visit with the RE

today i had a visit with the RE.  based on the very low motility from the SA and IUI, he has recommended we move forward to IVF.  i will continue this cycle with clomid and IUI, and he also added Metformin.  in the meantime, mr.m will have a second SA for the insurance and they will apply to the insurance company for us to start IVF if this cycle is unsuccessful.  i am glad to have a plan.  i am trying to hold on to a little bit of hope that this IUI cycle will be a success, but i'm having a hard time mustering it up right now.  we'll see...

it's funny, when i started this journey i was scared shitless of IVF.  i hoped i never had to do it, and imagined the decision would be far into the future.  and here we are, starting to plan for it. i feel okay about it.  i feel that it will give us a much better chance of actually having a baby and being able to forget about this whole infertility thing for while. i am scared of all the shots and the retrieval, but i am trying not to think about it too much.  i know i will just do what i have to do.

my RE also mentioned that because of my age (i'm 30) he will only transfer 1 embryo.  i think if i had the choice, i would choose 2 to increase our chances of success. i was actually a little surprised that it wasn't even an option.  any thoughts on this?  

and the decision is...

i called up the pharmacy to refill my clomid and ovidrel this morning.  i think it's worth another try (or 2) of IUI before i bring out the big guns (IVF).  i am sort of doing this because i don't have time to meet with my doctor before i have to make the decision.  i am meeting with him on monday, and if i haven't gotten my period, i will discuss other options with him, but i have a feeling AF may show up today or tomorrow. 

  i am thinking i will do 1 more Clomid cycle.  i did have one good follicle and zero side effects, so it feels comfortable to do that.  if that doesn't work, i will try 1 injectable cycle and if that doesn't work, i will do IVF in June.  as i've mentioned before, i run a small daycare out of my home.  the school year ends in May.  i usually do summer camp in june and july, but if these next 2 cycles don't work, i will take the summer off and do IVF.  i feel like it would be too hard to do IVF while i am working, without taking a ridiculous amount of time off for monitoring and everything else it entails.  

thanks for all your thoughts and comments!

next steps

i  live in a state where you A. must have insurance and B. all insurance is required to have fertility benefits.  i feel very fortunate for this. when i read some of your stories about paying for your treatments, i feel extremely lucky.  i  really don't know what i would do if money were a factor in our treatment decisions.

so now, i have choices. 

 i can continue with a Clomid/Ovidrel/IUI cycle (most likely adding in Metformin for the PCOS)

 i can do an IUI cycle with injectables

i can skip ahead to IVF

my insurance will cover any of these options.  

i'm not sure what to do.  i feel blessed to have all these options, but i'm not sure i'm ready to dive in to IVF.  it seems like a lot more of a process than IUI's, and a lot more time- wise, physically and emotionally.  i'm also not sure about doing injectables.  i'm okay with having to shoot myself up, but i'm worried i will overstim and have to cancel the cycle.  i also realize this will increase our chance of multiples.

here are my thoughts on multiples.  

i am fine with the idea of taking care of more than one baby,  i nannied for infant twins 60 hours a week (from 3 weeks until they were 2), and although i know it's not the same as being their parent, i feel prepared.  i also have a degree in early childhood and was an infant teacher for a few years.  the "what to do with babies" part of motherhood is a non-issue for me. i currently have (6) 2 and 3 year olds in my care daily.

however, i worry that my small frame (i'm 5'1") cannot support the growth of multiple babies in a healthy way.  i also know that my husband would prefer not to have multiples.  we are both short people and he worries that having multiples will mean that the children will be physically smaller.  starting with our already "small" genes, he worries they will get picked on (like he did).  he also has a brother with identical twins.  during their pregnancy, they had many complications and almost lost the babies.  the mom was in the hospital on bed rest from 16 weeks until she delivered at 29 weeks. i think he has a fear of having to go through this with our family.

at the same time, i want a baby. and i'm willing to do whatever it takes to increase my chance of reaching this goal. and if it's going to be this difficult and i want 3-4 children eventually, what's the harm in cooking up a few at once?

i'm interested in hearing your thoughts on what you think i should do next.  i know many of you have gone through some of these other steps and may have good insight based on your experiences.  please comment and share your opinions and reasoning.

thanks!

the results are in....

i read a quote on one of your blogs recently.  i'm sorry i can't remember who's it was, as i've been reading quite a few with ICLW.  it was this, 

"everything will be okay in the end.

and if it's not okay, 

then it's not the end."

i am not pregnant.

i have more to tell you all about, but the kids are here, so i'll continue later this afternoon.

