ectopic and mtx

it's official. it is an ectopic in my left tube. i followed that news up with 2 shots of methotrexate (finally learned how to spell that one) in the ass.

it sucks. if i think too much about it, i get sad, but i'm doing a little better. to be honest, if we were going to lose the pregnancy, there is some relief of losing it so early. i was already attached, but i'm sure the longer someone was growing inside of me, the more heartbreaking this would have been.

so now we wait. bloodwork on monday and thursday next week to check that my hcg levels are dropping appropriately. they will tell me on thursday if i'll need another shot of mtx as well.

i hope everything goes as it should. it seems my body is already dropping the hcg level on it's own, so at least it's doing something right. the doctor wants me to wait 2 months before starting another cycle. i am hoping i am able to squeeze one in before the end of the year.

i think the waiting in between cycles is the hardest part. i'm frustrated that in the 11 months we've been working with the RE, we have only had 3 chances. at least if you are cycling, you are doing something that may finally help you reach your goal. it feels constructive. jumping right in and trying again seems like the easiest way for my heart to heal, but i realize it's my body that may need more time.

please body, do what you are supposed to do.

dropping betas

so they ended up checking my hcg level on monday with the labs they had to run for the methodextrate shot and it had dropped to 2690.

they checked it again today and it was 1700.

i guess that's a good thing? i mean, not that the pregnancy isn't viable, that's no fun, but that my body is doing what it needs to do i guess.

tomorrow i have a level 3 u/s to figure out where the embryos are. i guess the course of treatment may depend on if they are in the uterus or in the tube, although they are assuming the are in the tube. we'll see.

thanks

i am overwhelmed by all the comments and support.

i am still feeling crushed and devastated, but i am so thankful i have a blogland support system of women who really get it. i know some of you have been through much worse, but i appreciate that people really care about what is your own worst (so far).

thank you ladies, truly. i know i will get through this with your help.

i promise eventually i will visit and comment back to all of you, but these days i am a little scared of searching new blogs and finding good news. i'll be ready soon, i'm sure.

crushed

we had our ultrasound yesterday.

i was nervous, excited, terrified.

but in the back of my mind, i really thought things were going to be okay. i thought the biggest shock we could get would be if one of the embryos split and we were have 3.

i was wrong.

my uterus is empty. they saw nothing. nothing at all. not a hint of anything.

they sent us to the infertile waiting room to wait for the doctor. i was frozen, begging the tears to wait.

we sit down and the doctor says, "we don't know what's going on" we are presuming it is ectopic, but there is a chance that it is twins and it is too early to see them. he said, "we all thought it was twins, we were all so happy for you"

i have to go into the big city for a level 3 u/s by a physician on friday. just to double check that there is no one growing in there. from there, i go to my doctor for a shot of methodextrate(?) or whatever it's called. they've already run the labs and given me the consent forms for it.

i am crushed. i am beyond sad. i don't know how i'm going to make it through these days without bursting into tears constantly.

i kept waking up in the middle of the night crying. crying for the unfairness of it all. crying for the embryos that may be growing, that i will have to "dissolve" because they picked the wrong spot to burrow in. crying because i just want a baby, and i'm not 15, or a crack addict, and it doesn't seem like too much to ask.

is this really happening?

i'm still in shock

and i'm freaking out a little.

i told my best friend and my parents, but that's it.

only one more week to wait and see

if everything is okay

and "count the yolk sacks" as my nurse said.

holy sh!t

holy sh!t!!

it is 11dp5dt

and the beta is in.

it's 3000 !!!

holy sh!t.

i'm f*ckin knocked up!

the nurse told me there is no need to repeat the beta, and that is very high so i should not be shocked if there is more than one in there. we have our u/s scheduled for 9/21

holy sh!t

friday

tomorrow is the big beta day! i've never been so anxious/excited to get my blood drawn.

i am hoping and hoping for good numbers.

i still can't believe i might actually be pregnant. mr. keeps making me pee on sticks just to "make sure it's still in there" (he obviously doesn't know that even if "it" wasn't "still in there" as he likes to say, my hcg would still be raised, but it makes him feel better, so what the hell)

thank you all so much for your kind words and support. i know for some of you it is really hard to see a fellow infertile cross over to the other side. i've been there too. i hope the success stories remind you that you too will get there. and i hope it happens soon.

i hope my positive feelings aren't going to come crashing down on me. i'm wary of being too hopeful or excited, but it's hard not to feel some happiness in 2 lines. i will update my results tomorrow as soon as i get them...

8dp5dt

this post is different from the one i thought i was going to write.

over the last few days, i have been very tired. i've felt a little off, a little blah. the warmness and twinges in my uterus seemed to be turning into more like period cramps.

last night, as i laid in bed, i started writing out a post for today in my head, how i feared that my hope was waning, that these twinges and weird feelings in my abdomen were my body trying to have a period, but progesterone was keeping it from coming.

and then, the dog got me out of bed early. against all better reason, when i went to the bathroom, i decided to check out my first morning urine on a pee stick.

and whaddaya know. two lines appeared.

i have NEVER seen 2 lines. not on a HCG test, nor an LH test. never. and this was not a "hold it up to the light at a certain angle squinting" sort of 2 lines.

this was

TWO DARK INSTANT LINES!!!!!!!!!

so what did i do? i called the nurse who said she is very surprised i got a BFP this early and she'll let me come in on friday for a beta.

and then i went and bought the mother of all pregnancy tests, the DIGITAL.

and i saw the most beautiful sight i've ever seen....

(the monkey is something mr and i hide for each other around the house. it was the first valentine's gift he ever gave me. this monkey is waiting at mr.'s desk for when he gets home :)

now, i know it is early, and i still need to have a bloodtest to confirm and all that, but for today, i am feeling good, and full of hope.

they are in there!

everything went smoothly with the transfer. i have 2 early blasts safely nestled in my uterus. hopefully they are finding the accommodations quite comfy and have decided to burrow in.

2 of our 3 frozen embies survived the thaw, which is perfect since we wanted to put 2 in. i'm a little relieved that one didn't make it since i'm not sure what our insurance would make us do. as it is, they count FET's the same as IVF's and made us use of frozen embryos before they would approve a fresh cycle. we max out at 6 for a lifetime, so it's good to know next time (hopefully not for a few years...) we can do a fresh cycle.

i'm feeling good and positive. i relaxed for most of monday and tuesday, as mr. was home taking care of me :)

they are making me wait SO long for my beta. it's not until the 14th! (which is 14dp5dt) last time they had me do a beta at 10dp5dt. i'm certain i will have to POAS before that!