what IF stole from me

as i lay in bed this morning, wondering how surf and turf were doing, secretly wishing i was married to tom crui.se if for no other reason than to have an u/s machine in my home, i was thinking of what IF has taken from me. TRUST. trust in my own body.

i used to workout and box with a trainer, and i always trusted my body to stay strong and grow stronger. i trusted it to tell me when i'd reached my limits. i trusted the warm cramping feeling that told me AF was on her way. i trusted my body to tell me when i was sick or needed a break. i trusted it to tell me when i was hungry or tired.

but now, i've lost that trust. i should be able to sit back and know that my body will keep my babies safe. that the food i'm eating will help them grow in all the right ways. i should trust that my uterus will expand and grow and properly contain them and cushion them from the outside world. i used to always think i would ultimately trust my body to deliver my baby-free of medications and forceps and scalpels.

the trust i previously had in my body has transformed in something else. trust in doctors and procedures and machines. now i look to the u/s machine and the doppler to tell me that my babies are okay. i look to doctors to tell me what my body and my babies need. and in my future, i may even have to resort to letting a doctor cut these babies out of me.

i miss the trusting relationship my body and i used to have. i miss being able to trust in my instincts, and trust my body to tell me when something was wrong. will i ever get that back?

excitement

this weekend seems to have been a turning point for me.

i am starting to feel really excited about this pregnancy, as opposed to the anxious, cautious hopefulness i felt before.

i can't wait to tell people! i can't wait to register and build cribs and sew curtains and decorate and get a big belly.

next wednesday is our first meeting with the MFM (maternal fetal medicine specialist) and we will get another u/s, so we have decided if all goes well with that we will spread the news. i will be 12w3d. (even though i've lost 13 pounds, my belly is totally popping and i will not be able to hide it much longer anyways)

i am finally hungry, although still very picky about what i eat. all i seem to want is hamburgers, peanut butter and jelly and honey nut cheerios. i'm trying to sneak in as many fruits and veggies as i can to balance that all out, although my doctor did give me free reign to "eat to my cravings." i am still totally exhausted. it may be related to the never ending cold i've had for over 2 weeks that turned into a sinus infection, but i think it is also pregnancy related. i am so lazy and i'm driving myself crazy because i have a lot of things i need to be doing and just can't seem to make them happen. i'm hoping what they say is true and that as i enter my second trimester (!!) in just a few short weeks i will regain my energy. i've got a lot to do before i get all big and uncomfortable!

it's all good

all is well with surf and turf :) my mind is at ease for the time being (until a few days before my next appointment probably)

she dopplered my belly (only one doppler) she was able to find one heartbeat loud and clear running about 160, but the other one kept moving around so she wasn't able to hear it long enough to measure. that was probably baby B since that was the one doing somersaults at the last u/s. it seemed she found them in different spots, so i didn't feel like it was the same baby we were hearing.

the doctor seemed unenthused. she seemed to be rushing me out of there. they also don't seem to agree with other things i've read about the importance of weight gain in early pregnancy for twins, which concerns me a little. she acted as if they don't want me gaining much more than i would with a singleton, whereas much of the stuff i've been reading recommends 20 pounds by 20 weeks and a pound a week from there at least. any one else who has had or has a twin pregnancy have any input on what their doc says?

OB appointment today

why do i get so anxious whenever i have an appointment??

i have been having dead baby thoughts and stressing out that something is wrong for the last few days. again, no reason to think this at all. i just saw the babies last week and everything was FINE. mr. feels the opposite, when i have an appointment, he feels relieved that we will get reassurance that all is well. i should feel this way too.

i am hoping i will hear the heartbeats by doppler today. i wonder if they do 2 dopplers at once to make sure they don't find the same heartbeat twice? i am 10w4d so i'm assuming the doppler will work, right?

i was supposed to stop progesterone support on wednesday. i had been on it twice per day. yesterday i did just one and i will try to not do any today, but i have to admit i'm a little afraid to stop.

why must we infertiles be so aware of everything that can go wrong? why can't i just sit back and enjoy this pregnancy? i think i'll feel better once i can feel them, but that isn't for a while.