thanks for all the support.

it is tuesday....

i just gave them my blood.  it wasn't so bad.  last time it took them 4 tries and a huge bruise.  the results will not be in until wednesday morning.

part of me doesn't want to know.  i have a feeling that i'm not pregnant and i just don't want to know for sure yet.  i am happy i still have one night to wonder.  tomorrow i will probably be sad and then i'll get ready for another try. we'll see.  

i'll update as soon as i hear in the morning.

thanks for all the well wishes!

almost here

"tomorrow

tomorrow

i love ya

tomorrow

you're only a day away!"

counting down the days

my blood test is tuesday.  which seems so close, yet so far away. 

i am excited that tuesday is just around the corner, but at the same time i feel a little uneasy about it, because if the result is negative, there is no more wondering- it's just over.  i kind of like the wondering, because it is hopeful and happy to wonder about something that may be.  it is sad and scary to know it may not be.

i feel like i am prepared either way.  i know this might not work.  i know it's only our first IUI, and there can be a few more tries before i get REALLY scared. 

but i am still trying to be cautiously optimistic.  i am visualizing a little embryo settling in and growing happily.  i am treating my body well and trying to stay calm and rested.

and i will just keep on waiting and wondering until tuesday.

just a little side note: some people have been commenting that their doc's don't do blood tests.  i have been FORBIDDEN by my doctor from peeing on a stick.  since i triggered with Ovidrel, which is HCG, i will get a positive on a pee stick, since the hcg is in my system, but that will not mean i am pregnant. that's why they do a blood test 14 days after the trigger.

it's a LOVE/HATE relationship

i have a love/hate relationship with my progesterone suppositories.

i love that they nourish my lining and make it nice and welcoming for a little embryo to burrow right in for the long hall. (well, i guess it's technically a blastocyst before it implants)

i love that it is NOT a shot

however, 

i hate that these "yellow bullets" make me feel like i've wet myself....all day long

i hate that they seem to be making me very, very tired, of course this may be all in my head and could have something to do with the fact that i am no longer consuming any caffeine...

warning: too much info below

i hate that they make my boobs sore and my nipples are constantly hard, like harder than they have ever been, and did i mention they hurt?

i also hate that they also seem to be causing some swelling at the point of insertion...if you know what i mean.... what's that all about?

anyway, i will continue to stuff the little yellow bullets up my vajayjay each morning in hopes that it will help "hold the baby in" as mr.m likes to say.

i have to write about something as i wait.....

only 1 more week until my blood test!

we only need one

again my day was filled with needles at the acupuncturist and catheters full of sperm. 

again today i saw "signs" everywhere.  when i pulled in to the doctor's office yesterday, there was someone backing out of a parking space, as if it were just for me.  today, when i arrived someone was backing  out of THAT VERY SAME SPACE! i felt like the universe was telling me, "you belong here, this is where you are meant to be at this moment. welcome!"

today someone tried to make me question and doubt my positive attitude- the nurse doing the IUI.  she told me there were only 2.4 million guys today. she told me chances were slim, that there is already a call in letting the RE know the bad numbers, told me i should meet with him and see how to proceed if this doesn't work, maybe go right to IVF next time, she said.

and i was sad, for a moment...

but then i remembered, i made a decision to be positive and hopeful. and i changed my attitude back.  i told the sperm inside of me i was sorry for doubting them for a moment.  

after all, we only need one.

IUI#1, done

Last night at 10 pm i did my trigger shot of Ovidrel.  I was nervous about it, but i tried not to think too much and just did it.  it wasn't bad at all.  phew.  i really hope i don't have to get used to giving myself shots.....

this morning i met with the fill-in acupuncturist.  she was very nice and a little more crunchy and needle happy than Jeanne, my regular lady.  then i was off to the doctor.  

i was early, but they were able to take me in shortly after i got there.  i assumed the position and checked out the sperm.  i had to sign off that it was my hubby's sample.  then they pushed the 6.4 million motile guys up into my uterus through a catheter.  the speculum was uncomfortable, but everything else was fine.  the nurse then elevated my hips and got me my book and i laid (lay?) there for about 15 minutes.  i went back to acupuncture on my way home for another treatment.

the whole way to my appointments this morning i listened to the music from our wedding.  it makes me so happy.  anytime i hear any of the songs, i tear up and think about my wedding day, which was definitely the happiest, most perfect day of my life.  mr.m and i said our vows on a cliff overlooking the ocean.  here is the song list:

"Somewhere Over the Rainbow" by IZ (flower girls, ring bearer and mom's)

