c by the sea

I'm THAT woman.

2011-10-26T08:54:00.000-07:00

Helloooo!

It's been SO long. I just haven't made the time, but the truth is, I'm busy and I have very little time to do anything I want to do these days.

The girls are AWESOME :) They are 14 months and happy, funny, smart little girls. They have about 20 signs and a handful of words. Macy has started walking and Lila walks holding one hand. I am still in awe that I created these amazing little girls. They give hugs and kisses (to me and Mr. and each other), they love animals (and know all their sounds) and music and books. Lila is more content and hates to do things wrong. She gets sad if you tell her not to do something. She tells her sister,"NOOO" if she is doing something wrong. Macy knows what she wants and will get it! She pushes the limits and throws little fits when she doesn't get her way. They are both sweet, determined and fun.

And they are going to be big sisters!

Mr and I got the shock of our lives when after a few days of not feeling well, I peed on a stick for the hell of it. Within a few days we had an u/s confirming that we were 7 and a half weeks pregnant (on our own) with one baby. I had only had 2 periods since the girls were born and was (and am) still nursing them. We hadn't been using any birth control since it took us almost 2 years and 3 rounds of IVF to get the girls and were told we only had a 1-4% chance of conceiving on our own. We actually had planned on using our frozen embryo in January, but I guess life had other plans. We are thrilled and shocked and excited and so relieved that this just happened on our own. Baby #3 is due at the end of April. The girls will be 20 months. Yup, 3 under 2. Our lives will be crazy and I may not be able to leave the house much, but they will be joyfilled for sure :)

is anybody still out there?

2011-01-31T11:44:00.001-08:00

hi!

i know, i know 5 months have gone by

you've forgotten all about me

( i haven't forgotten about you, i've been reading and checking in

some of you are pregnant (yay!) have had babies (yay!) decided to pursue adoption (yay!) and all sorts of other things)

anyway, for the update

my girls are 5 months old today. i know it is a total cliche, but man oh man how the time flies. when did they get so big? and funny! they are funny! they "ha ha ha" and fake cough to get attention. they giggle and smile (i am a riot, it seems) and mouth things (and each other for that matter) they are beautiful and adorable and i am still in awe every day that they are mine.

this has been the hardest and most rewarding 5 months of my life. the first 4 weeks were a total crazy blur of non sleeping, pumping, crying craziness. week after week got a little easier. i worked really hard with lactation people and my girls to breastfeed them both (one refused to latch and lost too much weight) and it is finally working for us great now. one had a health scare and was hospitalized and poked and stuck with needles and IV's, but now we are in the clear and everyone is healthy. my marriage has been tested as having two babies is hard and being tired and breastfeeding makes physical intimacy painful and low on the list, but we are making small moments for each other and are even planning a dinner out sans babies soon (our first). the girls are learning how to sleep and are giving me glimpses of sanity with 4 or 5 hour stretches occasionally (not both at once of course but anything is better than every 3 hours an hour apart from each other which is our current schedule). someday i'll sleep again i'm sure.

going through everything i did to get here was horrible. i hated what a bitter, angry, negative person i was. i can now say though that i'm grateful for my journey because it led me here, to these two incredible souls that i get to love and care for and watch grow. motherhood has made me realize that i am a truly positive person. i embrace each moment no matter how challenging and am thankful for what i have and where my journey is taking me. i had always been a worrier, and of course i still worry and fear for my children's safety, but i try not to focus so much on the negative. i am truly trying not to take what i have for granted and enjoy every moment. i'm not sure i would have this attitude if it hadn't been such a trying road to get here.

anyway, that's where i am. enjoying my babies and the incredible gift i have been given. i pray for those of you who have had to endure horrible and unthinkable tragedy and loss. i hope for all of you who are at the edge of losing hope, that someday your journey leads you to a wonderful and joyful place. i am grateful to all of you who share the stories of your lives and for having this platform to tell mine when i felt so lost and alone.

they're here!

2010-09-07T03:30:00.000-07:00

just wanted to let you know,

my 2 beautiful girls entered the world screaming and healthy on 8.31.10

Lila weighed in at 5 lb 14 oz and

Macy weighed in at a big 6 lb 1 oz

Mama and babies are doing great. we are home and falling in love with each other. they are so beautiful and perfect it makes my heart explode.

i wish and hope for all of you still in the midst of your IF journey that it ends like this for you. they were so worth every moment of heartache and pain.

Tuesday morning

2010-08-27T10:51:00.000-07:00

on Tuesday, i am going to become somebody's mother.

i've wanted a baby and to be a mom since i was a little girl. i patiently waited through my college years and beyond and didn't do anything stupid to get knocked up until i was married. i went through almost two years of heartache, anger, injections, violating doctor's appointments, surgeries and losses to get pregnant.

my pregnancy wasn't smooth, but it was by no means complicated. there was some spotting, lots of weight loss, food aversions, exhaustion and vomiting. but the babies always were growing well. i am so grateful that this body of mine who was uncooperative for so long has hung in there and grown these two baby girls to full term- without bedrest or major problems. thank you, body for being so good to these babies.

i've enjoyed this pregnancy, even when i wasn't exactly enjoying it. i know this may be my only time to experience this and i really have tried not to complain too much or take it for granted. i loved watching my belly get hard and round, even as it turned into an explosion of ugly stretch marks and an enormity that i could never have imagined. i've loved feeling the girls swish and kick and twirl, even when they seemed to be trying to break my ribs or make me regurgitate my food. i've been in awe of my body and it's hugeness and how much effort it takes to roll from side to side, stand from sitting, get in or out of a car, walk through a store without sitting down, etc.

on tuesday morning, i will go into the hospital for a c-section and come out with TWO babies. and they will be my babies, that will probably look a little something like me or the mr, that have grown inside of me for 38 weeks. i will be responsible for loving them, caring for them, helping them to become intelligent, sensitive and aware human beings who contribute something to the world. i will not be able to look at them from another table at a restaurant and say, 'i would never let MY kid behave like that!' or watch them do something completely inappropriate and say, 'where is that kid's parent?!' i will have to make decisions about their life, take care of them when they are sick or hurt, figure out what i think is best, teach them to tie their shoes, read, be kind, drive. send them off on a date, to the prom, to college, down the aisle. hope everything i do for them and with them and every choice i make guides them toward a good life, one with minimal heartache, and lots of joy.

on tuesday morning, i will become a mother- of two daughters. it will change my life forever in ways i can't even know or imagine. my journey has led me here- to the doorstep of parenthood. i am terrified and elated. i can't wait to hold these girls in my arms, welcome them to the world, to our family, thank them for making me a mother, thank them for creating a new journey for me. love them forever.

quick update

2010-08-14T11:56:00.000-07:00

at our friday u/s we got great news!

the girls shocked us all by jumping up over a pound each in less than 2 weeks!

Baby A went from 3lb 15oz to 5lb even

Baby B went from 4lb 6oz to 5lb 5oz

they also jumped back up on the chart to the 28th and 31st percentiles.

which means, no hospitalization for me and no delivery for them. yay!

the doctor was completely shocked. i told him i've been loading up on protein shakes, steak, hard boiled eggs and other protein (and ice cream incidentally, but i didn't mention that). he said he can't say that medically that works, but it seems to be helping so i should keep it up.

i feel much better knowing they have hit the 5 pound mark. they are currently at the average birth weight for twins. hopefully they grow a little bit longer, but i am feeling much more prepared for them to arrive any time now.

quick update

2010-08-09T12:03:00.000-07:00

35 weeks and still pregnant.

Last week at our growth scan, we got some unsettling news. Both babies have slowed down in their growth and baby B is now a full half a pound bigger than A. Thay dropped from the 40th and 44th percentile to the 17th and 27th. bummer. they are running out of room.

This coming Friday we will have another u/s and they will decide what to do. According to my OB (who is much better at sharing info than the MFM's) they expect one or both babies to fall below the 10th percentile, officially declaring Inter Uter.ine Growth Rest.riction. If that is the case, they will either admit me and monitor me until 37 weeks, or if they are more than 20% apart in size, they will deliver me. I'm hoping i just need to wait it out on hospital bedrest and get these girls 2 more weeks or growth...we'll see.

i'm irritable

2010-07-27T07:30:00.000-07:00

my uterus is that is...

i had my second NST (non stress test) yesterday morning and they've determined that the babies look great, but i have an "irritable uterus", which basically means near constant tiny little contractions with a few bigger ones thrown in. the doc checked me and my cervix is still long and closed. she instructed me to increase my fluid intake (i already drink like a camel) and rest rest rest! i spent most of yesterday on the couch and plan to do much of that today as well. i feel like these next few weeks are really important for the babies' growth. i'm 33 weeks now, and i'd like to make it to at least 35.5 or 36. this will really give the girls a good chance at leaving the hospital with me when i leave. around that time they develop the whole suck,swallow,breathe coordination, so that may help them avoid getting feeding tubes and all that. i have a growth u/s next monday and i'm hoping they are pushing 5 pounds each by that point.

i feel lucky i've made it this far with no major problems, so if i need to rest to keep these babies growing for a few more weeks, so be it. i can't wait to meet them, but i am willing to wait for them to grow some more to avoid the NICU.

30 Weeks

2010-07-09T12:55:00.000-07:00

the babies are doing great, each measuring over 3 pounds!

my cervix is still holding strong.

weekly NST's (non stress tests) start next week

last growth u/s at 34 weeks

keep cooking babies!

getting closer!

2010-06-29T07:50:00.000-07:00

my nutritionist appointment went well. she was a little horrified that none of my doctor's were concerned about my lack of weight gain. she herself had twins and was very knowledgeable about the added nutritional requirements. she has me focusing on getting in a ton of protein (100mg a day which is equivalent to 12-14 eggs!) i've been drinking carn.ation instant breakfast with an extra scoop of dry milk in the mornings and having a protein bar for one of my snacks. she also told me to eat ice cream once a day-no problems there! i have learned to spread out my carbs to not overload my system with glucose, as it seems to be unable to process it well. this just means having water with my meals and saving sweet drinks (ginger ale or lemonade) for in between meals and things like that. a little annoying, but totally doable. it all seems to be working as i have gained 2 pounds in the last 2 weeks.

i had an ob appointment this morning. i really liked this doctor (finally!) she measured my belly and i'm measuring 38 weeks!! (i'm 29 weeks) obviously that is totally normal since i'm carrying twins, but i was still surprised. no wonder i've been feeling so uncomfortable! i can't believe i still have 2 months to go. i can't imagine what i'll look like in the end. and speaking of the end, she went ahead and scheduled me for a c-section for aug 31st, which will be 38 weeks. it seems weird to have a set date, although i know they may come before that. i can't believe it's getting so close. i hope they stay cozy inside me for a while longer- no matter how uncomfortable i am. i'd love to have my babies come home with me when i leave the hospital.

Third Trimester!

