Monday, December 8, 2008
i feel a little off lately. ever since the doctor told me i'm not ovulating and i need some help to have a baby. i feel like i shut down a little. i'm very open with people about it, and i know that plenty of people are worse off than me, but when you find out something like that, you don't think of other people, or at least i don't. i've been drinking a little more and going into my head more than usual. i hope i can have a baby without too many interventions, but i have been feeling lately like i don't deserve it. maybe i don't eat healthy enough, maybe i'm not working out enough. maybe i cut one too many people off on the highway and karma is getting me back. mr.m is very "au natural" and is a little suspicious of testing and medicating in order to have a family, which also doesn't help. in a way, i've always sort of suspected that i might need some help getting pregnant, but at the same time,i hoped i wouldn't. any time things are going well, i hold my breath waiting for the shit to start flying. i feel like life balances itself out and i'm never quite sure i'm dealing with my fair share of the shit stick. maybe that is why i sometimes thrive on misery. i wallow in my sadness and accept it for what it is. i feel like it is my duty. i also feel like i wouldn't be myself without it. many doctors have told me life doesn't have to be so hard, but i feel like my sadness is a part of me. i don't want to abandon it, as much as i hate it sometimes.