10 THINGS YOU SHOULD NEVER SAY TO AN INFERTILE 10. "Go on a vacation!" Most infertiles can't afford a vacation, because they are spending all their money on fertility treatments, and being in a tropical location is not going to improve their chances of conceiving...see #9 9. "Just relax" This one gets us the most, you see, infertility is an actual medical condition that no amount of "relaxing" is going to fix. 8. "Stop trying and you'll get pregnant." If it were that simple, we would be pregnant by now. Seriously. 7. "Why don't you just adopt?" While adoption may be an option some infertiles choose, and a totally acceptable one at that, it is probably not most peoples' first choice. Adoption is a long and involved expensive process. Choosing adoption also means we have given up on ever having children who are biologically related to us. This is a difficult decision and one that takes a lot of time to make. 6. "A friend of a friend of a friend I know decided to (adopt/quit trying, etc) and they got pregnant!" We infertiles are happy for your friend of a friend-the urban legend, and we know these people exist, but this is the exception, not the rule. 5. "You can have one of mine!" Please don't offer us one of your children, your eggs, or your husband's sperm. You probably don't mean it and this is offensive to some infertiles who will actually have to consider using some part of someone else at some point. 4. "You're so lucky you get to (sleep in/go on vacation/etc)" Although we probably are able to do some things because we don't have children, we have made the decision that we would like to give up some of these freedoms in order to have children. Infertiles don't feel "lucky", in fact, they would do just about anything to have to wake up to a crying baby. 3. "Are you SURE you want kids?!?" Although you are probably saying this in jest when your own child is misbehaving, please don't imply that all of our struggles have not been carefully thought out. Going through infertility treatments takes a lot of time/money/emotion and we wouldn't be going through it if we didn't actually want children. 2. "Are you pregnant yet?" Although you are probably just trying to keep up with how your infertile friend is doing, please don't ask this question. Any infertile who does finally get pregnant will share the happy news when they are ready. 1. "I'm pregnant!" This is a tricky one. You are probably excited to share your happy news, but if you have a friend who is struggling, please put some thought into how she will find out. I recommend an email, so she has time to process the information in case she's having a particularly bad day. Your infertile friend is TRULY happy for you, but hearing about another person's pregnancy also reminds her of what she doesn't have. Whatever you do, do NOT let her A. find out from someone else, B. find out on facebook or C. find out it was an "accident". If you know someone who is struggling with infertility, just let them know you are there for them. Ask if they want to talk about it or don't want to talk about it. If they seem up for talking, ask questions about the procedures they are going through so you better understand what is involved. Don't be offended if they don't want to participate in baby showers and outings with children. Sometimes this is too hard. Follow their lead in terms of talking about your own pregnancy/children, etc. If they ask questions, they are probably okay with talking about it, but if not, they may not be in a place that they can talk about it without feeling sad and left out. If your friend seems to lose touch a little bit, don't be offended. She may be having a hard time emotionally and is just trying to keep it to herself. Infertility takes a huge toll on a person and a couple. Treatments are expensive, invasive and can cause many side effects, like crankiness, bitchiness, exhaustion, headaches, etc. The whole thing is an emotional rollercoaster. Remind your friend that you are there when she wants to talk, drink, not talk, whatever. Let her know you are sorry she has to go through this and you are hoping for her too.
Wednesday, July 29, 2009
I'm thinking about posting this on my facebook notes, but I'm not sure. I don't want to sound too angry or annoyed or anything, just trying to provide some information for others. I'm also wondering if I should pretend I didn't write it and copied it from somewhere else (with permission of course) Please let me know what you think. Edits welcome as well.
Posted by C at 6:13 PM
Tuesday, July 28, 2009
Thursday, July 23, 2009
mr. and i had to go to new jersey this past weekend for his dad's wife's birthday. it happened to coincide with our one year anniversary. i figured we would celebrate another time, go out to a nice dinner or something. my father in law used his points or whatever and put us up in a hotel, which was very nice of him. we checked in late after visiting with FIL and other family for dinner at his house. as soon as we checked in, i went to the bathroom. when i came out, there was a bottle of champagne on the bed with 2 champagne flutes, a sweet card and a jewelry store bag!! what a sweet surprise! mr. got me the wedding cake charm for my Pandora bracelet. it was such an unexpected surprise! of course i felt like a shmuck because i hadn't even brought a card for him, but it was so sweet. he's a keeper, that one.