2010-06-15T14:22:00.000-07:00

i made it! i am officially in my third trimester. if the fort knox that is my cervix decided to let loose and let the babies out, they would actually have a fighting chance.

my belly button started popping out today, which grosses me out. i have always had sort of a deep belly button, so it's slowly been getting more and more shallow. the skin around my current bellybutton isn't used to seeing the light of day and is really soft and sensitive. weird.

my body does not feel like my own. it's large and round and hard to move it around like i used to. just rolling over from one side to the other in bed takes so much effort, usually i'm breathing heavily by the end of it. i feel punches and kicks and pops and gurgles often. anytime i get up from sitting for a while my legs feel like they have become detached from my body and it hurts right where my legs and my body intersect.

my food aversions have gotten stronger again, like in the beginning and meat is no longer my friend. i have even vomited a few times and gag every time i brush my teeth.

but there are two growing girls inside of me that make all these little annoyances and discomforts worth it. i can't believe in only 10 weeks (that's 70 days!) i will be considered term (37 weeks) it seems so close and so far all at once. i can't wait to see these babies and study their features and hear their little grunts and feel the warmth and the weight of them over my shoulder. but at the same time, i feel unprepared. the room isn't even painted, the cribs are not delivered, and they are still too small to come out. i am trying to imagine how life is going to change, but i know i won't know until i know. but i'm getting exited to find out.

results and shower

2010-06-07T12:27:00.000-07:00

i called the ob this morning, AGAIN. i stressed that my test was a week ago and they had told me i would get the results the next day. the nurse said she would talk to the doctor and call me back. she called back within a few minutes. i do not have gestational diabetes, BUT one of my numbers was pretty high, just on the cusp of normal. they want me to meet with a nutritionist and they will have me do fasting blood draws at my appointments from now on so they can make sure it stays in the normal range.

i'm glad they are having me meet with a nutritionist since i've been asking to meet with one since the beginning. i am 26 weeks and i have still yet to gain any weight. i originally lost about 16-18 pounds, and have been regaining and re-losing that over and over. i am just at 1 pound over my pre pregnancy weight now. the ob seems to think this is a great thing and keeps telling me i'm lucky, but it seems counterintuitive since i'm trying to grow two humans. the MFM, although not too concerned, said i need to be eating more and gave me numbers that added up to 3000 calories a day! that just seems like too much. all the books say you should eat and gain a bunch for twins, but my doctors don't agree with that. i don't know who to listen to. i'm eating what i can when i can, but unfortunately still have many food aversions. i'm hoping the nutritionist will give me a plan i can believe in.

i had a growth u/s today. the babies are looking good, measuring 1 lb 11 oz and 1 lb 13 oz. baby A has turned herself head down but baby B is still transverse. mr. had an important work thing so my mom came and enjoyed seeing them. she had never seen an u/s like this since when she had her babies they didn't really do them and they weren't as clear. my cervix is still long and closed.

my shower was yesterday. we got lots of great stuff! lots of cute outfits, an er.go carrier and mo.by wrap, twin nursing pillow and twin lightweight stroller, lots of our cloth diapers (we are planning on using bum.genius 3.0) and diapering accessories, a very cute diaper bag and some super cute handmade quilts from my BFF that match their nursery. one of my girlfriends gave me 2 onesies that say."Wishes do come true" and i started crying. i can't believe i am lucky enough to be growing 2 healthy babies. getting things for them definitely made it feel a little more real. after opening the first few gifts of double of everything i stopped and was like,"oh my gosh i'm having TWO babies!" every once in a while it really hits me and sends me into a little bit of panic. but i can't wait :)

3 hour glucose

2010-06-05T05:26:00.000-07:00

I had my 3 hour glucose tolerance test this past Tuesday. i was holding off posting until i had the results from the doctor, but since I STILL DON'T HAVE THEM, i figured i'd post about the test.

it was hell. i had my last snack at 8pm. i was not allowed to eat again until after the test the next day. normally i would have a small snack before bed around 10 and occasionally i even get up in the middle of the night and eat a nutri.grain bar because i'm so hungry. i still am only up 1 pound over my prepregnancy weight, but these babies need a lot of calories!

anywho, by the time i got to the lab i was hungry. they tested my urine and then drew some blood. i then drank an entire bottle of the super sugary orange drink (think old school mc.donald's orange drink with way too much syrup). for the 1 hour, i only have to drink about a third of the bottle.

i sat in the waiting room with my book. at the 1 hour mark i had my second blood draw of the day and was doing okay. but about 20 minutes before the 2 hour mark i started feeling really sick. i went to tell the lab lady (she told me to tell her when i felt sick) and asked her if i had to do it over if i threw up. i felt nauseous, lightheaded and my heart was pounding out of my chest. she had a nurse come get me and put me in a room so i could lie down. she checked my blood pressure, which was up and had me lie on my left side with an ice pack on the back of my neck so i didn't pass out. the lab lady came into the room at hour 2 for my 3rd blood draw.

lying down definitely helped a litte, but i was also starting to worry a little because the girls hadn't moved around in a while. next time the nurse checked on me i asked if someone would doppler me to make sure they were okay. just before hour 3 (my 4th and final blood draw) the midwife came in and i heard their beautiful heartbeats thumping away. i walked back to the lab for the final draw and then rushed out of there to get some food. by the time i left it was about 12 noon.

i still have not heard the results! i'm hoping that is a good sign and not a sign that they lost them and are going to tell me i have to do it all over again or something. i will update when i hear, hopefully monday? i also have an u/s on monday. mr. can't go so i think my mom is going to come, she is super excited :)

failure

2010-05-24T13:27:00.000-07:00

i failed my 1 hour glucose tolerance test. damn.

i have the 3 hour one on june 1st. i have to fast for 12 hours, then they draw your blood, you drink the drink and sit in the waiting room and they draw your blood every hour for 3 hours. you heard that right, people, a starving pregnant woman with nothing but glucose pulsing through her getting 4 blood draws in a row. sounds lovely, doesn't it?

in better news, my last day of work is friday! woo hoo!! i am looking forward to having the summer off to gestate and sew and read and relax.

update

2010-05-18T12:25:00.000-07:00

sorry, i know it's been a while.

at my last growth u/s last week, both girls were looking good, measuring in at 1lb 1 oz each. i asked the doc if i should be eating any more than usual to try to boost their weight and he said no. he said my job right now is to eat a balanced diet and rest as much as possible. he also gave us a little more info on the single umbilical artery situation that helped us feel a little better. he basically said because there are no other red flags, he thinks everything will be just fine and not to worry about it. he also said, if there is going to be any growth restriction because of it, it will probably not occur until closer to 30 weeks.

i've been moving my sewing room into our guest room and mr is moving his office into my old sewing room so that the office can transform into a nursery. we are just about ready to start painting! i have their closet all set up with a drawer unit for older sized clothing. mr. keeps remarking at how cute it is to see little outfits hanging in there :) we are going with a pink, orange and grass green nature theme with birds and owls. i can't wait to get it painted, cribs built and ready for the twins!

we've hit a couple of consignment and "mothers of multiples" sales and stocked up on some jammies and basics in bigger sizes. with two girls, i am happy to save money on used and hand me down clothing. we've gotten some great barely used looking carter's sleepers for $1! if i get the basics cheap, then i won't feel bad when i want to splurge on something really cute :)

we are going to have to tighten the belt a bit. i only work through the end of this month and then we will have to get used to living on just mr's salary. i am choosing my battles when it comes to baby gear. we are borrowing a lot of stuff like swings, bouncy seats, infant car seats, etc. and trying to get certain things used, the double snap n go, some clothes, umbrella strollers. there are certain things i want higher end, like a nice double jogger, video monitor, organic crib mattresses and the like, so we are saving where we can. my parents were nice enough to buy us both of our cribs, which has been a huge help. we are also cloth diapering so although that is a bigger upfront cost, it will save us money in the long run. i am hoping breastfeeding works out as well so we don't have the added expense of buying formula for two babies too.

my sister in law and a few friends are throwing me a shower in a few weeks. i am so excited! i have always enjoyed going to baby showers in the past up until the time when i was struggling to get pregnant. for the past two years or so they have been torture. i am really glad to be getting to enjoy it all again, and for my own babies even!

20 weeks!

2010-04-26T12:35:00.000-07:00

i'm halfway there! i can't believe it. i am starting to get physically uncomfortable and it's getting harder to do the things i'm used to. i get tired out very easily and even my belly gets tired. i still am 2 pounds under my pre-pregnancy weight, but i'm sure i will start gaining steadily now.

at our 18 week u/s we got some possibly troubling news. Baby A has a "single umbilical artery" when there are supposed to be two. Because they found no other abnormalities, chances are she'll be fine and everything will be normal, but it's still worrisome. the biggest concern the doctors have at this point is whether she continues to grow at the same rate as Twin B. i will have monthly growth ultrasounds to check on this, but so far they are measuring exactly the same. we've decided not to tell anyone about this unless the doctors give us more definite information. i'm trying to stay positive and not consult google obsessively about this. although, if anyone has any personal experience with this i'd appreciate hearing about it.

we ordered the cribs yesterday. they take 3-4 months to come in, so that will allow us to hopefully get the room all set before the babies come. i've picked out curtains and a wall decal and a trees, birds and owls theme in pink, orange and grass green. we have some more rearranging to do and then mr. will paint the walls, probably a pale blue. i'm excited to get their room all ready! i'm hoping and praying everyday that both babies are healthy and that i am able to keep them in me growing happily for a long time, hopefully at least to 35 weeks. i have 5 more weeks of work and then i'll have the summer off to stay unstressed and rested to help keep them growing as long as i can, (even though i'm sure i'll be huge and hot and uncomfortable:)

cutting the cake

2010-04-19T07:01:00.000-07:00

so i mentioned before we decided to find out the genders of the twins in a special way. we had the u/s tech write them down in a sealed envelope. neither of us peeked. we gave the envelope to my mom along with some pink and blue food coloring. she made a 2 layer cake with instructions to dye each layer either pink or blue depending on the sex of each baby. she then frosted it so we couldn't see. we had some friends and family over and, using the cake cutter from our wedding, we cut the cake.

it revealed.....2 pink layers!!

we are having twin girls!!

getting busy

2010-04-13T12:25:00.001-07:00

literally. we had pregnant sex. actually, it was the first sex we've had since before i started stims for this IVF, way back in December. i had offered a few times over the last weeks, but mr. wouldn't have it. he was too nervous he would hurt me or the babies or cause something bad to happen. well, we finally did it and i cried. whoops. i think it was just a release of emotion and stress. it's happened to me before. (does this happen to other people?) it's a weird uncontrollable cry that sometimes can turn into laughter. anyways, i was also pushing mr.'s belly to protect my own. i think he summed it up best when after he said, "well, that was pretty much as awkward as i thought it would be."

so, i'm 18w2d. my belly continues it's rapid expansion. i'm starting to get more physically uncomfortable. i'm having a hard time bending to reach things on the floor (which is tough since i work with kids and am constantly picking stuff up). After sitting for a while, i have to stand or lay down to give my belly a break. i think it gets too squished in there. i know it is only going to get worse, so i'm trying to enjoy what i can for now. on friday we have our "BIG" ultrasound. we decided that mr. is going to find out the genders but i will not. he and my mom will make a two layer cake and dye each layer either pink or blue. then, on saturday my family and a few friends are coming over to "cut the cake" to find out who is in there. that is how i will find out. i'm really looking forward to knowing. my gut is telling me boy/girl, but we will see!

17w2d

2010-04-06T12:21:00.000-07:00

Wow, just wow.

i am still in awe every day that i have finally made it here. i love my beautiful round belly and i am so happy that these babies are doing well. i think the fear and dead baby thoughts have finally moved way to the background. it helps that i have visual proof (my ever expanding belly) to prove that they have got to be growing. i know i still have a long ways to go, but for now i am at ease.

my friends and sister in law have set a date for a baby shower, for me. the first one in two years that i will actually smile through and enjoy. (don't worry it's not for a while)

mr and i picked out some cribs and will probably be ordering them when we get our tax returns back. (just an aside here, choosing cribs is fun, and they aren't as crazy expensive as i'd imagined however, much more scary when you have to buy two!)

i think this weekend we will start rearranging some rooms in our house to get ready for actual live babies to come live here. the room we were originally going to use as a nursery is too small for 2 cribs, so we are switching some things around. well, mr will be doing the heavy lifting as i tell him where to put things.

on april 16th, we will find out the genders (hopefully they will both cooperate) to tell my family and some close friends we are inviting everyone over for cake the next day. we will make a 2 layer cake with each layer dyed either pink or blue and then frost it so you can't see. when we cut the cake, everyone will find out together. fun!

i am getting big. i can't imagine what these next months will bring. i am starting to have a little more discomfort sleeping at night. i am breathless, especially when i lay down, which makes it even harder to sleep. i have to remember to eat before i get hungry or else i feel really sick and sometimes vomit. i am thirsty and panic if i don't have constant access to a bottle of water. i want ice cream every night, although i haven't broken down and bought any to put in the freezer so i've only gone out to get some a few times. the babies do need their calcium after all!

enjoying this moment

2010-03-25T12:15:00.001-07:00

it dawned on me the other day that this may be the only pregnancy i'll ever have. i'm trying to enjoy it, and savor it. i'm tired and gaggy and i keep getting the cold all the kids have, but i'm not complaining. to be honest, i'm loving it.

i'm still in awe. my belly continues to expand and it's getting hard. i find my hand rubbing it constantly (something that used to make me cringe if i saw that so i try really hard to not do it in public) i have felt little twinges and rolls that i was convinced couldn't be the babies until i saw them on u/s yesterday and the one on the left (where i've been feeling those things) was kicking and rolling and dancing away. the doc agreed that that is probably what i've been feeling :)

for now, all the heartache and anger and pain of IF are in the past. i am so happy for what i finally have. i know my long struggle to get here helps me appreciate this pregnancy even more. now that i look pregnant, i feel special. i am grateful to my body for growing and protecting these precious little babies.

last night at prenatal yoga there was a woman there who is a gestational carrier for one of her friends. we talked about PIO shots and crin.one suppositories (she's on both) and i teared up telling her how much i admired what she was doing for a friend.

my struggle won't ever not be a part of who i am and where i've come from. but i'm so thankful and happy that it's not a part of my everyday. for those of you still struggling (who have probably long since stopped reading my blog, and that's okay) i really hope your painful journey ends joyfully. keep fighting the fight, it will all be worth it.

