i've wanted a baby and to be a mom since i was a little girl. i patiently waited through my college years and beyond and didn't do anything stupid to get knocked up until i was married. i went through almost two years of heartache, anger, injections, violating doctor's appointments, surgeries and losses to get pregnant.
my pregnancy wasn't smooth, but it was by no means complicated. there was some spotting, lots of weight loss, food aversions, exhaustion and vomiting. but the babies always were growing well. i am so grateful that this body of mine who was uncooperative for so long has hung in there and grown these two baby girls to full term- without bedrest or major problems. thank you, body for being so good to these babies.
i've enjoyed this pregnancy, even when i wasn't exactly enjoying it. i know this may be my only time to experience this and i really have tried not to complain too much or take it for granted. i loved watching my belly get hard and round, even as it turned into an explosion of ugly stretch marks and an enormity that i could never have imagined. i've loved feeling the girls swish and kick and twirl, even when they seemed to be trying to break my ribs or make me regurgitate my food. i've been in awe of my body and it's hugeness and how much effort it takes to roll from side to side, stand from sitting, get in or out of a car, walk through a store without sitting down, etc.
on tuesday morning, i will go into the hospital for a c-section and come out with TWO babies. and they will be my babies, that will probably look a little something like me or the mr, that have grown inside of me for 38 weeks. i will be responsible for loving them, caring for them, helping them to become intelligent, sensitive and aware human beings who contribute something to the world. i will not be able to look at them from another table at a restaurant and say, 'i would never let MY kid behave like that!' or watch them do something completely inappropriate and say, 'where is that kid's parent?!' i will have to make decisions about their life, take care of them when they are sick or hurt, figure out what i think is best, teach them to tie their shoes, read, be kind, drive. send them off on a date, to the prom, to college, down the aisle. hope everything i do for them and with them and every choice i make guides them toward a good life, one with minimal heartache, and lots of joy.
on tuesday morning, i will become a mother- of two daughters. it will change my life forever in ways i can't even know or imagine. my journey has led me here- to the doorstep of parenthood. i am terrified and elated. i can't wait to hold these girls in my arms, welcome them to the world, to our family, thank them for making me a mother, thank them for creating a new journey for me. love them forever.