Surf and Turf

that's what mr. has named the babies

and they are both fine!

they let me come in for an u/s yesterday and we saw both babies moving all around and both heartbeats were looking good. we even could see the arm and leg buds. (it was an external u/s and i was surprised at how big my uterus is! the babies were way up by my belly button. no wonder my pants won't button.)

Baby A was measuring 9w3d with a heartrate of 170

Baby B was measuring 9w1d with a heartrate of 172

I know i shouldn't have totally freaked out. After I saw the blood, I actually looked in the mirror at myself and said, "don't freak out". but as soon as i started talking to the nurse i lost it. i just thought about everything we've been through the last 2 years and i couldn't fathom dealing with any more pain and disappointment.

I felt a huge relief when we saw both heartbeats, and were reassured by the doctor that I probably just loosened a clot with all the puking/coughing/blowing my nose that's been happening since i've been sick. gross.

thank you, ladies, for all your support and kind words yesterday.

oh no

bleeding...

crying....

freaking out

9w3d

did i say in my last post that i was surprisingly calm about this whole pregnancy thing?!?

because now i'm freaking out again. mr. and i had a conversation about how there is probably nothing wrong, and there is no reason to think there is since there is no spotting/cramping/etc, but after everything we've been through, we are both nervous that the next appointment will bring more bad news, since that's what we are used to.

i'm trying to stay positive. i'm still slightly nauseous often and have trouble sleeping at night. also, without warning i get HUNGRY. and i'm talking, if i don't get food immediately i'm going to throw up, hungry. even though i've lost about 10 pounds, my belly is totally growing! it's hard to believe since the babies are only about an inch big at this point, but i look pregnant. which is a problem, since i'm still trying to hide it! i've been wearing my pants unbuttoned with a b-band, or low rise pants that button below my belly, or even yoga pants, all coupled with bigger tops, sweaters and hoodies. next week is school vacation, and an appointment with the OB, so maybe after that i will have to let the cat out of the bag- if i hear 2 perfect heartbeats on the doppler, we'll see. i've read that with twins you measure about the same as a singleton pregnancy 6-8 weeks ahead of you, so that makes me feel a little better, but it feels a little odd to look so pregnant and not even be out of the first trimester. if i'm this big now, i can't imagine how big i will be in the end. i'm only 5'2". i might just topple over with baby at some point.

only a few more weeks until we see the babies on u/s again. and we get out of this trimester and feel a little better about the chances of actually holding 2 healthy babies in the end of all of this. i'm excited that at this u/s they will actually look like babies, and not just white blobs inside a black blob.

still pregnant....

so, things are still going well.

i've been feeling pretty crappy, nauseous mostly all day, and i've had a few days that i couldn't keep anything down. i've also been really tired, but then i'm up in the night and unable to get restful sleep. but, so far yesterday was the only day i had to miss work because it was so bad, other than that it has been doable. i think i may have had a touch of a stomach bug or something yesterday, because it was just awful!

i met with the midwife a few days ago. that seemed fine, although they don't seem all that knowledgeable/comfortable with twin pregnancies. i will work with the OB as well as an MFM (maternal/fetal medicine specialist) i will see each once per month for now. i'm going to wait until i meet one of the doctors at the OB in a few weeks and then decide if i should look for someone else. i will also ask the MFM if they have an OB practice they recommend for being knowledgeable about twin pregnancies.

i'm surprisingly not totally freaking out about everything. i think since i feel crappy i am reassured that they are still in there and growing. although, i am very much looking forward to hearing the heartbeats and seeing the babies again. i keep just thinking, i can't believe we are having two babies! i truly do feel doubly blessed.