Tuesday, September 22, 2009

crushed

we had our ultrasound yesterday.

i was nervous, excited, terrified.

but in the back of my mind, i really thought things were going to be okay. i thought the biggest shock we could get would be if one of the embryos split and we were have 3.

i was wrong.

my uterus is empty. they saw nothing. nothing at all. not a hint of anything.

they sent us to the infertile waiting room to wait for the doctor. i was frozen, begging the tears to wait.

we sit down and the doctor says, "we don't know what's going on" we are presuming it is ectopic, but there is a chance that it is twins and it is too early to see them. he said, "we all thought it was twins, we were all so happy for you"

i have to go into the big city for a level 3 u/s by a physician on friday. just to double check that there is no one growing in there. from there, i go to my doctor for a shot of methodextrate(?) or whatever it's called. they've already run the labs and given me the consent forms for it.

i am crushed. i am beyond sad. i don't know how i'm going to make it through these days without bursting into tears constantly.

i kept waking up in the middle of the night crying. crying for the unfairness of it all. crying for the embryos that may be growing, that i will have to "dissolve" because they picked the wrong spot to burrow in. crying because i just want a baby, and i'm not 15, or a crack addict, and it doesn't seem like too much to ask.

36 comments:

Just me said...

Oh God, girl. I know how you feel. Your last sentence is exactly what has been running through my head for the last eighteen or so hours.

{{{hugs}}} for both of us. :(

JB said...

So, so, so sorry this is happening to you. Thinking of you.

Hillary said...

Oh, no! I am so, so sorry. That is devastating, and there are no words....but I am thinking of you, sweetie.

makingmemom.blogspot.com

sunflowerchilde said...

Oh, no, I'm so very very sorry. This has to be so hard for you, I wish I could reach through the computer and make you feel better, although I'm sure nothing will help right now. My thoughts are with you.

Hopeful for a Baby said...

Oh it's so hard to get your hopes up and then nothing..... I'm sorry to hear your news, I've been following over the last couple of weeks since I started my blog. I love to hear when others have something to celebrate. Hang in there and know you can try again!
I agree with the last sentence too....why why why? When I have a nice home, lots of love to give, a great husband who would make a great father, financially stable, etc. It's SO NOT fair!!

Jendeis said...

I am so, so sorry. Thinking of you.

Beautiful Mess said...

OH NO! Sweetie, I am so sorry! You're in my thoughts and I'm holding you so close to my heart.
*HUGS*

Alexicographer said...

Here from LFCA. I had seen your beta post and was hoping to see wonderful news today and am so so sorry that you are instead hearing what you are. I'm sure you will draw on reserves of strength that perhaps you didn't even know you have, but I'm sorry you need to learn of them at all.

Lin said...

So very sorry. No adequate words...just (((HUGS)))

twoweekwaiting said...

I'm sorry- this is crushing news. you are in my thoughts.

Here from LFCA

wifey said...

How awful. It is just so unfair, so unjust.

One Who Understands said...

(((HUGS)))

Life is so unfair! After all we go through to become pregnant... I am so sorry.

Mary said...

No, no, no. This isn't supposed to happen to you. My God. I'm so sorry sweetie.

Melody said...

Here from LCFA. Just sending you much love. How terrible.

NoodleGirl said...

I am so, so, so sorry. I had a similar awful shock 2 weeks ago and had to go sit in the OBGYN's waiting room with the giant pregnant ladies after the ultrasound, with tears streaming down my face. It just isn't fair.

I am praying for you that maybe it was just too early. If not, my deep condolences to you. The emotional roller-coaster of being on the highest of highs to the lowest of lows is almost too much to bear sometimes. Many P&PTs.

Michele said...

From LFCA... I am so sorry. My heart just breaks for you. The last few years have been so hard for us because I've had those same thoughts, that I'm a good person, a healthy person, and yet I cant get pregnant on my own and cant carry to viability without a great deal of help and, at this point, cant carry to term. Yet, I have people in my own family that drink and smoke during pregnancy and their babies are fine. It hurts. I know you are hurting. Sending you hugs...

babyinterrupted said...

Oh, I'm so, so sorry. I'll be thinking of you lots. Peace, friend. Hearts breaking for you.

Banana Pancakes said...

I am just heartbroken for you.... this isn't fair. Praying for some relief and comfort for you and your husband. ****hugs****

hope4joy said...

I am so sorry that this happended to you. It is unfair and not right. Thinking of you and your hubby.

Amanda said...

Oh, no! I'm sorry, what awful news after such promising bloodwork. I can't imagine how heart breaking this must be. I'm so sorry.

meinsideout said...

I am so sorry.

jezzafuji said...

Oh god, I'm so sorry that I prattled on in my comment to your last post. Everything about this sh*tty process is so desperately unfair.

I am willing for there to be a positive outcome. If your worst fears are confirmed, I'm hoping beyond all hope that the blood results at least are proof that it can - and indeed ultimately should - work. Remember that with this horrendous, nightmarish pain that we put ourselves through, it *is* a matter of time, and most of all, hope. Keep believing, and I hope that your love for each other provides the comfort and strength to be positive. Sending you warmest wishes from the UK. x

Megan said...

I am so so sorry. There is nothing worse. Thinking of you.

Leah said...

I'm so, so sorry.

Natalie said...

Here from LFCA - I am so sorry. I had an ectopic earlier this year. I don't really have the right words to describe how awful it was. I'm sorry again for your loss. It's just not fair that those who struggle so much must still suffer more.

tireegal68 said...

I am here from LFCA. I am so sorry that your hopes are being dashed and you are having to deal with this horrible outcome. My heart goes out to you. I send hope for strength and healing to you. (((BIG HUGS)))

Baby Smiling In Back Seat said...

I'm so sorry. Holding out hope for the too early possibility.

Take care.

Kate said...

Here from LCFA. That is so so awful. I am absolutely devastated for you. Thinking of you as you go through whatever happens next.....

The Unproductive One said...

Fuck. I'm so very sorry. Your last sentence is so well written and it's a question I've asked myself several times over.

I'm praying that a miracle occurs come Friday and you have happy news to post.

xxxx

WiseGuy said...

Dear C,

Even though a part of me is thinking of miracles, I am not too sure whether it would be right of me to.

You are so correct...this is beyond sad. How many trials by fire are left to be faced?

Am so sorry. So sorry for you, and your hubby and your embabies.

Hugs.

Pundelina said...

Oh C that's awful news. I'm so terribly sorry.

((hugs))

(from LFCA)

Heidi said...

all my love. I am so sorry.

Busted Tube said...

Thinking of you and sending you my wishes for healing and hope. I'm so sorry you're going through this.

Gabby said...

oh sweetie, i am so so sorry. i cannot beleive that you have to go through this heartache. and waiting in the wiating room, goign to another doctor, and the shot on top of it all. may you find some comfort in this tough time. so so sorry.

Fran said...

I read your post and I just had to leave you a message. I have been there too. Twice. I really hope for you it was just too early, but in case it wasn't I'm here for you, feel free to drop me an email if you want to talk. Much love, Fran

Kathy said...

I'm so sorry. I am going through the exact same thing right now -- u/s yesterday after an unexpected positive HPT, nothing in the uterus, possibly implanted on my ovary of all places. I hate this waiting game. Seriously, the first time we have become pregnant w/o medical assistance in 5 years, and it is probably ectopic? Sigh. Hang in there.