it's a new dawn, it's a new day

20 Years ago....

1. I was in third grade

2. I got kicked out of class for laughing uncontrollably

3. I hated to take baths

4. I had long brown hair

5. I had good friends

10 Years ago...

1. I was in college

2. I was skinny 

3. I had long brown hair

4. I had good friends

5. I loved to laugh and create and be silly

Last Year....

1. I got married!!

2. I donated 11 inches of my hair to Locks of Love

3. I visited 2 other countries

4. I had good friends

5. I felt I had a path to follow

Today....

1. I was snowed in

2. I read 100 pages of a new book

3. I sat by the fire 

4. I talked to and laughed with some friends

5. I snuggled with my puppy

In the next year....

1. I hope my marriage continues to thrive

2. I hope to get pregnant with my first child

3. I hope to express my feelings more

4. I hope to live a healthy life

5. I hope my friends and family continue to support and surround me

10 Years from now....

1. I hope I am a good mother

2. I hope my husband and I continue to hold hands and tongue kiss

3. I hope I'm laughing with my old friends while we watch our kids play

4. I hope I am learning something new

5. I hope I am a better person than I am today

Happy New Year!

sad today

i sometimes wish i was the type of person that drank scotch on the rocks, or whiskey.  i don't know why.  there is just something about it.  mr.m drinks jameson on the rocks sometimes.  i think it's sexy.  

hmmm

i feel a little off lately.  ever since the doctor told me i'm not ovulating and i need some help to have a baby.  i feel like i shut down a little.  i'm very open with people about it, and i know that plenty of people are worse off than me, but when you find out something like that, you don't think of other people, or at least i don't.  i've been drinking a little more and going into my head more than usual.  i hope i can have a baby without too many interventions, but i have been feeling lately like i don't deserve it.  maybe i don't eat healthy enough, maybe i'm not working out enough.  maybe i cut one too many people off on the highway and karma is getting me back.  mr.m is very "au natural" and is a little suspicious of testing and medicating in order to have a family, which also doesn't help.  in a way, i've always sort of suspected that i might need some help getting pregnant, but at the same time,i hoped i wouldn't.  any time things are going well, i hold my breath waiting for the shit to start flying.  i feel like life balances itself out and i'm never quite sure i'm dealing with my fair share of the shit stick.  maybe that is why i sometimes thrive on misery.  i wallow in my sadness and accept it for what it is.  i feel like it is my duty.  i also feel like i wouldn't be myself without it.  many doctors have told me life doesn't have to be so hard, but i feel like my sadness is a part of me.  i don't want to abandon it, as much as i hate it sometimes. 

why me?

not sure why i'm even writing here, or if anyone will ever read it, but here goes.  i am almost 30 and have been trying to have a baby with my hubby, mr.m.  i also own a small daycare and work with kids all day.  it's what i do.  and i love it!  i feel like myself with kids.  they bring out the best in me.  i feel like i went to school for early childhood so i could be a good mom.  it's all i've ever imagined for myself, and now that i finally found my sweetheart, it's proving to not be as easy as i thought.  all those years of wasted stress and money on trying NOT to get knocked up!

i am silly and creative and sometimes a little emotional.  (okay, maybe a little more than a little) i love to take pictures and sew and create.  sometimes i'm quiet and sad.  i like to eat cinnamon toast and take naps.  

i live by the sea and i can't imagine life any other way.  i hear and smell and see the ocean and it makes me feel at peace and alive.  i like to walk the beach with mr.m and my Purple puppy and collect seaglass and "lucky" rocks.