I'm THAT woman.

Helloooo!

It's been SO long. I just haven't made the time, but the truth is, I'm busy and I have very little time to do anything I want to do these days.

The girls are AWESOME :) They are 14 months and happy, funny, smart little girls. They have about 20 signs and a handful of words. Macy has started walking and Lila walks holding one hand. I am still in awe that I created these amazing little girls. They give hugs and kisses (to me and Mr. and each other), they love animals (and know all their sounds) and music and books. Lila is more content and hates to do things wrong. She gets sad if you tell her not to do something. She tells her sister,"NOOO" if she is doing something wrong. Macy knows what she wants and will get it! She pushes the limits and throws little fits when she doesn't get her way. They are both sweet, determined and fun.

And they are going to be big sisters!

Mr and I got the shock of our lives when after a few days of not feeling well, I peed on a stick for the hell of it. Within a few days we had an u/s confirming that we were 7 and a half weeks pregnant (on our own) with one baby. I had only had 2 periods since the girls were born and was (and am) still nursing them. We hadn't been using any birth control since it took us almost 2 years and 3 rounds of IVF to get the girls and were told we only had a 1-4% chance of conceiving on our own. We actually had planned on using our frozen embryo in January, but I guess life had other plans. We are thrilled and shocked and excited and so relieved that this just happened on our own. Baby #3 is due at the end of April. The girls will be 20 months. Yup, 3 under 2. Our lives will be crazy and I may not be able to leave the house much, but they will be joyfilled for sure :)

is anybody still out there?

hi!

i know, i know 5 months have gone by

you've forgotten all about me

( i haven't forgotten about you, i've been reading and checking in

some of you are pregnant (yay!) have had babies (yay!) decided to pursue adoption (yay!) and all sorts of other things)

anyway, for the update

my girls are 5 months old today. i know it is a total cliche, but man oh man how the time flies. when did they get so big? and funny! they are funny! they "ha ha ha" and fake cough to get attention. they giggle and smile (i am a riot, it seems) and mouth things (and each other for that matter) they are beautiful and adorable and i am still in awe every day that they are mine.

this has been the hardest and most rewarding 5 months of my life. the first 4 weeks were a total crazy blur of non sleeping, pumping, crying craziness. week after week got a little easier. i worked really hard with lactation people and my girls to breastfeed them both (one refused to latch and lost too much weight) and it is finally working for us great now. one had a health scare and was hospitalized and poked and stuck with needles and IV's, but now we are in the clear and everyone is healthy. my marriage has been tested as having two babies is hard and being tired and breastfeeding makes physical intimacy painful and low on the list, but we are making small moments for each other and are even planning a dinner out sans babies soon (our first). the girls are learning how to sleep and are giving me glimpses of sanity with 4 or 5 hour stretches occasionally (not both at once of course but anything is better than every 3 hours an hour apart from each other which is our current schedule). someday i'll sleep again i'm sure.

going through everything i did to get here was horrible. i hated what a bitter, angry, negative person i was. i can now say though that i'm grateful for my journey because it led me here, to these two incredible souls that i get to love and care for and watch grow. motherhood has made me realize that i am a truly positive person. i embrace each moment no matter how challenging and am thankful for what i have and where my journey is taking me. i had always been a worrier, and of course i still worry and fear for my children's safety, but i try not to focus so much on the negative. i am truly trying not to take what i have for granted and enjoy every moment. i'm not sure i would have this attitude if it hadn't been such a trying road to get here.

anyway, that's where i am. enjoying my babies and the incredible gift i have been given. i pray for those of you who have had to endure horrible and unthinkable tragedy and loss. i hope for all of you who are at the edge of losing hope, that someday your journey leads you to a wonderful and joyful place. i am grateful to all of you who share the stories of your lives and for having this platform to tell mine when i felt so lost and alone.

they're here!

just wanted to let you know,

my 2 beautiful girls entered the world screaming and healthy on 8.31.10

Lila weighed in at 5 lb 14 oz and

Macy weighed in at a big 6 lb 1 oz

Mama and babies are doing great. we are home and falling in love with each other. they are so beautiful and perfect it makes my heart explode.

i wish and hope for all of you still in the midst of your IF journey that it ends like this for you. they were so worth every moment of heartache and pain.

