Wednesday, July 29, 2009

advice needed

I'm thinking about posting this on my facebook notes, but I'm not sure.  I don't want to sound too angry or annoyed or anything, just trying to provide some information for others.  I'm also wondering if I should pretend I didn't write it and copied it from somewhere else (with permission of course)  Please let me know what you think.  Edits welcome as well.

10 THINGS YOU SHOULD NEVER SAY TO AN INFERTILE 10. "Go on a vacation!" Most infertiles can't afford a vacation, because they are spending all their money on fertility treatments, and being in a tropical location is not going to improve their chances of conceiving...see #9 9. "Just relax" This one gets us the most, you see, infertility is an actual medical condition that no amount of "relaxing" is going to fix. 8. "Stop trying and you'll get pregnant." If it were that simple, we would be pregnant by now. Seriously. 7. "Why don't you just adopt?" While adoption may be an option some infertiles choose, and a totally acceptable one at that, it is probably not most peoples' first choice. Adoption is a long and involved expensive process. Choosing adoption also means we have given up on ever having children who are biologically related to us. This is a difficult decision and one that takes a lot of time to make. 6. "A friend of a friend of a friend I know decided to (adopt/quit trying, etc) and they got pregnant!" We infertiles are happy for your friend of a friend-the urban legend, and we know these people exist, but this is the exception, not the rule. 5. "You can have one of mine!" Please don't offer us one of your children, your eggs, or your husband's sperm. You probably don't mean it and this is offensive to some infertiles who will actually have to consider using some part of someone else at some point. 4. "You're so lucky you get to (sleep in/go on vacation/etc)" Although we probably are able to do some things because we don't have children, we have made the decision that we would like to give up some of these freedoms in order to have children. Infertiles don't feel "lucky", in fact, they would do just about anything to have to wake up to a crying baby. 3. "Are you SURE you want kids?!?" Although you are probably saying this in jest when your own child is misbehaving, please don't imply that all of our struggles have not been carefully thought out. Going through infertility treatments takes a lot of time/money/emotion and we wouldn't be going through it if we didn't actually want children. 2. "Are you pregnant yet?" Although you are probably just trying to keep up with how your infertile friend is doing, please don't ask this question. Any infertile who does finally get pregnant will share the happy news when they are ready. 1. "I'm pregnant!" This is a tricky one. You are probably excited to share your happy news, but if you have a friend who is struggling, please put some thought into how she will find out. I recommend an email, so she has time to process the information in case she's having a particularly bad day. Your infertile friend is TRULY happy for you, but hearing about another person's pregnancy also reminds her of what she doesn't have. Whatever you do, do NOT let her A. find out from someone else, B. find out on facebook or C. find out it was an "accident". If you know someone who is struggling with infertility, just let them know you are there for them. Ask if they want to talk about it or don't want to talk about it. If they seem up for talking, ask questions about the procedures they are going through so you better understand what is involved. Don't be offended if they don't want to participate in baby showers and outings with children. Sometimes this is too hard. Follow their lead in terms of talking about your own pregnancy/children, etc. If they ask questions, they are probably okay with talking about it, but if not, they may not be in a place that they can talk about it without feeling sad and left out. If your friend seems to lose touch a little bit, don't be offended. She may be having a hard time emotionally and is just trying to keep it to herself. Infertility takes a huge toll on a person and a couple. Treatments are expensive, invasive and can cause many side effects, like crankiness, bitchiness, exhaustion, headaches, etc. The whole thing is an emotional rollercoaster. Remind your friend that you are there when she wants to talk, drink, not talk, whatever. Let her know you are sorry she has to go through this and you are hoping for her too.

7 comments:

c by the sea said...

it wasn't all jumbled together when i wrote it. don't know how to fix that, sorry it was hard to read.

Just me said...

I posted it on mine. But I limited who could read it... so it was only visible to those I chose.

Turns out, half of them didn't read it anyway... including one person who was the main reason I posted it!!! LOL

Missy said...

About #5, I would also add that the idea we could take one of their kids is hurtful b/c parents routinely complain about their kids even though we know and they know they wouldn't trade them for the world. And it is hurtful to hear people not appreciating something we would give anything to have.

Celia said...

Yeah, I HATED people offering us sperm. And I especially hated people telling me to let nature take it's course.

John and Kate plus Zero said...

Hello, I came across your blog and I love it! It sounds like we're on the same path with our infertility. Good luck to you!

Tiffanie said...

i have a whole list somewhere i should find that i think had a couple more good ones. people suck and say ignorant things. unfortunately that doesn't stop when you are pregnant.

i say post it if you feel it needs posted. maybe anonomously though?

damn, did AF get here yet?!

JB said...

Amen. My well-intentioned friends and family don't understand how words can have such a profound impact. And they take for granted what this process is, and what it does to a person (and a couple). I don't expect them to understand, just to respect. Some days are better than others. :)