PCOS

so,  my baseline ultrasound.  

i drank and drank and drank water for an hour leading up to the u/s.  They were running late and I wasn't sure i had drunken (?) enough water, so i sat in the waiting room and drank some more.  Then,  i started realizing i definately drank enough, since i was starting to worry how much longer i could hold it.   they finally called me in.  They did a regular u/s (wand on the belly).  she remarked at how full my bladder was.  then i got to pee! best news i had heard all day. 

 when i got back into the room, i was to disrobe from the waist down.  the woman then busted out an enormously large wand.  i was a little scared.  she assured me that most of it was a handle. ( i didn't quite believe her). she didn't seem all that comfortable inserting it, like, she didn't look and just sort of pushed in the general direction until it went in.  which was a little weird, although someone told me later that when they had it done, they were told to insert it themselves, "like a tampon". hmmm.  

anyways,  it was fine.  as she did the u/s, she said, "do you have PCOS? has anyone ever mentioned that?"  um, no, but apparently i do if you see cysts all over my ovaries!?!  they had told me someone would call to give me the go ahead to start clomid on day 3.  at 4, no one had called, so i called them.  the nurse called back and told me i could start the pills.  when i asked about PCOS, she said, "well, you just have lots of follicles on your ovaries, like 20, when most people have 3".  That's when i said, "isn't that exactly what PCOS means?" (i mean come on lady, i googled it).  she said she'd have the doc call me back.  so, now i have been diagnosed with PCOS.  we are going ahead with this months plan and the doctor put some info in the mail for me.  he said that he will add metformin if this cycle doesn't work, but said, (in his very cute accent) "well i tink you will be pregnant dis month, so you won't need to see me again. but if not, we will add the metformin.  but hopefully we won't need to worry about it."  

he's so cute and it made me so happy that he was so hopeful and positive.   

getting started

yay!  aunt flo FINALLY arrived (sort of) on Saturday.  I called the doc this morning to make sure it counted, since it only lasted one day and they said that was typical of provera.  i go in tomorrow morning for my baseline ultrasound and i'll also begin the clomid tomorrow evening.  i will take clomid until saturday and go in on monday for another ultrasound to see how big my follicles are.

i am feeling excited and anxious just to get this process rolling, although i am trying not to get too excited about the IUI working the first time.  it seems like most blogs i read mention at least a few failed IUI's.  Has anyone actually gotten pregnant with a first IUI?? If you have, I would certainly love to know.  i have acupuncture today and i will let her know that our IUI's may be next week.  she is wonderful and will work around my schedule to do a treatment before and after each IUI.

fingers crossed. 

hormones

so i have now been on the provera for 3 days.  it's been fine.  the first day i had a headache and it makes me  a little sleepy, but i take it at night, so it doesn't matter.  this morning i woke up with a full feeling in my uterus.  hopefully aunt flo will arrive shortly after saturday when i take my last pill and we can being this crazy journey.  i'm looking forward to it and obviously hopeful, although i'm trying not to get too excited or hopeful.  it is only expectation that leads to disappointment, after all.

it's funny.  when mr. m and i decided we wanted to get pregnant, we got some books, we joked and teased and playfully had sex almost every day.  we layed in bed and talked about baby names.  we picked out a paint color to paint "the little room" (we still don't refer to it as the baby's room, just the little room, but we know what we want it to someday be)  we were so hopeful and happy.  the first few months i did everything right.  i cut out caffeine and alcohol and deli meat.  we waited and waited and peed on sticks.  aunt flo was late, so we got a little bit excited.  after a few months i would tell myself, "okay.  this month will be the one.  now i will appreciate it so much more after a few failed attempts." i would anxiously plead with god everytime i went to the bathroom that SHE wouldn't arrive.  

now, there is little baby talk.  everytime i mention a name i like, mr.m says, i don't want to talk about it until we are pregnant.  i think his heart broke a little with each period too.

i am glad my doctor is proactive.  i'm glad and thankful and relieved that we have a shot at a biological child and that our insurance will pay for it.  i am cautiously hopeful, but not making any plans.  i try not to even count the "if this, then when".  i'm trying to just go along for the ride and do the things i can to give it the best shot.....

i ended up calling the doc yesterday, just to check in and let them know i was still waiting.  i thought they'd just tell me to remain patient and it would come.  i was wrong.  they sent me in for a blood pregnancy test, just to make sure, and sent some provera to the pharmacy.  

four tries and one 2 inch purple bruise later, the tech finally got enough blood to tell me what i already suspected.  i am not pregnant.  just absurdly late.  

i will begin the provera tonight for 5 days to induce a period and then onto IUI #1.

still waiting...

day 54!!  

infertility blogs

so, i am always looking around for new blogs to read.  i have 4 or 5 that i like.  in looking for infertility blogs, it always seems that they are now pregnant, or have a baby.  sometimes this makes me mad and i don't want to read anymore.  but i guess it should make me feel like infertility is not a life sentence.  maybe it should make me see that i too will be writing about motherhood and pregnancy someday....hopefully.

other times, i find a story of a journey i don't think i can endure. months turn into years of dissappointment and heartache.  some have even given up.  i have no idea what this feels like.  i have no idea what you've been through.  i know if i were in your shoes i would be angry and broken and mad to read about my own hopeful journey's beginning.  i hate to be so insensitive, but i really hope i remain oblivious to exactly how much pain one can endure.

waiting

so. here i am.  waiting and waiting and waiting for aunt flo to arrive.  for so many months i have prayed that she would not arrive, and here i am hoping she comes.  This will be my first month with some fertility help.  I will take 100 mg Clomid from day 3- day 7.  On day 10, i'll go in for an ultrasound to measure my follicles.  When they are big enough, I'll give myself a trigger shot of Ovidril and have acupuncture and IUI the next 2 days.  I'm an anxious to get started on this journey for a baby.  The anxiety is probably what's making aunt flo stay away, but i will keep waiting.  today is day 48.  i've never gone this long.  but i'm willing to wait.  i just hope this journey brings us a baby soon.