Posted by C at 6:11 AM
Wednesday, July 15, 2009
it's been a while since my last post. nothing too much to report. as much as i did not want to take a break, it's actually been kind of nice. i don't think i realized how much all the meds and stress of daily appointments, etc. was taking a toll on me. i've actually felt normal lately!
since i had a little break from treatment and had no doctor-imposed restrictions on my exercise, i went back to my trainer and have been boxing with him 3 days a week. he is KICKING MY ASS! every muscle in my body aches, i make sound from the pain anytime i get up from sitting or go up the stairs, and it feels great! although, i am so sore today i don't know how i'm going to handle the ass-kicking this afternoon.
this weekend, mr. and i celebrate our first year of marriage :) the time flew by and we are even more in love than we were on that day. he truly is my best friend and i can't imagine a life without him. unfortunately we will be "celebrating" while in new jersey for his stepmother's 60th birthday party- that we received an email about, saying,"we'd like the weekend to be stress free, but please wear khaki pants and a white top so we all look nice in photos." yea, enough said. at least we got a hotel room so we can escape the madness when we need to!
my meds for the thaw cycle came in the mail. just estrace pills and progesterone in oil shots. i'm still waiting for flo to arrive, but i actually do think i ovulated this month so it should come on time around the 25th. we'll see...
Posted by C at 10:32 AM
Wednesday, July 8, 2009
thanks for putting up with my jealous and bratty last post. if you commented, or are interested, i posted some follow up thoughts in the comments of that post. you ladies always "see" me at my worst. every emotion and feeling gets written out in this blog, and rarely in real life. so thanks.
as much as i didn't want to take a break this month, it's actually okay. i don't think i realized how much i was affected by all the hormones and stuff. i actually feel normal! on the drugs, i was exhausted and irritated and b!tchy. it's been nice to be able to go out for drinks with friends and get things accomplished around the house. and be pleasant to my husband.
mr.m is CONVINCED we can get pregnant on our own. (and if i was cool i could link to an older post about that, but i still can't figure out how to do that...damn) he has me peeing on OPK's and doing the deed every other day. i am playing along, even though i know there is no way we will get pregnant on our own. he actually falls for all those stories everyone tells him about a "friend they know". whatever, i am actually in a good mood, so i'm enjoying all the se.x. i am also hoping aunt flo will show up right on time so we can get moving on this thaw cycle.
speaking of which, remember way back when, when i used to be all hopeful and optimistic? (again, sorry i can't link) well, i'm bringing hopeful back. (sing it like justin) last cycle i tried to remain neutral, and i did. and it didn't help at all. the negative hit me harder than any other try. so this time, i'm making it like i'm going to the superbowl! i'm excited and i'm going to stay that way. i'm surrounding myself with positive optimism.
i may fall on my face in the end, but i know i'll have you girls to pick me back up.
Posted by C at 5:42 AM
Monday, July 6, 2009
i do not have a sister. i have two big brothers who were older than me in age enough that we didn't really form a relationship until we were adults. i do however have many close girlfriends. unfortunately, those girlfriends DO have sisters, but anyway... i feel like they are the closest things i have to ever knowing what it's like to have a sister.
flashback to a few years ago at my 10 year high school reunion... me and two of said close friends, we'll call them Julia and Alleni. we are all chatting about plans for our future. we talk about when we will start trying to have kids. (they were already married, i was getting married the next summer) neither of them are ready, but i know i will be trying right away after i get married. we talk and laugh about how much fun it would be if they tried at the same time and we could all be pregnant together and our kids will be the same age and wouldn't it be so great....
shortly after i start trying, they tell me they aren't trying, but they aren't trying not to. months go by and they start asking me when to try, what they are doing wrong. i give them a few tips and mention OPK's, but they "don't want it to be a science experiment." some more months go by and i start to guess that one of them is pregnant, Alleni, my best friend, finally tells me at 8 weeks. i am a little hurt she waited so long, since if i hadn't been going through all this infertility crap she would have told me after she peed on a stick, quite possibly before she told her husband for that matter. instead, she waited until she was about to see me and knew her family might slip and sent me an email.
over the weekend, Julia told me she's having a baby. she's due 2 weeks after Alleni. she just told me, at 13 weeks.
i feel sad. i feel left out. i feel hurt that because of my infertility neither of them told me right away. both of these friends are friends who would have normally told me right away. instead, especially with Julia, i mean 13 weeks!! come on!! she is already showing, everyone knows and i feel like she was purposefully avoiding me and keeping it from me. in the meantime, the two of them have been talking and sharing in their pregnancy bliss together. they are expecting babies within 2 weeks of each other. they have each known about the other since Alleni told me at 8 weeks.
i'm happy for my friends, i really am. i'm happy they don't have to go through what i am going through. but i also feel like, they aren't calling and hanging out and whatever because they don't know what to say, or how to be. i've always wanted to know what it was like to have a sister. i felt like being pregnant at the same time as one or both of these friends would have given me that sense. instead, they are sharing in it together and i'm still f*cking barren.
when is it my turn?
Posted by C at 5:49 AM