Wednesday, February 24, 2010

what IF stole from me

as i lay in bed this morning, wondering how surf and turf were doing, secretly wishing i was married to tom if for no other reason than to have an u/s machine in my home, i was thinking of what IF has taken from me. TRUST. trust in my own body.

i used to workout and box with a trainer, and i always trusted my body to stay strong and grow stronger. i trusted it to tell me when i'd reached my limits. i trusted the warm cramping feeling that told me AF was on her way. i trusted my body to tell me when i was sick or needed a break. i trusted it to tell me when i was hungry or tired.

but now, i've lost that trust. i should be able to sit back and know that my body will keep my babies safe. that the food i'm eating will help them grow in all the right ways. i should trust that my uterus will expand and grow and properly contain them and cushion them from the outside world. i used to always think i would ultimately trust my body to deliver my baby-free of medications and forceps and scalpels.

the trust i previously had in my body has transformed in something else. trust in doctors and procedures and machines. now i look to the u/s machine and the doppler to tell me that my babies are okay. i look to doctors to tell me what my body and my babies need. and in my future, i may even have to resort to letting a doctor cut these babies out of me.

i miss the trusting relationship my body and i used to have. i miss being able to trust in my instincts, and trust my body to tell me when something was wrong. will i ever get that back?


heartincharge said...

This is very true! I was very into natural everything before IF and it took me awhile after my diagnosis to accept the need for IVF. I knew what would would make me gain weight, I know what to eat to lose weight, I knew what exercises my body responded to. I knew what made my hair break and what made it grow. My sister had a home birth and I thought pregnancy and birth would be these a la natural earth mother experiences for me. I am hoping to keep a balance in my life but I don't know. I am just so grateful for modern medicine right now.

Lara (NoodleGirl) said...

I hear ya, sister. I used to feel very attuned to my body and all these years of IF, then pregnancy losses and finally this *fingers crossed* looking-good pregnancy have made me realize that I don't know, and hence don't trust, what I thought I knew.

I do think as your pregnancy progresses and looks better every check, you will start trusting and appreciating your body again for the amazing things it can do in creating a human being (or two!). I'm never going to relax in my pregnancy (thanks IF!) but it is getting better.

Lisa said...

I certainly hope you'll get it back. I feel the same way ... and I'm not yet pregnant. Hang in there!

Lin said...

This is such a powerful post! Hope Surf & Turf are doing wonderfully! I think that worry is natural, though it doesn't make it any easier!

Wishing 4 One said...

I feel ya- oh how I feel ya. I am just 4 weeks and a few days and I am scared as hell! Wishing the best for you, for me, all those who are trying to finally have their babies. xoxoxox

Jezzafuji said...

Hi C,

It's lovely to hear that you're blooming - and don't worry about the pregnancy paranoia - it's entirely understandable after all you've been through.

I'd like to say that our experience is that you'll get your trust back soon, but, truth be told, it carries on, even beyond the birth - sorry... :(

We had exactly the same hesitancy - like we were walking a tightrope towards the birth. When J was pregnant with our twins, it took many months for us to buy *anything*. We didn't even pick names out, so cautious were we being. When we changed J's car, we actually said - out loud - to each other that if it all went wrong it would still keep its value well if we wanted to trade it in almost immediately. How pessimistic is that?

Of course the lack of optimism was for exactly the same reason. We'd not had a BFP before, and after 1 failed IUI and 4 failed IVFs, a high FSH and low retrieval numbers, J just felt it was inevitable that her body would let her down. It was just a self-protection mechanism in case the worst did actually arise. When she first thought she'd felt them move and then a week later didn't any longer, we paid for a private scan to confirm they were still wriggling away. Needless to say, they were fine.

I think what makes it all the harder is that you're suddenly imbued with enormous fear because you've now got something so valuable to lose; it's now not just a sense of your body keeping you happy, but your two little ones as well! J almost scratched off the days as we approached 36 weeks (when we thought we were home and dry), only to be told by the consultant that he still considered 40 weeks to be term for twins and we should try to keep them in there as long as possible. Suddenly those final days which we'd thought would be a bonus seemed really vital again - and on the worry goes... Then you get into breastfeeding and whether they're getting enough and whether you're producing enough and the cycle continues... :)

But don't succumb - don't panic. You'll be fine. Just have plenty - and I mean *plenty* - of rest. When they finally arrive (and whether you go C-section or natural) you'll be absolutely wasted and will need all the reserves you've built up over the months. Make sure that your DH treats you like the incredible marvel of nature that you are.

Most of all, try to enjoy it. At the time, J felt like a barge and really couldn't bear to see herself after about 6 months. But all too soon the miracle of having them inside you is over, and although it's wonderful to have them hale and hearty with us, J still misses that close intimacy of them carried around inside her, especially since they were effectively directly connected to her heart.

So I'll say 'try not to worry' (though I know you will) but most of all, just try to enjoy - and remember - every special feeling.

Stay wonderful,


Hua said...


Thank you so much for opening up and sharing that personal post.

I found your blog while searching for heartfelt and helpful stories while on the way to Pregnancy and dealing with infertility. I think your personal story could help those looking for resources and support throughout their journey of pregnancy and infertility. Wellsphere's HealthBlogger Network (HBN) is comprised of 3,000 bloggers who support each other through 150 communities including fitness for moms, pregnancy & Infertility, parenting and healthy eating.

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