"Sea of Love" by Cat Power ( i walked down to this)

"Better Together" by Jack Johnson (after we were married, we walked out to this)

"Sweeter Than Ever" by Susan Tedeschi (our first dance)

everywhere i saw "signs" that further fueled my positive energy, because i'm crazy like that.  get up there guys, find that egg!

here we go...

so today, my follicle jumped to 22mm.  i will trigger tonight and have IUI's tomorrow and thursday.  my regular doctor's office couldn't fit me in, so i have to travel to another office about an hour away, which is VERY inconvenient for mr.m, but we gotta do what we gotta do.

i will have an acupuncture treatment before and after each IUI.  i am hoping things go well with the new acupuncturist.

i am not really sure what to expect.  some people have said that IUI's hurt, and others that they don't.  i am trying to stay calm and positive. should i bring a book or something?

i know that the chances of this working aren't super high, and that it usually doesn't work the first time, but it feels good to be doing something that gives us a real shot at having a baby.  i will try to remain cautiously optimistic, but i'm sure over the next 2 weeks i will run the whole spectrum of thoughts and feelings.  it will probably be a very long 2 weeks!

please send some good ju ju my way over the next few days....

just a little bit more

this morning i woke up while it was still dark out, only to find it was freaking SNOWING!!.  It was 60 degrees yesterday, and today i had to drive in the dark and in the snow to get the dildo cam up my hoo ha once again.

one beautiful 17.5 follie, back again tomorrow....

follicle check

one growing follicle....15mm

another check monday.

i talked to the acupuncturist willing to take over for the IUI's.  she is very sweet. she just moved back to the area and is still rebuilding her client base, so she is totally flexible.  yay!

she told me to stay calm (check) and stay positive (check)

putting it out there

lately i have been feeling unusually optimistic. 

 maybe it's the promise of spring in the air, or my upcoming birthday excitement, i don't know. 

often i reign in my positive and hopeful feelings, trying to protect myself from the possible fall. 

you know, the higher you are, the harder you fall kind of thing.

but lately, i really can imagine a tiny little baby growing inside of me.  i can picture it sleeping next to my bed, 

nursing it, 

tiny fingers,

tiny sounds. 

i am sending my positive baby vibes out into the universe, letting it know that 

i AM ready. 

maybe i haven't been on this rollercoaster long enough to be bitter and broken, 

maybe my hope will be shattered again in the end, 

but today, i'm putting it out there.  

just like oprah says to do...

i'm visualizing, hoping, 

surrounding myself in positive energy

and waiting for that baby to be mine.

thanks

thanks to all of you who have been reading and commenting.  it is so nice to see that my counter at the bottom is no longer just adding up the times i visit my own blog.  i was feeling a little lonely here in blog-land, and now i feel happy that others are sharing my journey with me.

so thanks, comments really are like blog hugs :p

acupuncture

a few people i know In Real Life that have gone through infertility highly recommended i do acupuncture.  one woman had 5 failed IUI's and 3 failed IVF cycles.  with her 4th IVF, she coupled it with acupuncture and now has a healthy baby girl. i figured it was worth a shot.

i have been going to acupuncture once a week since december, when i began fertility testing.  it costs $60 per 1 hour session.  mr.m and i decided that since it was (hopefully) short term, it was worth finding the extra money in our budget.  i love it!  sometimes the needles pinch a tiny little bit, just for a second, but then i can almost feel the energy waving through me.  it is very relaxing and i almost feel a little stoned at the end.  my acupuncturist, Jeanne is great.  she is quiet and calm in a wise sort of way.  she is very accommodating and was willing to fit me in before and after each IUI, no matter what day of the week they fell on.  

she is going on vacation on sunday and will be gone next week, just when i need her the most.  i am sad and disappointed.  she is calling another acupuncturist in the area to see if they can work with me for my IUI's, which is very kind of her.  i feel like after the relationship i've developed with her, it will be a little weird to go to someone for the first time before and after my IUI's.  i also can't imagine they will be as flexible with their schedule as she is.  we will see....

follicle check

today i had my follicle check.  i had one 11mm, one 10mm and many under 10mm.  i will go in again on saturday to get them measured again.  grow follies...grow!

that smile

last night...i saw it 

that smile.  

the one with a hint of hope

and the excitement of adventure.

as we lay in bed planning out when to abstain, when the IUI's may be.  he looked right at me with that smile.  

and i felt it.

i don't want to get too excited, still cautious about the possibility of heartache.

but, it sure feels good to see that smile