it should have been me

i've been feeling a little extra down about my infertility lately. and yet another pregnancy announcement kicked me even further down. now, i truly am happy for this person. she tried for a year with some clomid thrown at her a few times from her ob and finally got a referral for an RE. she just got pregnant on her first IUI. i'm happy she didn't have to go further down the IF path, but seriously, first IUI, it does sting a bit. or maybe i'm just a selfish brat.

anyway, the thing that bothers me the most is her due date. let me fill you in on a little crazy thing that makes me feel well, crazy, and jealous and weirded out a bit.

if my first treatment cycle had worked, (an IUI) my due date would have been Dec 24th

my best friend is due on Dec 24th

if my first IVF cycle had worked, my due date would have been Mar 3rd

my across the street neighbor is due Mar 3rd

if this last cycle had not been lost because it was ectopic, i would have been due May 18th

the latest announcement girl (a friend) is due May 18th

are you effing kidding me?!? it's like a taunt, at what i don't have.

i would have been 12 weeks around now. mr. and i had talked about showing up at our friends' Halloween party and i would just go in barefoot and when people asked me what i was, i would say, "barefoot and pregnant".

instead, i will most likely be drinking away my misery. so, to all of you who are frustrated, jealous, angry, broken, sad, pissed off, and still not fucking pregnant-cheers! i'm drinking to you

random thoughts about blogging

when i sit down to blog, i type away. my thoughts spew out of my head and onto the screen. although sometimes i've thought about what i was going to say, i never quite know how it's all going to come out until it does. as soon as i finish typing, i publish. i don't reread and obsess about how it all sounds, or if i've offended anyone, or any of that. sometimes i think twice about writing certain things because i'm afraid someone out in blogland will take offense, but i think i should just write what i want to write because it's my space. so i do. sometimes i am impatient and let it all spew out without giving all the thoughts and background that i feel i should.

some of the blogs i read are so well thought out, and seem to cover all the bases of the topic at hand. most of you are much better writers than i, and some of you spell things wrong and it drives me crazy ;)

so tell me, what is your blogging style? do you edit, review, reread?do you let things sit in the draft folder for a few days? hold back for fear of coming across in the wrong way? i'm curious...

changing moods

i haven't been writing, or reading much lately. i've been in a kind of blah mood. i've been keeping myself busy doing things for the renovations going on at our house and sewing (ironically, sewing a baby quilt for a friend, but anyways)

over the past few weeks we've been having bad luck. first, mr.'s car was in the shop 2 weeks in a row which got us for about $1200. shit. a few days later, my car started acting up and needs $1000 worth of work. double shit. the light i picked out and splurged on and spent lots of time convincing mr. on for our new front porch didn't work because the storm door hits it. damn. our ikea furniture we bought and put together didn't fit where we need it to. dammit.

just little things, adding up, small annoyances keeping me in my grumpy mood.

and then, i got the call back from the nurse about my hcg levels today. it was 6 and it has to be under 5, so i have to go back next week. crap. i was feeling particularly frustrated and started explaining my annoyances with our IF journey so far. i told her i've played by the RE's rules for a year and i've only had 3 cycles and now i want to do it my way. i told her it was ridiculous to wait until mid december when all the research says you need 2 months from the methotrexate shot and that will be in november for me. plus there will be 3 weeks of BCP, so it will really be almost 3 months. i told her we didn't want to have to repeat all of our testing (which expires in december) and miss a family vacation in january all because our RE is being extra conservative. she said RE is away and she will plead my case to him after my bloodwork next week shows my hcg under 5. dang.

and then she called me back. she said "your sob story worked. he's letting you start."

what?!?

my BCP are called in to the pharmacy. we are just waiting on AF to get started.

big smile.

i am so relieved. i can feel the clouds lifting already.

lost

i seem to have fallen right off the face of blogland. i haven't been writing or reading at all. probably due to a few things, taking a step away from infertility, nothing much to say, and construction craziness that is going on at my house which leaves my computer out of the way. i can really only use it on my bed right now because our living room is all torn up, so i haven't been on very much. so, i'm trying to catch up on all of your news.

so far, my hcg levels have been steadily dropping. last week it was 300 or so, and i have another check tomorrow. i talked to the nurse about getting insurance approval for our next cycle and fitting one in before the end of december and she was all about it. then she called back and said the doc wants me to wait until mid december to start a new cycle. which would ruin our trip to disney with my whole fam in january. we also found out that all of our testing expires in december, so if we wait until then, we have to repeat all our labs, SA and do a sonohystogram. damn. i'm waiting to see what my hcg is tomorrow and then i want to fight to start mid november instead (this will still give is 2 months off from the mtx shot)

bleeding and baby showers

i finally started bleeding on tuesday. it was like the worst period of my life, including the worst cramps of my life. they actually stopped me in my tracks a few times. it's funny, i actually at one point thought, damn, if i can't handle these cramps how the f*ck am i going to ever handle contractions? i went in for bloodwork this morning and my hcg is down to 747. looks like i won't need another shot of mtx. woo hoo!

during the midst of all of this, i had to make a diaper cake last night for my best friend's baby shower which is this weekend. there will be at least 3 other pregnant friends there, as well and a few new babies. i don't know how i'm going to react. the good thing is, my best friend is really supportive and already sent me an email saying essentially that she has no idea what to say to me and she is thinking about me non stop and she can't believe how supportive i've been of her while going through my own issues with infertility and if i can't go, or stay at her shower she will totally understand. just knowing that is making the idea of being there a little easier. i really want to be there to support her and give her her special day, but i'm not sure how i'll feel once i'm in a room surrounded by pregnant people, babies and baby things and lots of pregnancy and baby talk. the thought of it makes me want to throw up a little. and i can't even drink a few mimosas to take the edge off. dang!