13w4d

2010-03-12T13:06:00.000-08:00

wow! almost 14 weeks, i can't believe it.

the whole world now knows about the beautiful babies growing in my ever expanding belly. it's wonderful to share the news. although we have had our share of,"do twins run in your family?!" and,"did you take fertility drugs?" i am amazed that people can't just say, "congratulations, that is wonderful!" we are not secretive about our IVF with family and friends, but in some venues, you just don't want to get into it, or you are not close at all with the person asking.

oh, and about that belly, it is getting B-I-G! i look like a full on prego, and i've got the maternity jeans to prove it! i can't believe how fast it is growing, especially considering i lost 15 pounds originally and have only gained a few back. i would guess i look at least 20 weeks pregnant, maybe more. i was able to find a prenatal yoga class that i've been going to once a week. it's nice to do something since i've been told not to do "anything that will swing a ponytail". i have also been getting some sciatic pains down my butt and leg and the yoga has some good stretches to help it.

that's about all. my next OB appointment isn't until the 24th and the MFM on April 16th when we will find out the genders!! seems like a long way a way, but at least this belly is reassuring me that everyone is still growing in there. it's my birthday this weekend so mr.m is taking me into the big city for a show and dinner :)

mmmm...dinner....

12w2d

2010-03-03T12:30:00.000-08:00

i made it to 12 weeks!!

we had an u/s this morning and the babies look great. it was so nice to see an u/s where they now look like real babies instead of the blurry blobs we are used to. they were rolling and kicking and waving and everything. the tech was trying to get the NT measurements (for down's syndrome testing) and had a little trouble with one of them, so we blissfully watched them on the screen for about a half hour.

we got great pictures of their profiles and are feeling a big sigh of relief. the MFM nurse (who we just met today) could tell we were nervous and when we were leaving she said,"i want to see big smiles, you don't have to worry anymore, you have two healthy babies!" i don't think the worry will ever end, but i do feel much better now that we've made it so far.

we are letting the cat out of the bag and telling the world our great news. it feels a little scary, but great all at the same time :)

what IF stole from me

2010-02-24T06:04:00.000-08:00

as i lay in bed this morning, wondering how surf and turf were doing, secretly wishing i was married to tom crui.se if for no other reason than to have an u/s machine in my home, i was thinking of what IF has taken from me. TRUST. trust in my own body.

i used to workout and box with a trainer, and i always trusted my body to stay strong and grow stronger. i trusted it to tell me when i'd reached my limits. i trusted the warm cramping feeling that told me AF was on her way. i trusted my body to tell me when i was sick or needed a break. i trusted it to tell me when i was hungry or tired.

but now, i've lost that trust. i should be able to sit back and know that my body will keep my babies safe. that the food i'm eating will help them grow in all the right ways. i should trust that my uterus will expand and grow and properly contain them and cushion them from the outside world. i used to always think i would ultimately trust my body to deliver my baby-free of medications and forceps and scalpels.

the trust i previously had in my body has transformed in something else. trust in doctors and procedures and machines. now i look to the u/s machine and the doppler to tell me that my babies are okay. i look to doctors to tell me what my body and my babies need. and in my future, i may even have to resort to letting a doctor cut these babies out of me.

i miss the trusting relationship my body and i used to have. i miss being able to trust in my instincts, and trust my body to tell me when something was wrong. will i ever get that back?

excitement

2010-02-22T12:23:00.000-08:00

this weekend seems to have been a turning point for me.

i am starting to feel really excited about this pregnancy, as opposed to the anxious, cautious hopefulness i felt before.

i can't wait to tell people! i can't wait to register and build cribs and sew curtains and decorate and get a big belly.

next wednesday is our first meeting with the MFM (maternal fetal medicine specialist) and we will get another u/s, so we have decided if all goes well with that we will spread the news. i will be 12w3d. (even though i've lost 13 pounds, my belly is totally popping and i will not be able to hide it much longer anyways)

i am finally hungry, although still very picky about what i eat. all i seem to want is hamburgers, peanut butter and jelly and honey nut cheerios. i'm trying to sneak in as many fruits and veggies as i can to balance that all out, although my doctor did give me free reign to "eat to my cravings." i am still totally exhausted. it may be related to the never ending cold i've had for over 2 weeks that turned into a sinus infection, but i think it is also pregnancy related. i am so lazy and i'm driving myself crazy because i have a lot of things i need to be doing and just can't seem to make them happen. i'm hoping what they say is true and that as i enter my second trimester (!!) in just a few short weeks i will regain my energy. i've got a lot to do before i get all big and uncomfortable!

it's all good

2010-02-19T10:22:00.000-08:00

all is well with surf and turf :) my mind is at ease for the time being (until a few days before my next appointment probably)

she dopplered my belly (only one doppler) she was able to find one heartbeat loud and clear running about 160, but the other one kept moving around so she wasn't able to hear it long enough to measure. that was probably baby B since that was the one doing somersaults at the last u/s. it seemed she found them in different spots, so i didn't feel like it was the same baby we were hearing.

the doctor seemed unenthused. she seemed to be rushing me out of there. they also don't seem to agree with other things i've read about the importance of weight gain in early pregnancy for twins, which concerns me a little. she acted as if they don't want me gaining much more than i would with a singleton, whereas much of the stuff i've been reading recommends 20 pounds by 20 weeks and a pound a week from there at least. any one else who has had or has a twin pregnancy have any input on what their doc says?

OB appointment today

2010-02-19T06:45:00.000-08:00

why do i get so anxious whenever i have an appointment??

i have been having dead baby thoughts and stressing out that something is wrong for the last few days. again, no reason to think this at all. i just saw the babies last week and everything was FINE. mr. feels the opposite, when i have an appointment, he feels relieved that we will get reassurance that all is well. i should feel this way too.

i am hoping i will hear the heartbeats by doppler today. i wonder if they do 2 dopplers at once to make sure they don't find the same heartbeat twice? i am 10w4d so i'm assuming the doppler will work, right?

i was supposed to stop progesterone support on wednesday. i had been on it twice per day. yesterday i did just one and i will try to not do any today, but i have to admit i'm a little afraid to stop.

why must we infertiles be so aware of everything that can go wrong? why can't i just sit back and enjoy this pregnancy? i think i'll feel better once i can feel them, but that isn't for a while.

Surf and Turf

2010-02-12T05:00:00.000-08:00

that's what mr. has named the babies

and they are both fine!

they let me come in for an u/s yesterday and we saw both babies moving all around and both heartbeats were looking good. we even could see the arm and leg buds. (it was an external u/s and i was surprised at how big my uterus is! the babies were way up by my belly button. no wonder my pants won't button.)

Baby A was measuring 9w3d with a heartrate of 170

Baby B was measuring 9w1d with a heartrate of 172

I know i shouldn't have totally freaked out. After I saw the blood, I actually looked in the mirror at myself and said, "don't freak out". but as soon as i started talking to the nurse i lost it. i just thought about everything we've been through the last 2 years and i couldn't fathom dealing with any more pain and disappointment.

I felt a huge relief when we saw both heartbeats, and were reassured by the doctor that I probably just loosened a clot with all the puking/coughing/blowing my nose that's been happening since i've been sick. gross.

thank you, ladies, for all your support and kind words yesterday.

oh no

2010-02-11T05:37:00.001-08:00

bleeding...

crying....

freaking out

9w3d

2010-02-10T07:35:00.000-08:00

did i say in my last post that i was surprisingly calm about this whole pregnancy thing?!?

because now i'm freaking out again. mr. and i had a conversation about how there is probably nothing wrong, and there is no reason to think there is since there is no spotting/cramping/etc, but after everything we've been through, we are both nervous that the next appointment will bring more bad news, since that's what we are used to.

i'm trying to stay positive. i'm still slightly nauseous often and have trouble sleeping at night. also, without warning i get HUNGRY. and i'm talking, if i don't get food immediately i'm going to throw up, hungry. even though i've lost about 10 pounds, my belly is totally growing! it's hard to believe since the babies are only about an inch big at this point, but i look pregnant. which is a problem, since i'm still trying to hide it! i've been wearing my pants unbuttoned with a b-band, or low rise pants that button below my belly, or even yoga pants, all coupled with bigger tops, sweaters and hoodies. next week is school vacation, and an appointment with the OB, so maybe after that i will have to let the cat out of the bag- if i hear 2 perfect heartbeats on the doppler, we'll see. i've read that with twins you measure about the same as a singleton pregnancy 6-8 weeks ahead of you, so that makes me feel a little better, but it feels a little odd to look so pregnant and not even be out of the first trimester. if i'm this big now, i can't imagine how big i will be in the end. i'm only 5'2". i might just topple over with baby at some point.

only a few more weeks until we see the babies on u/s again. and we get out of this trimester and feel a little better about the chances of actually holding 2 healthy babies in the end of all of this. i'm excited that at this u/s they will actually look like babies, and not just white blobs inside a black blob.

still pregnant....

2010-02-05T10:34:00.000-08:00

so, things are still going well.

i've been feeling pretty crappy, nauseous mostly all day, and i've had a few days that i couldn't keep anything down. i've also been really tired, but then i'm up in the night and unable to get restful sleep. but, so far yesterday was the only day i had to miss work because it was so bad, other than that it has been doable. i think i may have had a touch of a stomach bug or something yesterday, because it was just awful!

i met with the midwife a few days ago. that seemed fine, although they don't seem all that knowledgeable/comfortable with twin pregnancies. i will work with the OB as well as an MFM (maternal/fetal medicine specialist) i will see each once per month for now. i'm going to wait until i meet one of the doctors at the OB in a few weeks and then decide if i should look for someone else. i will also ask the MFM if they have an OB practice they recommend for being knowledgeable about twin pregnancies.

i'm surprisingly not totally freaking out about everything. i think since i feel crappy i am reassured that they are still in there and growing. although, i am very much looking forward to hearing the heartbeats and seeing the babies again. i keep just thinking, i can't believe we are having two babies! i truly do feel doubly blessed.

2010-01-26T05:09:00.000-08:00

2 strong heartbeats!!

the most beautiful thing i've ever seen.

both babies are measuring 6w4d, just a few days behind, which is normal for twins.

Baby A's heartrate was 128

Baby B's heartrate was 131.

i have been booted out of the RE's care and onto a regular OB with regular pregnant people.

i am feeling nauseous and exhausted with waves of dizziness and loving every minute of it.

feeling pregnant

2010-01-20T13:29:00.000-08:00

the last few days have brought some nausea, dizziness and exhaustion. i find that if i try to eat every 2 hours or so, i feel a little better. it is worst in the morning until about 10 and then gets bad again in the evenings. i out of know where become STARVING, but nauseous at the same time, so nothing seems appetizing. the good thing is, it's pretty healthy things that i can tolerate, like yogurt, crackers with peanut butter and soup. i'm trying to eat lots of protein and folic acid. mr. found out there is lots of both in chick peas and lentils and has been trying to force feed me these things and these things only. (i happen to have some texture issues and hate both) my mom made me some beef stew loaded with beans, veggies and lentils which i've been eating too. i ordered some "preggy pops" along with a book on twin pregnancy. if anyone has any suggestions on good twin and/or pregnancy books, i'd love to hear them. part of me didn't want to order the book, in case we get bad news next week, but the other part of me feels like i really need to start reading about this stuff! i also think i need to find a bella band, since i pretty much have my pants unbuttoned at all times.

i am relieved that i am feeling sick, and feeling "pregnant". i am hoping this is a good sign and we will see 2 heartbeats at our u/s on monday. i will be 7 weeks at that point, so we should definitely see them, right?

quick update

2010-01-16T09:31:00.000-08:00

2 gestational sacs

plus

2 yolk sacs

snuggled in my uterus

equals

1 sigh of relief

so far so good.

did i eat too much?

