is anybody still out there?

hi!

i know, i know 5 months have gone by

you've forgotten all about me

( i haven't forgotten about you, i've been reading and checking in

some of you are pregnant (yay!) have had babies (yay!) decided to pursue adoption (yay!) and all sorts of other things)

anyway, for the update

my girls are 5 months old today. i know it is a total cliche, but man oh man how the time flies. when did they get so big? and funny! they are funny! they "ha ha ha" and fake cough to get attention. they giggle and smile (i am a riot, it seems) and mouth things (and each other for that matter) they are beautiful and adorable and i am still in awe every day that they are mine.

this has been the hardest and most rewarding 5 months of my life. the first 4 weeks were a total crazy blur of non sleeping, pumping, crying craziness. week after week got a little easier. i worked really hard with lactation people and my girls to breastfeed them both (one refused to latch and lost too much weight) and it is finally working for us great now. one had a health scare and was hospitalized and poked and stuck with needles and IV's, but now we are in the clear and everyone is healthy. my marriage has been tested as having two babies is hard and being tired and breastfeeding makes physical intimacy painful and low on the list, but we are making small moments for each other and are even planning a dinner out sans babies soon (our first). the girls are learning how to sleep and are giving me glimpses of sanity with 4 or 5 hour stretches occasionally (not both at once of course but anything is better than every 3 hours an hour apart from each other which is our current schedule). someday i'll sleep again i'm sure.

going through everything i did to get here was horrible. i hated what a bitter, angry, negative person i was. i can now say though that i'm grateful for my journey because it led me here, to these two incredible souls that i get to love and care for and watch grow. motherhood has made me realize that i am a truly positive person. i embrace each moment no matter how challenging and am thankful for what i have and where my journey is taking me. i had always been a worrier, and of course i still worry and fear for my children's safety, but i try not to focus so much on the negative. i am truly trying not to take what i have for granted and enjoy every moment. i'm not sure i would have this attitude if it hadn't been such a trying road to get here.

anyway, that's where i am. enjoying my babies and the incredible gift i have been given. i pray for those of you who have had to endure horrible and unthinkable tragedy and loss. i hope for all of you who are at the edge of losing hope, that someday your journey leads you to a wonderful and joyful place. i am grateful to all of you who share the stories of your lives and for having this platform to tell mine when i felt so lost and alone.