Tuesday morning

on Tuesday, i am going to become somebody's mother.

i've wanted a baby and to be a mom since i was a little girl. i patiently waited through my college years and beyond and didn't do anything stupid to get knocked up until i was married. i went through almost two years of heartache, anger, injections, violating doctor's appointments, surgeries and losses to get pregnant.

my pregnancy wasn't smooth, but it was by no means complicated. there was some spotting, lots of weight loss, food aversions, exhaustion and vomiting. but the babies always were growing well. i am so grateful that this body of mine who was uncooperative for so long has hung in there and grown these two baby girls to full term- without bedrest or major problems. thank you, body for being so good to these babies.

i've enjoyed this pregnancy, even when i wasn't exactly enjoying it. i know this may be my only time to experience this and i really have tried not to complain too much or take it for granted. i loved watching my belly get hard and round, even as it turned into an explosion of ugly stretch marks and an enormity that i could never have imagined. i've loved feeling the girls swish and kick and twirl, even when they seemed to be trying to break my ribs or make me regurgitate my food. i've been in awe of my body and it's hugeness and how much effort it takes to roll from side to side, stand from sitting, get in or out of a car, walk through a store without sitting down, etc.

on tuesday morning, i will go into the hospital for a c-section and come out with TWO babies. and they will be my babies, that will probably look a little something like me or the mr, that have grown inside of me for 38 weeks. i will be responsible for loving them, caring for them, helping them to become intelligent, sensitive and aware human beings who contribute something to the world. i will not be able to look at them from another table at a restaurant and say, 'i would never let MY kid behave like that!' or watch them do something completely inappropriate and say, 'where is that kid's parent?!' i will have to make decisions about their life, take care of them when they are sick or hurt, figure out what i think is best, teach them to tie their shoes, read, be kind, drive. send them off on a date, to the prom, to college, down the aisle. hope everything i do for them and with them and every choice i make guides them toward a good life, one with minimal heartache, and lots of joy.

on tuesday morning, i will become a mother- of two daughters. it will change my life forever in ways i can't even know or imagine. my journey has led me here- to the doorstep of parenthood. i am terrified and elated. i can't wait to hold these girls in my arms, welcome them to the world, to our family, thank them for making me a mother, thank them for creating a new journey for me. love them forever.

quick update

at our friday u/s we got great news!

the girls shocked us all by jumping up over a pound each in less than 2 weeks!

Baby A went from 3lb 15oz to 5lb even

Baby B went from 4lb 6oz to 5lb 5oz

they also jumped back up on the chart to the 28th and 31st percentiles.

which means, no hospitalization for me and no delivery for them. yay!

the doctor was completely shocked. i told him i've been loading up on protein shakes, steak, hard boiled eggs and other protein (and ice cream incidentally, but i didn't mention that). he said he can't say that medically that works, but it seems to be helping so i should keep it up.

i feel much better knowing they have hit the 5 pound mark. they are currently at the average birth weight for twins. hopefully they grow a little bit longer, but i am feeling much more prepared for them to arrive any time now.

quick update

35 weeks and still pregnant.

Last week at our growth scan, we got some unsettling news. Both babies have slowed down in their growth and baby B is now a full half a pound bigger than A. Thay dropped from the 40th and 44th percentile to the 17th and 27th. bummer. they are running out of room.

This coming Friday we will have another u/s and they will decide what to do. According to my OB (who is much better at sharing info than the MFM's) they expect one or both babies to fall below the 10th percentile, officially declaring Inter Uter.ine Growth Rest.riction. If that is the case, they will either admit me and monitor me until 37 weeks, or if they are more than 20% apart in size, they will deliver me. I'm hoping i just need to wait it out on hospital bedrest and get these girls 2 more weeks or growth...we'll see.

i'm irritable

my uterus is that is...

i had my second NST (non stress test) yesterday morning and they've determined that the babies look great, but i have an "irritable uterus", which basically means near constant tiny little contractions with a few bigger ones thrown in. the doc checked me and my cervix is still long and closed. she instructed me to increase my fluid intake (i already drink like a camel) and rest rest rest! i spent most of yesterday on the couch and plan to do much of that today as well. i feel like these next few weeks are really important for the babies' growth. i'm 33 weeks now, and i'd like to make it to at least 35.5 or 36. this will really give the girls a good chance at leaving the hospital with me when i leave. around that time they develop the whole suck,swallow,breathe coordination, so that may help them avoid getting feeding tubes and all that. i have a growth u/s next monday and i'm hoping they are pushing 5 pounds each by that point.

i feel lucky i've made it this far with no major problems, so if i need to rest to keep these babies growing for a few more weeks, so be it. i can't wait to meet them, but i am willing to wait for them to grow some more to avoid the NICU.