2010-01-14T05:35:00.000-08:00

um, i just had a very disturbing discovery.

i was feeling some abdominal discomfort and i realized i needed to undo the button of my pants.

now, i know i've been a little hungrier than usual, and i was just on vacation, which meant more restaurant meals, but really? i'm only 5w4d so there is no way that is the reason for my expanding waist, is there?

one more day of work to get through and then we will know what is going on. U/S is tomorrow afternoon!!

beta #2

2010-01-13T06:37:00.000-08:00

so i was able to get some blood drawn in florida, and my second beta was

1937 :)

they told me it was high enough, so i didn't have to go in for a third. which was a relief at the time because getting the second done was a catastrophy! i forget how good i have it with great insurance. i found a lab in florida and they told me i didn't need an appointment and that although it was first come first serve, they moved pretty quickly. that was a LIE! i waited for 2 and a half hours!! they had 2 people drawing blood and 2 people working the front desk, and there were about 50 people waiting for labwork! after 1h 45m, i went up to one of the ladies at the desk. i very kindly asked her if she could tell me how many more people were ahead of me. (i was ready to leave, as i had 3 kids at the hotel waiting for me to get back to go to Sea.world because i had the rental car) her reply was, "that would mean i'd have to look at the list."

what?!? you mean the list on the clipboard right next to you? seriously?

it was a nightmare. when they finally called me in, they took forever saying they couldn't do out of state orders even though i had called the day before and my insurance company told me to go there. then i went into the room and the lady had to leave twice to gather supplies. seriously, you are drawing blood here, don't you think you should stock the rooms appropriately? then, she took blood from my forearm! about halfway between my elbow and wrist. i have never had blood drawn there and i don't understand that. and lastly, they were REUSING the tie offs for peoples arms. are you kidding me?!? we are dealing with blood here people.

anyway. now i'm wishing i had a third number for reassurance. go figure.

i have been having some pulling and twinges in my uterine area. it's kind of freaking me out. it's totally freaking mr. out. he made me call the nurse this morning. the one thing that is reassuring is that it is on both sides. the chance of having a double ectopic can't be that high, right?

friday is my 6 week u/s. (i'll be 5w5d) i am terrified! i am terrified that there is not actually anything growing in there. i am terrified of them handing me a piece of paper that says, "empty uterus, suspected ectopic" like they did last time. i think my worst fear is that one is ectopic and the other is in the uterus all happy. what do they do? do they make you terminate both? i think i would ask them to try to take out that tube and try and save the one in my ute. (i know, i know, i'm crazy thinking through all these scenarios, but knowing how i'll react in the worst case scenarios helps me feel better)

i was talking to a friend who just began testing with an RE. we were talking about how admitting there is something wrong and seeking treatment forces you to give up the romantic idea of getting pregnant. i feel like my last BFP took away the romantic idea of actually seeing that second line, since it ended in an ectopic. now i can't even get excited until i am reassured that everything is okay. i really hope everything is okay.

and the results are in....

2010-01-05T14:10:00.000-08:00

beta #1, 10dp5dt is......

466!!!

woo hoo!

now of course my doctor is mad at me that i won't be in state for follow-up beta's on Friday and next Monday. (they want to monitor me more closely because of my previous ectopic. so now i'm off to google around and see if i can find a hospital or fertility clinic or something that will do bloodwork for me on those days in Florida. the nurse told me if i don't there will be "a note on my permanent record that i went against medical advice" sounds scary...hmm... let's hope i can find someone who's willing to take my blood!

updates

2010-01-04T05:22:00.000-08:00

sorry for the lack of posting during my vacation.

so, out of the 21 eggs, all of them fertilized. on day 5 we transferred 2 expanded blastocysts and still had 5 or 6 embies that may have made it to freeze. unfortunately only 1 made it, but i am happy that we at least have one. and hopefully we won't need it any time soon.

according to multiple pee sticks, it looks like i just may be pregnant. my beta is tomorrow. i am happy, but i don't think i'll get excited until i see on u/s that it isn't ectopic like last time.

i am randomly craving orange juice and wheat thins, just like last time.

i don't mean to be greedy, and i will be happy with anything but an ectopic, but i really hope it's twins :)

i will update with my beta # tomorrow afternoon, but then i am off to sunny florida for a week to cheer on my dad and brother as they run the dis.ney marathon!

Happy New Year!

embies!

2009-12-23T14:29:00.000-08:00

i spoke with one of the doctor's today. apparently i answered the questions from the nurse wrong and they were worried i had over stimmed. they wanted to freeze all my embryos and wait on the transfer! i spoke with him at length and explained that i am SO much better off than i was the first time and that i felt i would be fine by day 5. i think they had flagged me because my e2 was twice what it was the first time. turns out, thats just means i had more mature eggs! he gave me the lowdown on my embryos- 17 fertilized, 9 are currently "grade A". YAY!! he said everything looks really great and the embryos look much better than the first time.

i have a tentative transfer scheduled tomorrow afternoon, but chances are they will call in the am and tell me to wait until saturday.

i am feeling happy and excited that my embies are looking better than before. i can't wait to get them back inside me and hope for a christmas miracle :)

retrieval

2009-12-21T12:54:00.000-08:00

my retrieval was this morning. i was so nervous, even though i knew what to expect. last time, my insides hurt so much i couldn't pee after i woke up for over an hour. this time i didn't hurt nearly as bad and i was able to go right away. i slept the day away and i'm just waking up.

they got 21 eggs!!

my clinic doesn't do a "fert report", so i have to wait until wednesday afternoon to find out how things are going. they will tentatively schedule my transfer for 12/24, but if things still look good that morning, they will bump me to a day 5 transfer on 12/26.

updates

2009-12-20T18:35:00.000-08:00

so here are a few updates.

on friday, i had 14 follicles between 15-20mm. that night i decreased my dose to 150 of gonal.f

on saturday, i had 21 follicles 15-23mm. i triggered sat night and my retrieval is tomorrow morning.

i am feeling quite bloated and kind of crappy. although i'm looking forward to moving on with this cycle, i am feeling very anxious about tomorrow. at least i know what to expect this time, but last time i hurt so much i couldn't pee for over an hour and i was VERY uncomfortable and miserable for 3 days. i can't stop thinking about huge needles piercing my vaginal wall. ouch.

the good part is, my transfer will be either xmas eve or the day after xmas. hopefully we will get our christmas miracle :)

merry christmas everyone! and best wishes for a great new year full of blessings and joy.

follie check

2009-12-16T08:39:00.000-08:00

I had my first follicle check today.

Right side has 5 follies, the largest is 14mm
Left side has 8 follies, the largest is 15mm.

I've been on 187.5 of Gon.al-F since the 11th, which is less than I was on for my first IVF as they think I may have overstimmed the first round which resulted in less than stellar egg quality. I will find out this afternoon more about how I will proceed. I am guessing my retrieval will be some time next week, hopefully before xmas enough so that I won't be bloated and in pain for the holiday.

I've realized that I am finally okay with my 2 best friends being pregnant. I went to one friend's house a few weekends ago and helped her pack her hospital bag, set up the bassinet and pack n play and make a list of what she still needs. Last weekend was the shower for the other friend. Although I am comfortable with them being pregnant, I fear that I will have a harder time once the babies are actually here, (which is going to be very soon!) Hopefully I will be getting my own good news around the same time which will help me enjoy their new babies with them...

this round has to work, right? third time's a charm, christmas miracle and all that?
right?

99th post!

2009-12-09T06:16:00.000-08:00

For my 99th post, i thought i'd bring you a little entertainment.

here we go again

2009-12-02T06:00:00.000-08:00

i've been on lu.pron since last friday and so far it has been all good.

my suppression check is on tuesday, and from there i will get my day 1 for stims.

i am so crazy busy this time of year. i think this year in particular, i have been taking on more than usual. maybe it's some way of trying to keep my mind busy with other things and off of infertility, who knows. i am taking a sewing class with a few girlfriends, which has been fun. i sew, they are just starting, but we are each doing projects at our own level. i am learning some new techniques i haven't done before (like gathering and using a serger) i also decided to do a mostly homemade xmas, so i have been creating, sewing and knitting like crazy.

on top of all of that, i volunteer for a local organization that provides xmas for families in need. this takes up a few hours every evening. and mr. and i are still getting the house back together after being under construction since august. it has to be done before xmas, since my MIL comes to visit for a week!

i think it's good for me to be busy. it's allowing me to not have time to be sad about where i am right now, particularly as 2 of my best friends are due around the holidays. i am going through the motions of this cycle, although i've been good about eating healthy and exercising (but i'll have to stop exercising when i start stims). sometimes i wonder if it's a good thing that i'm not over thinking this cycle, or if i'm not putting enough energy into it. who knows...

i am really hoping i have many eggs, like last time. they lowered my dose slightly as they think i may have overstimmed a little last time. many of our embies didn't make it past 48 hours, but it was okay because we started out with so many (21 i think?) i am hoping i have about that many this time. for those of you who have gone through more than 1 IVF cycle, did you respond in about the same way each time?

friday

2009-11-24T15:00:00.001-08:00

i had my post-op appointment today. i start lu.pron on FRIDAY!! woo hoo!

background in babies

2009-11-24T05:16:00.000-08:00

i am a baby person. i am good with babies. i am knowledgeable about babies. people who have babies come to me with questions and for advice, even though i don't have any babies of my own yet. i have a degree in early child.hood edu.cation and i was an infant teacher in a daycare center. then i was a nanny for infant twins (until they were 2). i also am an infant massage instructor and used to hold "baby" classes to teach parents massage as well as discuss other baby related topics.

over the last year, i have slowly moved away from all things baby. i stopped holding babies, stopped teaching baby classes, etc. it just got to the point that holding and smelling and snuggling babies hurt. this past weekend, mr and i had to watch my friend's 5 month old over night. (she and her whole fam were at a wedding and wouldn't trust anyone else, so they got us a room there too to have us watch the baby)

it made me remember how much i love to be with babies. i loved watching him sleep and listening to his little grunts as i fed him, i loved the weight of him in my arms and the smiles and snuggles he gave out freely. i don't think mr had ever spent that much time with a baby, and certainly never had to get up with one over night. i think it surprised him how natural it was for me to take care of an infant and he's been extra nice and loving to me since.

this IF journey has sucked. i've dealt with dildo cams and injections and blood draws and IV's and retreival surgery and no alcohol and and met.formin and heartache and O.P.P (other people's pregnancies) on many occasions. but i'm doing it because i want a baby. i want to be sleep deprived and thrown up on. i want a little one to depend on me to keep them safe and fed and changed and happy.

and it will all be worth it.

update

2009-11-17T12:23:00.000-08:00

i have been such a bad blogger lately. sorry about that. as i've mentioned before, we have been under construction, but my computer is back in it's comfortable spot near the couch :) and the rest of the house is slowly getting back in order too. phew! i am so excited to have our newly improved and newly organized house complete for the holidays. mr and i bought a new sofa for each other for xmas, so we are eagerly awaiting it's arrival.

so, November 11th was my Day 1. I had Day 3 labs done on Friday the 13th (and began BCP's) and i have my sonohystogram scheduled for Thursday afternoon. Once that is complete, the doc will apply to my insurance for approval for this next round of IVF. i am not anticipating an issue with that. i'll get my calendar in the next few weeks i am assuming and it's looking like my retrieval and transfer will be sometime mid to late December. i am trying to stay positive about this cycle, mostly because i can't bear to think through the what ifs if it doesn't work....

provera

2009-11-06T05:22:00.000-08:00

on day 35, i finally called the doc to get some provera. i was starting to worry that if we didn't get this thing started, it would end up ruining our vacation at the beginning of january anyway after all the persuasion i had to use to get him to let me start. when i called, i spoke with a nurse i hadn't dealt with before. she was all,"oh, you have to wait 3 months, you can't have provera" i was like, "listen lady, it's already been approved. i have my BCP and my lab orders, give me the damn provera" after she spoke with the RE, she did indeed call in the provera. today is day 5 on that. which means, AF should arrive sometime towards the end of next week i think. i usually take a week or more to get it after provera.

