Monday, July 6, 2009

Left out

i do not have a sister.  i have two big brothers who were older than me in age enough that we didn't really form a relationship until we were adults.  i do however have many close girlfriends.  unfortunately, those girlfriends DO have sisters, but anyway... i feel like they are the closest things i have to ever knowing what it's like to have a sister.

flashback to a few years ago at my 10 year high school reunion... me and two of said close friends, we'll call them Julia and Alleni.  we are all chatting about plans for our future.  we talk about when we will start trying to have kids. (they were already married, i was getting married the next summer)  neither of them are ready, but i know i will be trying right away after i get married.  we talk and laugh about how much fun it would be if they tried at the same time and we could all be pregnant together and our kids will be the same age and wouldn't it be so great....

shortly after i start trying, they tell me they aren't trying, but they aren't trying not to. months go by and they start asking me when to try, what they are doing wrong.  i give them a few tips and mention OPK's, but they "don't want it to be a science experiment."  some more months go by and i start to guess that one of them is pregnant, Alleni, my best friend, finally tells me at 8 weeks.  i am a little hurt she waited so long, since if i hadn't been going through all this infertility crap she would have told me after she peed on a stick, quite possibly before she told her husband for that matter.  instead, she waited until she was about to see me and knew her family might slip and sent me an email.

over the weekend, Julia told me she's having a baby.  she's due 2 weeks after Alleni.  she just told me, at 13 weeks.

i feel sad.  i feel left out.  i feel hurt that because of my infertility neither of them told me right away.  both of these friends are friends who would have normally told me right away.  instead, especially with Julia, i mean 13 weeks!! come on!!  she is already showing, everyone knows and i feel like she was purposefully avoiding me and keeping it from me.  in the meantime, the two of them have been talking and sharing in their pregnancy bliss together.  they are expecting babies within 2 weeks of each other.  they have each known about the other since Alleni told me at 8 weeks.

i'm happy for my friends, i really am.  i'm happy they don't have to go through what i am going through.  but i also feel like, they aren't calling and hanging out and whatever because they don't know what to say, or how to be.  i've always wanted to know what it was like to have a sister.  i felt like being pregnant at the same time as one or both of these friends would have given me that sense.  instead, they are sharing in it together and i'm still f*cking barren.

when is it my turn?


sunflowerchilde said...

I have a sister. It's interesting because she is at a completely different stage of her life, even though we're twins. She's very bitter about not having found someone to spend her life with. Because of that, she is not sympathetic about my infertility, because she still sees me as being way ahead of her in the "game of life".

I don't have close girl-friends, at least not as close as I would like, but I can imagine it would be really hard to have two who were due around the same time while you're struggling with IF. I'm so sorry, this is such an unfair trick that the universe is playing on us.

Beautiful Mess said...

I do have a sister and we use to be really close. We're still close, but not as close as we once were.
I don't know what it's like to want what your wanting with my sister, but I do understand your want to have what your girlfriends have. I get really sad when I think about the women in my life having "oops" babies. And watch them have uneventful pregnancies and healthy babies without all the stress I had. I also think about my bloggy friends who deserve something a lot more then they do. It shouldn't be like that. It's just not fair!

Hillary said...

That is so tough -- my heart ached for you as I read about your friends and their pregnancies. I would feel sad and left out, too. I'm so sorry :(

Just me said...

I am not close with my sister. But I am very lucky to have a very special relationship with my best friend. She has a 2 yr old, and sometimes it is hard. But she is as sympathetic and empathetic as anyone who has not been through IF can be.

I feel like I am constantly asking "When is it my turn?" It is just a shitty place to be.


c by the sea said...

you guys make a good point. i suppose even if i did have a sister, it would not necessarily give me what i seem to be looking for. i guess i always just thought sharing a first pregnancy with someone who is close with me would be special. i still have one more friend who is trying to get pregnant. maybe that will work out....or maybe she will get pregnant and i won't. i guess i really just need to live my own journey and not think so much (and be jealous) about others. maybe i need to read me some eckhart tolle :)