crushed

we had our ultrasound yesterday.

i was nervous, excited, terrified.

but in the back of my mind, i really thought things were going to be okay. i thought the biggest shock we could get would be if one of the embryos split and we were have 3.

i was wrong.

my uterus is empty. they saw nothing. nothing at all. not a hint of anything.

they sent us to the infertile waiting room to wait for the doctor. i was frozen, begging the tears to wait.

we sit down and the doctor says, "we don't know what's going on" we are presuming it is ectopic, but there is a chance that it is twins and it is too early to see them. he said, "we all thought it was twins, we were all so happy for you"

i have to go into the big city for a level 3 u/s by a physician on friday. just to double check that there is no one growing in there. from there, i go to my doctor for a shot of methodextrate(?) or whatever it's called. they've already run the labs and given me the consent forms for it.

i am crushed. i am beyond sad. i don't know how i'm going to make it through these days without bursting into tears constantly.

i kept waking up in the middle of the night crying. crying for the unfairness of it all. crying for the embryos that may be growing, that i will have to "dissolve" because they picked the wrong spot to burrow in. crying because i just want a baby, and i'm not 15, or a crack addict, and it doesn't seem like too much to ask.