so, just waiting for AF. then i need my day 3 labs and a sonohystogram. i'm starting to get a little nervous. i feel like i don't quite remember what i went through the first time. was it harder than i'm remembering? were my side effects worse than i remember? the only thing i do seem to remember is the pain and bloat after my retrieval, so this time i'll take 2 days off afterwards. and i seem to remember when it all ended, it was like emerging from a hormone fog. i am hoping that it will all come back to me, and having done it all once before will help me take it day by day and not get too stressed. and i am trying to keep up the hope.

it should have been me

2009-10-30T09:03:00.000-07:00

i've been feeling a little extra down about my infertility lately. and yet another pregnancy announcement kicked me even further down. now, i truly am happy for this person. she tried for a year with some clomid thrown at her a few times from her ob and finally got a referral for an RE. she just got pregnant on her first IUI. i'm happy she didn't have to go further down the IF path, but seriously, first IUI, it does sting a bit. or maybe i'm just a selfish brat.

anyway, the thing that bothers me the most is her due date. let me fill you in on a little crazy thing that makes me feel well, crazy, and jealous and weirded out a bit.

if my first treatment cycle had worked, (an IUI) my due date would have been Dec 24th

my best friend is due on Dec 24th

if my first IVF cycle had worked, my due date would have been Mar 3rd

my across the street neighbor is due Mar 3rd

if this last cycle had not been lost because it was ectopic, i would have been due May 18th

the latest announcement girl (a friend) is due May 18th

are you effing kidding me?!? it's like a taunt, at what i don't have.

i would have been 12 weeks around now. mr. and i had talked about showing up at our friends' Halloween party and i would just go in barefoot and when people asked me what i was, i would say, "barefoot and pregnant".

instead, i will most likely be drinking away my misery. so, to all of you who are frustrated, jealous, angry, broken, sad, pissed off, and still not fucking pregnant-cheers! i'm drinking to you

random thoughts about blogging

2009-10-26T13:44:00.000-07:00

when i sit down to blog, i type away. my thoughts spew out of my head and onto the screen. although sometimes i've thought about what i was going to say, i never quite know how it's all going to come out until it does. as soon as i finish typing, i publish. i don't reread and obsess about how it all sounds, or if i've offended anyone, or any of that. sometimes i think twice about writing certain things because i'm afraid someone out in blogland will take offense, but i think i should just write what i want to write because it's my space. so i do. sometimes i am impatient and let it all spew out without giving all the thoughts and background that i feel i should.

some of the blogs i read are so well thought out, and seem to cover all the bases of the topic at hand. most of you are much better writers than i, and some of you spell things wrong and it drives me crazy ;)

so tell me, what is your blogging style? do you edit, review, reread?do you let things sit in the draft folder for a few days? hold back for fear of coming across in the wrong way? i'm curious...

changing moods

2009-10-21T12:54:00.000-07:00

i haven't been writing, or reading much lately. i've been in a kind of blah mood. i've been keeping myself busy doing things for the renovations going on at our house and sewing (ironically, sewing a baby quilt for a friend, but anyways)

over the past few weeks we've been having bad luck. first, mr.'s car was in the shop 2 weeks in a row which got us for about $1200. shit. a few days later, my car started acting up and needs $1000 worth of work. double shit. the light i picked out and splurged on and spent lots of time convincing mr. on for our new front porch didn't work because the storm door hits it. damn. our ikea furniture we bought and put together didn't fit where we need it to. dammit.

just little things, adding up, small annoyances keeping me in my grumpy mood.

and then, i got the call back from the nurse about my hcg levels today. it was 6 and it has to be under 5, so i have to go back next week. crap. i was feeling particularly frustrated and started explaining my annoyances with our IF journey so far. i told her i've played by the RE's rules for a year and i've only had 3 cycles and now i want to do it my way. i told her it was ridiculous to wait until mid december when all the research says you need 2 months from the methotrexate shot and that will be in november for me. plus there will be 3 weeks of BCP, so it will really be almost 3 months. i told her we didn't want to have to repeat all of our testing (which expires in december) and miss a family vacation in january all because our RE is being extra conservative. she said RE is away and she will plead my case to him after my bloodwork next week shows my hcg under 5. dang.

and then she called me back. she said "your sob story worked. he's letting you start."

what?!?

my BCP are called in to the pharmacy. we are just waiting on AF to get started.

big smile.

i am so relieved. i can feel the clouds lifting already.

lost

2009-10-13T12:22:00.000-07:00

i seem to have fallen right off the face of blogland. i haven't been writing or reading at all. probably due to a few things, taking a step away from infertility, nothing much to say, and construction craziness that is going on at my house which leaves my computer out of the way. i can really only use it on my bed right now because our living room is all torn up, so i haven't been on very much. so, i'm trying to catch up on all of your news.

so far, my hcg levels have been steadily dropping. last week it was 300 or so, and i have another check tomorrow. i talked to the nurse about getting insurance approval for our next cycle and fitting one in before the end of december and she was all about it. then she called back and said the doc wants me to wait until mid december to start a new cycle. which would ruin our trip to disney with my whole fam in january. we also found out that all of our testing expires in december, so if we wait until then, we have to repeat all our labs, SA and do a sonohystogram. damn. i'm waiting to see what my hcg is tomorrow and then i want to fight to start mid november instead (this will still give is 2 months off from the mtx shot)

bleeding and baby showers

2009-10-01T12:17:00.000-07:00

i finally started bleeding on tuesday. it was like the worst period of my life, including the worst cramps of my life. they actually stopped me in my tracks a few times. it's funny, i actually at one point thought, damn, if i can't handle these cramps how the f*ck am i going to ever handle contractions? i went in for bloodwork this morning and my hcg is down to 747. looks like i won't need another shot of mtx. woo hoo!

during the midst of all of this, i had to make a diaper cake last night for my best friend's baby shower which is this weekend. there will be at least 3 other pregnant friends there, as well and a few new babies. i don't know how i'm going to react. the good thing is, my best friend is really supportive and already sent me an email saying essentially that she has no idea what to say to me and she is thinking about me non stop and she can't believe how supportive i've been of her while going through my own issues with infertility and if i can't go, or stay at her shower she will totally understand. just knowing that is making the idea of being there a little easier. i really want to be there to support her and give her her special day, but i'm not sure how i'll feel once i'm in a room surrounded by pregnant people, babies and baby things and lots of pregnancy and baby talk. the thought of it makes me want to throw up a little. and i can't even drink a few mimosas to take the edge off. dang!

ectopic and mtx

2009-09-25T13:18:00.000-07:00

it's official. it is an ectopic in my left tube. i followed that news up with 2 shots of methotrexate (finally learned how to spell that one) in the ass.

it sucks. if i think too much about it, i get sad, but i'm doing a little better. to be honest, if we were going to lose the pregnancy, there is some relief of losing it so early. i was already attached, but i'm sure the longer someone was growing inside of me, the more heartbreaking this would have been.

so now we wait. bloodwork on monday and thursday next week to check that my hcg levels are dropping appropriately. they will tell me on thursday if i'll need another shot of mtx as well.

i hope everything goes as it should. it seems my body is already dropping the hcg level on it's own, so at least it's doing something right. the doctor wants me to wait 2 months before starting another cycle. i am hoping i am able to squeeze one in before the end of the year.

i think the waiting in between cycles is the hardest part. i'm frustrated that in the 11 months we've been working with the RE, we have only had 3 chances. at least if you are cycling, you are doing something that may finally help you reach your goal. it feels constructive. jumping right in and trying again seems like the easiest way for my heart to heal, but i realize it's my body that may need more time.

please body, do what you are supposed to do.

dropping betas

2009-09-24T12:44:00.001-07:00

so they ended up checking my hcg level on monday with the labs they had to run for the methodextrate shot and it had dropped to 2690.

they checked it again today and it was 1700.

i guess that's a good thing? i mean, not that the pregnancy isn't viable, that's no fun, but that my body is doing what it needs to do i guess.

tomorrow i have a level 3 u/s to figure out where the embryos are. i guess the course of treatment may depend on if they are in the uterus or in the tube, although they are assuming the are in the tube. we'll see.

thanks

2009-09-23T05:01:00.000-07:00

i am overwhelmed by all the comments and support.

i am still feeling crushed and devastated, but i am so thankful i have a blogland support system of women who really get it. i know some of you have been through much worse, but i appreciate that people really care about what is your own worst (so far).

thank you ladies, truly. i know i will get through this with your help.

i promise eventually i will visit and comment back to all of you, but these days i am a little scared of searching new blogs and finding good news. i'll be ready soon, i'm sure.

crushed

2009-09-22T05:08:00.000-07:00

we had our ultrasound yesterday.

i was nervous, excited, terrified.

but in the back of my mind, i really thought things were going to be okay. i thought the biggest shock we could get would be if one of the embryos split and we were have 3.

i was wrong.

my uterus is empty. they saw nothing. nothing at all. not a hint of anything.

they sent us to the infertile waiting room to wait for the doctor. i was frozen, begging the tears to wait.

we sit down and the doctor says, "we don't know what's going on" we are presuming it is ectopic, but there is a chance that it is twins and it is too early to see them. he said, "we all thought it was twins, we were all so happy for you"

i have to go into the big city for a level 3 u/s by a physician on friday. just to double check that there is no one growing in there. from there, i go to my doctor for a shot of methodextrate(?) or whatever it's called. they've already run the labs and given me the consent forms for it.

i am crushed. i am beyond sad. i don't know how i'm going to make it through these days without bursting into tears constantly.

i kept waking up in the middle of the night crying. crying for the unfairness of it all. crying for the embryos that may be growing, that i will have to "dissolve" because they picked the wrong spot to burrow in. crying because i just want a baby, and i'm not 15, or a crack addict, and it doesn't seem like too much to ask.

is this really happening?

2009-09-14T05:23:00.000-07:00

i'm still in shock

and i'm freaking out a little.

i told my best friend and my parents, but that's it.

only one more week to wait and see

if everything is okay

and "count the yolk sacks" as my nurse said.

holy sh!t

holy sh!t!!

2009-09-11T11:51:00.000-07:00

it is 11dp5dt

and the beta is in.

it's 3000 !!!

holy sh!t.

i'm f*ckin knocked up!

the nurse told me there is no need to repeat the beta, and that is very high so i should not be shocked if there is more than one in there. we have our u/s scheduled for 9/21

holy sh!t

friday

2009-09-10T11:23:00.000-07:00

tomorrow is the big beta day! i've never been so anxious/excited to get my blood drawn.

i am hoping and hoping for good numbers.

i still can't believe i might actually be pregnant. mr. keeps making me pee on sticks just to "make sure it's still in there" (he obviously doesn't know that even if "it" wasn't "still in there" as he likes to say, my hcg would still be raised, but it makes him feel better, so what the hell)

thank you all so much for your kind words and support. i know for some of you it is really hard to see a fellow infertile cross over to the other side. i've been there too. i hope the success stories remind you that you too will get there. and i hope it happens soon.

i hope my positive feelings aren't going to come crashing down on me. i'm wary of being too hopeful or excited, but it's hard not to feel some happiness in 2 lines. i will update my results tomorrow as soon as i get them...

8dp5dt

2009-09-08T07:11:00.000-07:00

this post is different from the one i thought i was going to write.

over the last few days, i have been very tired. i've felt a little off, a little blah. the warmness and twinges in my uterus seemed to be turning into more like period cramps.

last night, as i laid in bed, i started writing out a post for today in my head, how i feared that my hope was waning, that these twinges and weird feelings in my abdomen were my body trying to have a period, but progesterone was keeping it from coming.

and then, the dog got me out of bed early. against all better reason, when i went to the bathroom, i decided to check out my first morning urine on a pee stick.

and whaddaya know. two lines appeared.

i have NEVER seen 2 lines. not on a HCG test, nor an LH test. never. and this was not a "hold it up to the light at a certain angle squinting" sort of 2 lines.

this was

TWO DARK INSTANT LINES!!!!!!!!!

so what did i do? i called the nurse who said she is very surprised i got a BFP this early and she'll let me come in on friday for a beta.

and then i went and bought the mother of all pregnancy tests, the DIGITAL.

and i saw the most beautiful sight i've ever seen....

