Monday, December 8, 2008

hmmm

i feel a little off lately.  ever since the doctor told me i'm not ovulating and i need some help to have a baby.  i feel like i shut down a little.  i'm very open with people about it, and i know that plenty of people are worse off than me, but when you find out something like that, you don't think of other people, or at least i don't.  i've been drinking a little more and going into my head more than usual.  i hope i can have a baby without too many interventions, but i have been feeling lately like i don't deserve it.  maybe i don't eat healthy enough, maybe i'm not working out enough.  maybe i cut one too many people off on the highway and karma is getting me back.  mr.m is very "au natural" and is a little suspicious of testing and medicating in order to have a family, which also doesn't help.  in a way, i've always sort of suspected that i might need some help getting pregnant, but at the same time,i hoped i wouldn't.  any time things are going well, i hold my breath waiting for the shit to start flying.  i feel like life balances itself out and i'm never quite sure i'm dealing with my fair share of the shit stick.  maybe that is why i sometimes thrive on misery.  i wallow in my sadness and accept it for what it is.  i feel like it is my duty.  i also feel like i wouldn't be myself without it.  many doctors have told me life doesn't have to be so hard, but i feel like my sadness is a part of me.  i don't want to abandon it, as much as i hate it sometimes.