putting it out there

lately i have been feeling unusually optimistic. 

 maybe it's the promise of spring in the air, or my upcoming birthday excitement, i don't know. 

often i reign in my positive and hopeful feelings, trying to protect myself from the possible fall. 

you know, the higher you are, the harder you fall kind of thing.

but lately, i really can imagine a tiny little baby growing inside of me.  i can picture it sleeping next to my bed, 

nursing it, 

tiny fingers,

tiny sounds. 

i am sending my positive baby vibes out into the universe, letting it know that 

i AM ready. 

maybe i haven't been on this rollercoaster long enough to be bitter and broken, 

maybe my hope will be shattered again in the end, 

but today, i'm putting it out there.  

just like oprah says to do...

i'm visualizing, hoping, 

surrounding myself in positive energy

and waiting for that baby to be mine.

thanks

thanks to all of you who have been reading and commenting.  it is so nice to see that my counter at the bottom is no longer just adding up the times i visit my own blog.  i was feeling a little lonely here in blog-land, and now i feel happy that others are sharing my journey with me.

so thanks, comments really are like blog hugs :p

acupuncture

a few people i know In Real Life that have gone through infertility highly recommended i do acupuncture.  one woman had 5 failed IUI's and 3 failed IVF cycles.  with her 4th IVF, she coupled it with acupuncture and now has a healthy baby girl. i figured it was worth a shot.

i have been going to acupuncture once a week since december, when i began fertility testing.  it costs $60 per 1 hour session.  mr.m and i decided that since it was (hopefully) short term, it was worth finding the extra money in our budget.  i love it!  sometimes the needles pinch a tiny little bit, just for a second, but then i can almost feel the energy waving through me.  it is very relaxing and i almost feel a little stoned at the end.  my acupuncturist, Jeanne is great.  she is quiet and calm in a wise sort of way.  she is very accommodating and was willing to fit me in before and after each IUI, no matter what day of the week they fell on.  

she is going on vacation on sunday and will be gone next week, just when i need her the most.  i am sad and disappointed.  she is calling another acupuncturist in the area to see if they can work with me for my IUI's, which is very kind of her.  i feel like after the relationship i've developed with her, it will be a little weird to go to someone for the first time before and after my IUI's.  i also can't imagine they will be as flexible with their schedule as she is.  we will see....

follicle check

today i had my follicle check.  i had one 11mm, one 10mm and many under 10mm.  i will go in again on saturday to get them measured again.  grow follies...grow!

that smile

last night...i saw it 

that smile.  

the one with a hint of hope

and the excitement of adventure.

as we lay in bed planning out when to abstain, when the IUI's may be.  he looked right at me with that smile.  

and i felt it.

i don't want to get too excited, still cautious about the possibility of heartache.

but, it sure feels good to see that smile

PCOS

so,  my baseline ultrasound.  

i drank and drank and drank water for an hour leading up to the u/s.  They were running late and I wasn't sure i had drunken (?) enough water, so i sat in the waiting room and drank some more.  Then,  i started realizing i definately drank enough, since i was starting to worry how much longer i could hold it.   they finally called me in.  They did a regular u/s (wand on the belly).  she remarked at how full my bladder was.  then i got to pee! best news i had heard all day. 

 when i got back into the room, i was to disrobe from the waist down.  the woman then busted out an enormously large wand.  i was a little scared.  she assured me that most of it was a handle. ( i didn't quite believe her). she didn't seem all that comfortable inserting it, like, she didn't look and just sort of pushed in the general direction until it went in.  which was a little weird, although someone told me later that when they had it done, they were told to insert it themselves, "like a tampon". hmmm.  

anyways,  it was fine.  as she did the u/s, she said, "do you have PCOS? has anyone ever mentioned that?"  um, no, but apparently i do if you see cysts all over my ovaries!?!  they had told me someone would call to give me the go ahead to start clomid on day 3.  at 4, no one had called, so i called them.  the nurse called back and told me i could start the pills.  when i asked about PCOS, she said, "well, you just have lots of follicles on your ovaries, like 20, when most people have 3".  That's when i said, "isn't that exactly what PCOS means?" (i mean come on lady, i googled it).  she said she'd have the doc call me back.  so, now i have been diagnosed with PCOS.  we are going ahead with this months plan and the doctor put some info in the mail for me.  he said that he will add metformin if this cycle doesn't work, but said, (in his very cute accent) "well i tink you will be pregnant dis month, so you won't need to see me again. but if not, we will add the metformin.  but hopefully we won't need to worry about it."  

he's so cute and it made me so happy that he was so hopeful and positive.   

getting started

yay!  aunt flo FINALLY arrived (sort of) on Saturday.  I called the doc this morning to make sure it counted, since it only lasted one day and they said that was typical of provera.  i go in tomorrow morning for my baseline ultrasound and i'll also begin the clomid tomorrow evening.  i will take clomid until saturday and go in on monday for another ultrasound to see how big my follicles are.

i am feeling excited and anxious just to get this process rolling, although i am trying not to get too excited about the IUI working the first time.  it seems like most blogs i read mention at least a few failed IUI's.  Has anyone actually gotten pregnant with a first IUI?? If you have, I would certainly love to know.  i have acupuncture today and i will let her know that our IUI's may be next week.  she is wonderful and will work around my schedule to do a treatment before and after each IUI.

fingers crossed.