(the monkey is something mr and i hide for each other around the house. it was the first valentine's gift he ever gave me. this monkey is waiting at mr.'s desk for when he gets home :)

now, i know it is early, and i still need to have a bloodtest to confirm and all that, but for today, i am feeling good, and full of hope.

they are in there!

2009-09-02T05:38:00.000-07:00

everything went smoothly with the transfer. i have 2 early blasts safely nestled in my uterus. hopefully they are finding the accommodations quite comfy and have decided to burrow in.

2 of our 3 frozen embies survived the thaw, which is perfect since we wanted to put 2 in. i'm a little relieved that one didn't make it since i'm not sure what our insurance would make us do. as it is, they count FET's the same as IVF's and made us use of frozen embryos before they would approve a fresh cycle. we max out at 6 for a lifetime, so it's good to know next time (hopefully not for a few years...) we can do a fresh cycle.

i'm feeling good and positive. i relaxed for most of monday and tuesday, as mr. was home taking care of me :)

they are making me wait SO long for my beta. it's not until the 14th! (which is 14dp5dt) last time they had me do a beta at 10dp5dt. i'm certain i will have to POAS before that!

julie and julia

2009-08-26T09:18:00.000-07:00

i went on a lady date with a girlfriend of mine last night. we went out for dinner and then to see the movie "Julie & Julia". i think we were the only people there that weren't nana's, but it was fun. i do recommend the movie for you chick flick lovers.

anyway, there was one spot in the movie that really "got" me. i found my eyes burning with the yearning to cry, while my chest felt tight. i could relate SO much. here it is. it was such a small part, i don't think it will ruin it if you are planning on seeing it...

there is a point in the movie when Julia Child gets a letter from her sister in the mail announcing her pregnancy. she tells her husband, "oh, she's pregnant!" and immediately her husband comes to her side and puts his arm around her. through her crying, Julia tries to say,"i'm happy for her", while her husband hushes and soothes her with a quiet, "i know."

i have been right there. i have tried to be happy for my friends for their news, while mr. gently soothed me and held me and fully understood how crushed i was feeling. it hurts. it makes me feel like i am alone on an island with mr. and we have to watch people across the water eat and laugh and play and we just have to sit there alone, together. i hope i don't have to feel this too much longer. i don't know if i can bear it. please oh please let this work.

prepared for take off

2009-08-24T12:14:00.001-07:00

i just got the call.

my lining check and bloodwork results are good. i have the go ahead to start progesterone shots tomorrow night (woo hoo) and my transfer will be on monday :)

it's been so long since i've done a shot at home....i am NOT looking forward to getting used to that again!

plea

2009-08-20T07:19:00.000-07:00

i need this to work

i NEED this to work

i need THIS to work

i need this to WORK!

i feel like everyone around me is pregnant. seriously. two more pregnancy announcements over the weekend, and i spent the weekend with prego friend #1 and prego friend #2, who are due 2 weeks apart. as you can imagine, there was lots of pregnancy and baby talk. ugh.

i'm feeling good and positive about this cycle, but mostly because i can't bear to think about what comes next if it doesn't work.

i honestly don't know how some of you keep on going after so much heartache and procedures and surgeries and side effects and time and money and....so much. well, part of me does know, you keep going because you can't stop until you reach your goal of a healthy baby.

i know this FET might not work. the numbers are not in our favor. (FET at my clinic has about a 33% success rate) but i NEED it to work. i'm getting ready to start a new school year, which means the next few months will be stressful and hectic as it is, while the new kids and i adjust to one another. i can't possibly keep my business going if i have to start late and miss days for a fresh cycle. the new families won't understand, and may leave, and enrollment is down as it is, so i really can't afford to let that happen. because of the regulations, i can't hire a fill in person either, (although i guess i may have to see what i can do there if i have to)

i need this to work. i'm afraid of where i will go if it doesn't.

please oh please tell me you know SOMEONE who's had a BFP from an FET....pretty please?

and so it begins...

2009-08-12T08:48:00.000-07:00

aunt flo FINALLY arrived on Sunday. i was so excited, when i wiped and realized this in the wee hours of the morning, i actually said, "yesss!" in a quiet way to myself. i'm a dork.

i called the nurse first thing monday morning to let them know. they call back later in the afternoon to let you know what your "Day 1" is going to be. they determine your day 1 based on the other patients' schedules. since we are doing a FET, they give us one embryologist just for our embies that day, so they have to make sure there aren't too many other transfers that day.

they gave me my Day 1 as Tuesday, August 11th. of course that means i was supposed to go in for blood on Day 5, Saturday. we are going to Long Island for a wedding on friday morning. when i called to get the details on what lab was open on saturday i explained to the nurse that i had to rearrange ferry and hotel reservations and shorten my vacation. she pled my case to the doc and he said he would do the labs on friday before i leave. yay! of course i was willing to do what i had to do, but it was so nice that they were so accommodating. now mr and i can enjoy our long weekend away, instead of being annoyed at driving so far for 1 day.

so, i began the estrace tablets (1mg twice a day) on sunday and will continue that through day 5. on day 6, i increase to 2 mg twice a day. it changes more from there, but i don't have my calendar in front of me. my estimated transfer date is August 31st :)

still here

2009-08-06T07:18:00.000-07:00

hello out there

i'm still here

just waiting and waiting for aunt flo to appear

i'm really hoping it all works out timing wise to not interfere with a planned trip to long island for a wedding next weekend.... i have to go in for bloodwork on day 5 and day 9. if she comes today, it will cut this weekend's plans short (i was supposed to be away through monday) but will allow me to give blood on my way out of town on friday. if she does not arrive today, i really need her to hold off so i can enjoy my weekend away and not miss my friend's wedding.

advice needed

2009-07-29T18:13:00.000-07:00

I'm thinking about posting this on my facebook notes, but I'm not sure. I don't want to sound too angry or annoyed or anything, just trying to provide some information for others. I'm also wondering if I should pretend I didn't write it and copied it from somewhere else (with permission of course) Please let me know what you think. Edits welcome as well.

10 THINGS YOU SHOULD NEVER SAY TO AN INFERTILE 10. "Go on a vacation!" Most infertiles can't afford a vacation, because they are spending all their money on fertility treatments, and being in a tropical location is not going to improve their chances of conceiving...see #9 9. "Just relax" This one gets us the most, you see, infertility is an actual medical condition that no amount of "relaxing" is going to fix. 8. "Stop trying and you'll get pregnant." If it were that simple, we would be pregnant by now. Seriously. 7. "Why don't you just adopt?" While adoption may be an option some infertiles choose, and a totally acceptable one at that, it is probably not most peoples' first choice. Adoption is a long and involved expensive process. Choosing adoption also means we have given up on ever having children who are biologically related to us. This is a difficult decision and one that takes a lot of time to make. 6. "A friend of a friend of a friend I know decided to (adopt/quit trying, etc) and they got pregnant!" We infertiles are happy for your friend of a friend-the urban legend, and we know these people exist, but this is the exception, not the rule. 5. "You can have one of mine!" Please don't offer us one of your children, your eggs, or your husband's sperm. You probably don't mean it and this is offensive to some infertiles who will actually have to consider using some part of someone else at some point. 4. "You're so lucky you get to (sleep in/go on vacation/etc)" Although we probably are able to do some things because we don't have children, we have made the decision that we would like to give up some of these freedoms in order to have children. Infertiles don't feel "lucky", in fact, they would do just about anything to have to wake up to a crying baby. 3. "Are you SURE you want kids?!?" Although you are probably saying this in jest when your own child is misbehaving, please don't imply that all of our struggles have not been carefully thought out. Going through infertility treatments takes a lot of time/money/emotion and we wouldn't be going through it if we didn't actually want children. 2. "Are you pregnant yet?" Although you are probably just trying to keep up with how your infertile friend is doing, please don't ask this question. Any infertile who does finally get pregnant will share the happy news when they are ready. 1. "I'm pregnant!" This is a tricky one. You are probably excited to share your happy news, but if you have a friend who is struggling, please put some thought into how she will find out. I recommend an email, so she has time to process the information in case she's having a particularly bad day. Your infertile friend is TRULY happy for you, but hearing about another person's pregnancy also reminds her of what she doesn't have. Whatever you do, do NOT let her A. find out from someone else, B. find out on facebook or C. find out it was an "accident". If you know someone who is struggling with infertility, just let them know you are there for them. Ask if they want to talk about it or don't want to talk about it. If they seem up for talking, ask questions about the procedures they are going through so you better understand what is involved. Don't be offended if they don't want to participate in baby showers and outings with children. Sometimes this is too hard. Follow their lead in terms of talking about your own pregnancy/children, etc. If they ask questions, they are probably okay with talking about it, but if not, they may not be in a place that they can talk about it without feeling sad and left out. If your friend seems to lose touch a little bit, don't be offended. She may be having a hard time emotionally and is just trying to keep it to herself. Infertility takes a huge toll on a person and a couple. Treatments are expensive, invasive and can cause many side effects, like crankiness, bitchiness, exhaustion, headaches, etc. The whole thing is an emotional rollercoaster. Remind your friend that you are there when she wants to talk, drink, not talk, whatever. Let her know you are sorry she has to go through this and you are hoping for her too.

still waiting...

2009-07-28T14:09:00.000-07:00

aunt flo has still not arrived. i went in for the blood test this morning and i'm not pregnant (no surprise there) so i will pick up my provera prescription today. let the games begin!

surprises

2009-07-23T06:11:00.000-07:00

mr. and i had to go to new jersey this past weekend for his dad's wife's birthday. it happened to coincide with our one year anniversary. i figured we would celebrate another time, go out to a nice dinner or something. my father in law used his points or whatever and put us up in a hotel, which was very nice of him. we checked in late after visiting with FIL and other family for dinner at his house. as soon as we checked in, i went to the bathroom. when i came out, there was a bottle of champagne on the bed with 2 champagne flutes, a sweet card and a jewelry store bag!! what a sweet surprise! mr. got me the wedding cake charm for my Pandora bracelet. it was such an unexpected surprise! of course i felt like a shmuck because i hadn't even brought a card for him, but it was so sweet. he's a keeper, that one.

it's been a while

2009-07-15T10:32:00.000-07:00

it's been a while since my last post. nothing too much to report. as much as i did not want to take a break, it's actually been kind of nice. i don't think i realized how much all the meds and stress of daily appointments, etc. was taking a toll on me. i've actually felt normal lately!

since i had a little break from treatment and had no doctor-imposed restrictions on my exercise, i went back to my trainer and have been boxing with him 3 days a week. he is KICKING MY ASS! every muscle in my body aches, i make sound from the pain anytime i get up from sitting or go up the stairs, and it feels great! although, i am so sore today i don't know how i'm going to handle the ass-kicking this afternoon.

this weekend, mr. and i celebrate our first year of marriage :) the time flew by and we are even more in love than we were on that day. he truly is my best friend and i can't imagine a life without him. unfortunately we will be "celebrating" while in new jersey for his stepmother's 60th birthday party- that we received an email about, saying,"we'd like the weekend to be stress free, but please wear khaki pants and a white top so we all look nice in photos." yea, enough said. at least we got a hotel room so we can escape the madness when we need to!

my meds for the thaw cycle came in the mail. just estrace pills and progesterone in oil shots. i'm still waiting for flo to arrive, but i actually do think i ovulated this month so it should come on time around the 25th. we'll see...

normal

2009-07-08T05:42:00.000-07:00

thanks for putting up with my jealous and bratty last post. if you commented, or are interested, i posted some follow up thoughts in the comments of that post. you ladies always "see" me at my worst. every emotion and feeling gets written out in this blog, and rarely in real life. so thanks.

as much as i didn't want to take a break this month, it's actually okay. i don't think i realized how much i was affected by all the hormones and stuff. i actually feel normal! on the drugs, i was exhausted and irritated and b!tchy. it's been nice to be able to go out for drinks with friends and get things accomplished around the house. and be pleasant to my husband.

mr.m is CONVINCED we can get pregnant on our own. (and if i was cool i could link to an older post about that, but i still can't figure out how to do that...damn) he has me peeing on OPK's and doing the deed every other day. i am playing along, even though i know there is no way we will get pregnant on our own. he actually falls for all those stories everyone tells him about a "friend they know". whatever, i am actually in a good mood, so i'm enjoying all the se.x. i am also hoping aunt flo will show up right on time so we can get moving on this thaw cycle.

speaking of which, remember way back when, when i used to be all hopeful and optimistic? (again, sorry i can't link) well, i'm bringing hopeful back. (sing it like justin) last cycle i tried to remain neutral, and i did. and it didn't help at all. the negative hit me harder than any other try. so this time, i'm making it like i'm going to the superbowl! i'm excited and i'm going to stay that way. i'm surrounding myself with positive optimism.

i may fall on my face in the end, but i know i'll have you girls to pick me back up.

