i used to workout and box with a trainer, and i always trusted my body to stay strong and grow stronger. i trusted it to tell me when i'd reached my limits. i trusted the warm cramping feeling that told me AF was on her way. i trusted my body to tell me when i was sick or needed a break. i trusted it to tell me when i was hungry or tired.
but now, i've lost that trust. i should be able to sit back and know that my body will keep my babies safe. that the food i'm eating will help them grow in all the right ways. i should trust that my uterus will expand and grow and properly contain them and cushion them from the outside world. i used to always think i would ultimately trust my body to deliver my baby-free of medications and forceps and scalpels.
the trust i previously had in my body has transformed in something else. trust in doctors and procedures and machines. now i look to the u/s machine and the doppler to tell me that my babies are okay. i look to doctors to tell me what my body and my babies need. and in my future, i may even have to resort to letting a doctor cut these babies out of me.
i miss the trusting relationship my body and i used to have. i miss being able to trust in my instincts, and trust my body to tell me when something was wrong. will i ever get that back?