shooting up in public

okay, so i had to bring my lu.pron and a needle (and a little portable sharps container) to a concert on friday night.  i got my bag searched.  they opened my wallet, they looked through my change purse, apparently looking for the kind bud i was not carrying and totally missed the drug paraphernalia. phew.  i did make sure with my cop friend that it was legal for me to be carrying around needles in my purse, and it is, but i was still glad i didn't have to explain myself.  shooting up in the bathroom proved to be slightly challenging, what with the lack of sterile surfaces in the stall for me to put things on, but i managed.  

on saturday i had to go out to my car at a function to shoot up, this time adding in the second shot (gonal.f)  man i am a regular junkie these days....

so far all is alright with the stims.  i felt a little out of it/tired today, but that may have been from my busy weekend...i was bummed i couldn't enjoy the weather on my kayak today.  the doc says i can't "bend, twist or lift" while on the stims to avoid OHSS  which sounds incredibly painful and unpleasant, so i will abide.  i did get out for a nice long walk with a friend and our pups though :)

hope you all had a nice weekend.

check check

i had my suppression check today.  all is quiet and as it should be.  because they have a bunch of IVF patients all on the same schedule, i have to continue the 10 units of lupron through Friday and start the stims and the reduced lupron on saturday.  (they are trying to space us all out so there are no scheduling conflicts).

my headache seems to have finally subsided.  phew!  

not so lovely

i have had a raging headache for 3 days.

damn that lupron!

jeopardy

i feel like my world is moving along with jeopardy music in the background.

da na na nana na na na. da na na na NA na nananana

just waiting and waiting.  taking my metformin and my lovely lupron every night at 8:30 and my last BCP tonight....

on a random note, tomorrow is my LAST DAY OF SCHOOL!! YAY! since i run my own little preschool and set my own schedule, it's my last day.  i'm cutting down to 4 mornings a week for "summer camp" so i can get to all my appointments and try to stay calm and healthy.  

also, mr.m and i finally broke down and bought a new tv!!  it's obnoxiously huge and i am loving the high def.  i even enjoyed watching basketball last night just because it was so huge and clear.  our old television was about a 20" built in to a piece of furniture.  it was probably 20 years old or more.  it still worked like a champ, but we were definitely ready for an upgrade!

lu.pron

my first night of the lupron was Friday.  it happened to coincide with a dinner party we were throwing at our house, but i was able to sneak upstairs and shoot up without anyone noticing.  it went fine.  after each shot, the area stings a little for a few minutes, but nothing too bad.  i haven't really noticed any side effects yet, but i've only done it 3 times so far.  hopefully it continues to go smoothly.  my suppression check is tues the 26th.

the junk

i am a junkie anticipating her next fix.

i have fondled the needles in anticipation.

i have read and reread my drug calendar.

i start on the junk tomorrow.

and i can't wait to shoot up.

i just want to be doing something that could actually do something.

i never thought i'd be here...but here i am.

are BCP's making me crazy?!?

i feel like i have been an emotional wreck lately.  i am down and grumpy one day, then perfectly normal the next, only to have the blues take over again.  i am all over the place!  can the birth control pills be doing this to me? or am i really just a little crazy right now?

i start Lupron on Friday.  what is that going to add to this mix?

i'll follow the sun

i spent most of this week feeling sorry for myself.  i was starting to feel things that i don't want to feel, like anger and bitterness toward friends who are pregnant, sadness about not being pregnant yet, overall just dark and dreary.  i pretty much accomplished nothing, napped, watched tv and ate crap.  i felt lonely and miserable and pissed off.

today i woke up and it was sunny outside.  i felt pretty good and had a good morning with the kids.  i went out to lunch with a pregnant friend and i'm even feeling better about going to her baby shower on saturday where there will most likely be some gushing over my other newly pregnant friend.  i feel like the big dark cloud that was following me around all week has finally gone away.  i'm glad, because i want to be able to be happy for my friends.  i really am glad that none of them are going through what i am going through.  if i can take one for the team and be the infertile one in the group, so be it.  

my meds are coming today. i'm excited to see them and get started next friday.  that's a little weird, i guess, to be excited about shooting yourself up with drugs, feels a little bit like i'm an addict or something....

i know it's probably weird to give out your address to some stranger on the web, but if anyone would like a 4 leaf clover, i now have 5 to give away......

lucky?

yesterday i found 4 four leaf clovers.  

or, i should say, they found me.  this is not that unusual, i have found over 50 in the last 7 years (when i started finding them).  i just glance at the ground and it is like they shout out to me.  they catch my eye and i pick them.  i ALWAYS give them away, which i think is why i keep on finding them. i haven't found one this year yet.  yesterday i saw one, bent down to pick it and then they kept on catching my eye.  i've got them flattening in a book.  i usually put them in between contact paper after they are flat.  

i hope this means good luck is coming my way....