Left out

2009-07-06T05:49:00.000-07:00

i do not have a sister. i have two big brothers who were older than me in age enough that we didn't really form a relationship until we were adults. i do however have many close girlfriends. unfortunately, those girlfriends DO have sisters, but anyway... i feel like they are the closest things i have to ever knowing what it's like to have a sister.

flashback to a few years ago at my 10 year high school reunion... me and two of said close friends, we'll call them Julia and Alleni. we are all chatting about plans for our future. we talk about when we will start trying to have kids. (they were already married, i was getting married the next summer) neither of them are ready, but i know i will be trying right away after i get married. we talk and laugh about how much fun it would be if they tried at the same time and we could all be pregnant together and our kids will be the same age and wouldn't it be so great....

shortly after i start trying, they tell me they aren't trying, but they aren't trying not to. months go by and they start asking me when to try, what they are doing wrong. i give them a few tips and mention OPK's, but they "don't want it to be a science experiment." some more months go by and i start to guess that one of them is pregnant, Alleni, my best friend, finally tells me at 8 weeks. i am a little hurt she waited so long, since if i hadn't been going through all this infertility crap she would have told me after she peed on a stick, quite possibly before she told her husband for that matter. instead, she waited until she was about to see me and knew her family might slip and sent me an email.

over the weekend, Julia told me she's having a baby. she's due 2 weeks after Alleni. she just told me, at 13 weeks.

i feel sad. i feel left out. i feel hurt that because of my infertility neither of them told me right away. both of these friends are friends who would have normally told me right away. instead, especially with Julia, i mean 13 weeks!! come on!! she is already showing, everyone knows and i feel like she was purposefully avoiding me and keeping it from me. in the meantime, the two of them have been talking and sharing in their pregnancy bliss together. they are expecting babies within 2 weeks of each other. they have each known about the other since Alleni told me at 8 weeks.

i'm happy for my friends, i really am. i'm happy they don't have to go through what i am going through. but i also feel like, they aren't calling and hanging out and whatever because they don't know what to say, or how to be. i've always wanted to know what it was like to have a sister. i felt like being pregnant at the same time as one or both of these friends would have given me that sense. instead, they are sharing in it together and i'm still f*cking barren.

when is it my turn?

RE appointment

2009-06-27T10:07:00.000-07:00

friday, mr.m and i met with the RE to discuss next steps. he recommended moving forward with the thaw cycle, beginning after my NEXT period. i didn't want to skip a month, and when i explained that, he said, "well, you want to get pregnant don't you?" his take on it is that my body needs a month to get all of the meds from last cycle out of my system, as well as to completely shed the lining from that cycle as well. he is sure this will increase our chance of success. if i don't get my period on my own, he will give me provera on 7/27. i trust him. the place i go has the best success rates in the area, so i figure they've got a formula they like to stick to. he did agree to put 2 blasts in. (we have 2 expanded blasts that they will thaw first and 1 early blast in case one of the others doesn't survive)

over the next 4 weeks, i am going to go to a trainer 3 days a week and also try to eat nothing but healthy food. over the last few months, my exercise has kind of dwindled and i'd like to feel good and maybe lose a few pounds that i gained from all the hormones and stress.

especially if i'm going to be eating for 3....

i don't want a break

2009-06-25T05:58:00.000-07:00

i'm feeling a little better today. one of my girlfriends invited me and mr. over for tacos and beer last night. it was a very nice gesture and was just what i needed.

i've decided i would like to express some concerns to the RE tomorrow about taking a break. i don't want to take a break and here are the reasons i'm going to bring up with him.

1. i feel like we just had a 2 month break. i had an IUI in march, april's cycle was cancelled and may i was on BCP getting ready for my june IVF.

2. i feel like a FET (frozen embryo transfer) IS a break. it gives my body a little break because there will be no stimming, no retrieval surgery, etc.

3. i'm working part time in july and i took all of august off. i'd rather use that time to get to all the appointments, etc. rather than push things into september when i will be working full time again and busy with new kids and the start of school. families depend on me for childcare and any day i need off, they are left without it.

i'm not sure he'll agree, but i figure it's worth a shot. i also want to double check with the insurance people that i will still be approved for a fresh cycle if the thaw cycle doesn't work. originally i was only approved for 2 IVF cycles and the nurse told me the thaw cycle does count as an IVF. if i can only do one more, i'd rather do another fresh cycle. the nurse doesn't think it will be a problem since i have the insurance with the best infertility coverage, but i would want to double check before the thaw cycle.

i'm really glad the RE is going to see us tomorrow. i'm interested in seeing if they learned any more information during this last cycle that may improve our chances next time. we were never told the letter grades of our embryos so i'd like to know that too. i also want to ask him what our chances are of conceiving on our own without medical intervention. i think mr. needs to hear it from the horses mouth. he still keeps talking about "trying for another year on our own" which frustrates me to no end.

crying and TMI about my sex life

2009-06-24T09:44:00.000-07:00

for some reason, i am taking this negative pregnancy test much harder than any of the others over the past year. even though i had little faith it would work out, i think a part of me felt more hope because, i mean, the doctor's created the beginnings of life and put it right where it needed to be. i know my chances were about 50/50, but still....why shouldn't it work?

i spent the day quiet and alone yesterday, although i didn't cry. mr.m was sad too and we went out for sushi and beer. last night we had sex for the first time in a long while. (funny how little sex you have when trying to have a baby..) we weren't allowed to have sex when i was stimming or after the retrieval, so it had been a good couple of weeks.

it started out a little awkward as mr. tried rubbing my hips and hit my bruises from all the PIO shots. and then as we got into a little, it all hit me like a ton of bricks.....the shots, the bruises, the side effects. my insides have been a pathway for ultrasound wands and speculums, needles and catheters, not pleasure. i was so glad he couldn't see me in the darkness, as i was fighting back tears, waiting for it to be over. (sounds horrible, doesn't it?) as soon as he was done, i lost it. i heaved and sobbed for all that i've been through over the last few months. i cried over the baby that didn't grow inside of me and over my body that keeps on betraying me. i cried over all of my fertile friends and not being able to share in what they have. and i cried about having to keep on waiting and will this waiting ever end. i cried at the thought of never getting to feel someone kicking me from the inside, and at the possibility of being in this same place in another year.

i can't handle being infertile today. it's just not fair. i can't even talk to any of my real life friends. i can't even say it out loud. i sent them an impersonal mass email telling them it didn't work and not to ask me about it. i can barely keep it together today.

thank you, all of you, for being there and writing your story and reading along with mine. i truly feel like it's the only thing that allows me to keep putting one foot in front of the other. i hope that this painful journey ends happily for us all.

but for today, i am just crying.

no change for me

2009-06-23T10:16:00.000-07:00

over the last few weeks and months, i have been slowly moving blogs from the "infertility" section on my sidebar to the "pregnant" one. this blog will not be changing to a pregnancy blog anytime soon.

i am not pregnant.

i'm choking back tears and the urge to call and cry to mr. i don't want him to hear the news at work though, because i know it'll crush him too. he gets to have a few more hours to hope.

my doctor wants to meet with us both on friday to discuss things and sign consents for a FET. he wants me to take a month off first, which i'm not psyched about, but he thinks that'll improve our chances. maybe i can motivate to lose a few pounds while we wait, which can't hurt either.

last day to hope

2009-06-23T06:00:00.001-07:00

i just got back from giving my blood for my beta. i should hear back from the nurse between 1 and 5 today.

i am feeling bipolar today. one minute i am about to cry, sure that this didn't work, the next minute, hope creeps in and i'm smiling. mr. is still so hopeful. since the transfer he has been saying, "you ARE pregnant until someone tells us otherwise." i hope he's right. and i hope he's not crushed later on today. we agreed that no matter what the result, i will not call him today. i'll pick him up from the train station and tell him tonight. he wanted me to let them leave a message on the machine and we'd listen to it together, but i didn't want to do that for a number of reasons. first, i don't want to wait any longer than i have to! second, i kept imagining us standing next to the phone, feeling all anxious, only to have them to say "sorry, it didn't work." then we'd just feel pathetic. and lastly, i'm kind of a loner. if i am not pregnant, i rather just spend the rest of the day being alone with my sadness, not talking to anyone. if i am pregnant, i'll have some time to plan a way to tell him.

so that's that. i'll update the news when i hear.

thanks!

2009-06-22T06:05:00.001-07:00

thanks for all the support and reassurance, ladies! the spotting is slowing down and after googling all day yesterday i definitely feel better about it.

my beta is tomorrow....

oh no

2009-06-21T06:35:00.000-07:00

i'm bleeding.

just a little, when i wipe.

please tell me this is normal...

feeling lost

2009-06-19T07:31:00.000-07:00

i feel like i am just waiting for each day to pass. i have been so exhausted and therefore not able to go out and do anything to keep my mind busy. it feels weird not to be going to the doctor for various bloodwork and ultrasounds, etc. today it is a rainy miserable day and i'm feeling pretty rainy and miserable. i have this sinking feeling that this try at IVF was not successful and it's really hitting me as to what that means.

i just want to curl up and have the day pass quickly. maybe i'll on-demand a chick flick and put my pj's back on. i have some plans for the weekend that will hopefully preoccupy my mind, and then i just have to get through monday.

i just want to know, good or bad. if it's good news, then, well, that's good! but if it's the bad news i'm thinking it will be, at least then we can jump back on the horse and begin the next steps.

frozen embies

2009-06-18T15:01:00.000-07:00

we received a letter in the mail informing us that 3 of our embryos made it to freeze! i'm glad we found this out before the beta (which is tuesday, by the way). i think it will be easier to cope with a negative result knowing we can do a FET next. that will give my body a little bit of a break from all the shots and retrieval and such.

mr. still seems very hopeful. i am pretty much convinced it didn't work. although, i think mostly because i'm trying to protect myself.

mantra

2009-06-17T10:16:00.001-07:00

i will not pee on a stick

random thoughts about the wait

2009-06-16T13:29:00.001-07:00

still here, just waiting and trying to keep my mind from getting too attached or hopeful. i am also trying to keep mr.m from getting too attached or hopeful too. i feel like i need to protect him from the possible heartache by reminding him that this might not work. he is so hopeful. he calls me and asks how our blastocyst is doing. he kisses my belly. i know he doesn't read all these heartbreaking stories of what other people have gone through (like i do, i'm a blog addict) to know what could happen. part of me is glad he is unaware, but at the same time, i need to protect him from getting too excited. does that make sense?

i'm tired from the progesterone and the lack of caffeine. (okay, i've been having a little half caf) my boobs are so sore that when i bend over in the morning without a bra on i feel like the insides of my breast are falling out of my nipple. doctor's orders are no sex and no orgasms until the beta. (and no caffeine, alcohol or fake sugar)

so here's the dilemma,

a lot of people know that we are going through IVF. our families, friends, and my clients. as i've mentioned, i run a small part time child care business out of an addition on our house. because i was going to have to take days off with little notice and change my hours to make it back from morning labs and u/s, i told the families that come here about it as well. a few of them have gone through it, so they have been really helpful. it's been great to have so much support during all of this and to have the chance to educate the people in our lives about infertility and the process of IVF.

