i did a bad, bad thing..maybe...

in my house, we have a "little room".  i'm sure many of you have a similar room in your home.  maybe it is an office, or a guest room, or a junk room.  maybe you keep the door closed so you don't have to be reminded of what this room is supposed to be.  in our home, this room is currently occupied by bags of clothes to be donated, boxes of things that need to organized and other random things that are in need of a home.  the room needs to be repainted and a gallon of earth friendly, no voc paint in a soft yellow even sits on the floor.  i occasionally wander in to the little room to look for something, or to start to organize what is in there, only to give up and wander back out.  i do not want to clean and organize and paint the "little room" until there is an exciting reason to do so.  if it looks all ready, like it is just missing an occupant, it will be even more depressing to walk by.

gone are the days that mr.m and i excitedly talk about our future child.  we are no longer making plans and debating names and contemplating baby furniture and the like.  we do not want to get our hopes up or make any plans, knowing that the reality of us holding our child in our arms could be a long way off.  

but with our hope dwindling away and our optimism broken, i decided we needed a change.  i made the decision that we needed to think positively once again and get excited a little bit about a little being that we will hopefully someday bring into this world. so, i ordered something...that is specifically for a B-A-B-Y. and we can't use it until there IS actually a B-A-B-Y.

i have always known i would cloth diaper my kids.  mr.m is environmentally like-minded, so i was able to convince him that this was a good choice for us.  since i began dreaming of getting pregnant, i have been researching cloth diapers online. and finally, i ordered a sample of the 3 brands we were debating between.  we both agreed on which ones we liked the best. they are so cute! and i can't wait to have a little bum to put them on.  it was fun to get excited about baby things again.  and i think we can handle it. we are not disillusioned anymore and we know that it may take some time.  but we also know that we WILL have a family someday, whether through IVF or adoption, but we cannot even entertain the idea of having a child-free life.

for now, i will stick the diapers back in the closet in the little room. but it felt good to think good thoughts again and dream about our someday baby.  i think surrounding ourselves with positive energy is the best thing we can do moving forward.