however, the big problem is with the result. because so many people know and are hoping and praying for us, they will want to know if it worked. most of them ask, "so, when do you find out?!?" we realize we are probably going to have to tell people if we do get pregnant even though we'd prefer to wait at least until the first u/s (and 12 weeks for many of them!). and then, what if i miscarry? that will be hard to have to relive over and over telling people. on a sheet we were given about 'surviving the wait', the clinic recommends picking one person to spread the word either way. i don't know if this will really work for us either.

so far we decided not to tell anyone the actual date we will find out. we are being vague, saying, "in a few weeks" that way, no matter what the result, we can have the info ourselves for a few days before we have to share it. but what do we do?? should we send out an email to the effect of "thanks for the support and good thoughts, but please don't ask if we're pregnant?" i don't know. any advice about what to do is welcome.

there's something in there

2009-06-13T14:32:00.000-07:00

one beautiful expanded blastocyst is inside of my uterus.

i hope the little one is finding it comfy and cozy in there and finds a nice cushy spot to nestle in and stick around a while.

even though they just told me to take it easy, i'm totally crazy and laying down and i don't want to sit up for fear of squishing him.

waiting

2009-06-12T08:37:00.001-07:00

this whole infertility thing is a big game of hurry up and wait

wait to ovulate, wait to try, wait to find out, wait for doctor's instructions....

but is it bad that i don't want to leave the house because i just want to wait for the nurse to call me and tell me what time my transfer is tomorrow? i feel like i just want to sit on the couch and stare at the phone, willing it to ring all day long like a crazy person....

anyway,

i enjoyed lots of UNpasteurized and soft cheeses last night with a nice glass of wine. maybe a little hopeful of an activity, but, oh well

i'm back down to .5lbs below my pre retrieval weight. woo hoo.

i actually feel normal today for the first time in a long time.

hopefully that's the last of that.....

transfer

2009-06-11T05:47:00.000-07:00

the embryos are still doing well, i will have a day 5 transfer on saturday. they will only transfer 1 embryo this try, unless there are no grade A embies, then the doctor is willing to discuss putting 2 in.

this is finally sinking in that i may actually get pregnant. i am trying not to think about it too much, i don't want to get my hopes up, but at the same time i'm trying to stay calm and positive. it's a delicate balance i suppose.

i'll let you know how it goes on saturday. i suppose i should have some wine and some brie tomorrow night....

for those of you that have done this before, what does your doctor recommend for after the transfer? bedrest? just take it easy? for how long?

one more thing, the bloat is finally going down a little. i lost .8 pounds since yesterday.

how many embies?

2009-06-10T13:44:00.000-07:00

15!!

YAY! 15 little embryos seem to be doing well. they have scheduled my transfer for tomorrow morning, but they will call me at 8:30 and let me know if it will be moved to saturday. the nurse said it is more likely that it will be saturday since there are so many and they seem to be doing well.

fingers crossed!

bloat

2009-06-10T05:53:00.000-07:00

oh my, i sure am bloated and sore. i was given instructions to eat lots of protein, and drink a gallon of fluid per day, half of which has to be gatorade. i am doing all those things, but i have gained 2.5 pounds of fluid since the retrieval. i think it's okay, they said to expect to gain 1-2 pounds and call if i was gaining more than 2 pounds per day. the 2.5 pounds was over 2 days, so i think it's okay, but i feel sore and bloated! i actually caught myself doing a version of the pregnancy waddle where i was moving with my belly first. i feel like i can't bend over. i hope this goes away soon.

21 Oocytes!!

2009-06-08T14:42:00.000-07:00

my retrieval was this morning and they got 21 eggs!! i will find out more on the development on wednesday afternoon. assuming all goes well, my transfer will be thursday or saturday :)

for those of you interested, or who may have to go through it someday, here's how the day went...

i had to stop eating and drinking as of midnight. i was to arrive at the place at 8am for a 9am retrieval. i couldn't wear any jewelry, contacts or anything scented. (apparently eggs and embies do not like odors)

i have to admit, i was terrified! i kept telling myself, 'it's only a needle, you are used to needles' and 'you won't feel a thing'. but i was scared.

when i got there, they had me change into a johnny and gave me warm blankets. they asked a few questions, confirmed my identity and started the IV. they had to put it into the bruise in my arm from saturdays bloodwork. ew. then the anesthesiologist came in and talked to me. i had never been put under or had any type of surgery before.

they wheeled me in early (the person who was supposed to go before me was late because of an accident on the highway. i was also held up by this but gave myself 2 hours to get to the place which is 45 min away. it took me the whole 2 hours)

the lights were dim. when i sat on the table, the embryologist came in and introduced herself and checked my identity. (she was pretty and kind, take care of my embies!) then the doc performing the surgery checked my id, and then the nurse. they had me scoot down on the table and put my legs in stirrups. they are bigger and higher than the regular ones and hold you at the knee. the last thing i remember is them asking me to do one more scoot. the next thing i knew, i was waking up in the recovery room with mr holding my hand and the nurse beside me. i was groggy and started to feel sore right away. the nurse put something into my IV for the pain. a few minutes later i was starting to feel better. i took some tylen.ol and had crackers and ginger ale. about 15 minutes later, the cramping felt manageable and i felt awake. they had me try to pee. i couldn't. i drank 3 cups of water and tried again. i still couldn't go!

i was almost starting to worry. i read the book SO CLOSE by Tertia Albertyn. i remembered she had talked about not being able to pee after one of her retrievals and had to be hospitalized. the nurse ran the water, and gave me a magazine to try to get my mind off of it. the problem was whenever i relaxed, i felt some pain, so i tensed up again. their final trick was to pour warm water on myself. i finally went and i was able to go home.

i am sleepy and a little sore, but overall doing alright.

quick update

2009-06-07T05:12:00.000-07:00

i'll write more later, but i wanted to write a quick update while i have internet (it's been in and out all weekend)

yesterday the left ovary caught up. there are now 28 measurable follies!! (16-20mm)

after much drama after missing the phone call from the doc because my home phone was out (and i have no cell service at home) i finally got my instructions. (more on that later)

i triggered last night at 9pm and my retreival is MONDAY at 9 AM

i'm freaking out.

and my ovaries feel like they are going to explode!

but, NO SHOTS TODAY!!

she said, "holy moly!" updated

2009-06-04T06:16:00.001-07:00

no kidding,

first the u/s tech checked out my left ovary. there were 3 measurable follicles, (11, 12, 13mm) and lots more that were under 10. she then moved over to my right ovary and exclaimed,

"HOLY MOLY!"

i said, "yeah, my right side has been killing me"

"no wonder" she said," there are 12 big follicles!"(i forget all the measurements, most were 12 or 13, a few were 15 and 16)

she then proceeded to ask how much meds i was on and how many follicles i had before (on clomid) (1 the first time and zero the second)

she told me it was a party in there!

hopefully my blood results are equally as good. back again everyday now until i trigger. i will update this afternoon when i hear back from the nurse.

***UPDATE: The nurse called back and said I am responding well. She didn't tell me my levels of anything, which is fine since i wouldn't know what they meant and would be consulting dr. google about them anyway. one less thing to worry about. I am to reduce my gonal.f to 150 tonight and tomorrow and go for bloodwork and u/s on saturday.

i hope this means they're workin'

2009-06-02T13:36:00.000-07:00

ouch

my ovaries are sore and achy. i am very aware of them. it is mild to moderately bothersome.

i sure hope this means they are growing eggs like crazy

(but not too crazy)

shooting up in public

2009-05-31T14:13:00.000-07:00

okay, so i had to bring my lu.pron and a needle (and a little portable sharps container) to a concert on friday night. i got my bag searched. they opened my wallet, they looked through my change purse, apparently looking for the kind bud i was not carrying and totally missed the drug paraphernalia. phew. i did make sure with my cop friend that it was legal for me to be carrying around needles in my purse, and it is, but i was still glad i didn't have to explain myself. shooting up in the bathroom proved to be slightly challenging, what with the lack of sterile surfaces in the stall for me to put things on, but i managed.

on saturday i had to go out to my car at a function to shoot up, this time adding in the second shot (gonal.f) man i am a regular junkie these days....

so far all is alright with the stims. i felt a little out of it/tired today, but that may have been from my busy weekend...i was bummed i couldn't enjoy the weather on my kayak today. the doc says i can't "bend, twist or lift" while on the stims to avoid OHSS which sounds incredibly painful and unpleasant, so i will abide. i did get out for a nice long walk with a friend and our pups though :)

hope you all had a nice weekend.

check check

2009-05-26T13:27:00.000-07:00

i had my suppression check today. all is quiet and as it should be. because they have a bunch of IVF patients all on the same schedule, i have to continue the 10 units of lupron through Friday and start the stims and the reduced lupron on saturday. (they are trying to space us all out so there are no scheduling conflicts).

my headache seems to have finally subsided. phew!

not so lovely

2009-05-24T07:27:00.001-07:00

i have had a raging headache for 3 days.

damn that lupron!

jeopardy

2009-05-21T15:34:00.000-07:00

i feel like my world is moving along with jeopardy music in the background.

da na na nana na na na. da na na na NA na nananana

just waiting and waiting. taking my metformin and my lovely lupron every night at 8:30 and my last BCP tonight....

on a random note, tomorrow is my LAST DAY OF SCHOOL!! YAY! since i run my own little preschool and set my own schedule, it's my last day. i'm cutting down to 4 mornings a week for "summer camp" so i can get to all my appointments and try to stay calm and healthy.

also, mr.m and i finally broke down and bought a new tv!! it's obnoxiously huge and i am loving the high def. i even enjoyed watching basketball last night just because it was so huge and clear. our old television was about a 20" built in to a piece of furniture. it was probably 20 years old or more. it still worked like a champ, but we were definitely ready for an upgrade!

lu.pron

2009-05-18T09:06:00.000-07:00

my first night of the lupron was Friday. it happened to coincide with a dinner party we were throwing at our house, but i was able to sneak upstairs and shoot up without anyone noticing. it went fine. after each shot, the area stings a little for a few minutes, but nothing too bad. i haven't really noticed any side effects yet, but i've only done it 3 times so far. hopefully it continues to go smoothly. my suppression check is tues the 26th.

the junk

2009-05-14T12:31:00.000-07:00

i am a junkie anticipating her next fix.

i have fondled the needles in anticipation.

i have read and reread my drug calendar.

i start on the junk tomorrow.

and i can't wait to shoot up.

i just want to be doing something that could actually do something.

i never thought i'd be here...but here i am.

are BCP's making me crazy?!?

2009-05-11T09:10:00.000-07:00

i feel like i have been an emotional wreck lately. i am down and grumpy one day, then perfectly normal the next, only to have the blues take over again. i am all over the place! can the birth control pills be doing this to me? or am i really just a little crazy right now?

i start Lupron on Friday. what is that going to add to this mix?

i'll follow the sun

2009-05-08T10:41:00.000-07:00

i spent most of this week feeling sorry for myself. i was starting to feel things that i don't want to feel, like anger and bitterness toward friends who are pregnant, sadness about not being pregnant yet, overall just dark and dreary. i pretty much accomplished nothing, napped, watched tv and ate crap. i felt lonely and miserable and pissed off.

today i woke up and it was sunny outside. i felt pretty good and had a good morning with the kids. i went out to lunch with a pregnant friend and i'm even feeling better about going to her baby shower on saturday where there will most likely be some gushing over my other newly pregnant friend. i feel like the big dark cloud that was following me around all week has finally gone away. i'm glad, because i want to be able to be happy for my friends. i really am glad that none of them are going through what i am going through. if i can take one for the team and be the infertile one in the group, so be it.

my meds are coming today. i'm excited to see them and get started next friday. that's a little weird, i guess, to be excited about shooting yourself up with drugs, feels a little bit like i'm an addict or something....

i know it's probably weird to give out your address to some stranger on the web, but if anyone would like a 4 leaf clover, i now have 5 to give away......

lucky?

2009-05-07T05:40:00.000-07:00

yesterday i found 4 four leaf clovers.

or, i should say, they found me. this is not that unusual, i have found over 50 in the last 7 years (when i started finding them). i just glance at the ground and it is like they shout out to me. they catch my eye and i pick them. i ALWAYS give them away, which i think is why i keep on finding them. i haven't found one this year yet. yesterday i saw one, bent down to pick it and then they kept on catching my eye. i've got them flattening in a book. i usually put them in between contact paper after they are flat.

i hope this means good luck is coming my way....