they're here!

just wanted to let you know,

my 2 beautiful girls entered the world screaming and healthy on 8.31.10

Lila weighed in at 5 lb 14 oz and

Macy weighed in at a big 6 lb 1 oz

Mama and babies are doing great. we are home and falling in love with each other. they are so beautiful and perfect it makes my heart explode.

i wish and hope for all of you still in the midst of your IF journey that it ends like this for you. they were so worth every moment of heartache and pain.

Tuesday morning

on Tuesday, i am going to become somebody's mother.

i've wanted a baby and to be a mom since i was a little girl. i patiently waited through my college years and beyond and didn't do anything stupid to get knocked up until i was married. i went through almost two years of heartache, anger, injections, violating doctor's appointments, surgeries and losses to get pregnant.

my pregnancy wasn't smooth, but it was by no means complicated. there was some spotting, lots of weight loss, food aversions, exhaustion and vomiting. but the babies always were growing well. i am so grateful that this body of mine who was uncooperative for so long has hung in there and grown these two baby girls to full term- without bedrest or major problems. thank you, body for being so good to these babies.

i've enjoyed this pregnancy, even when i wasn't exactly enjoying it. i know this may be my only time to experience this and i really have tried not to complain too much or take it for granted. i loved watching my belly get hard and round, even as it turned into an explosion of ugly stretch marks and an enormity that i could never have imagined. i've loved feeling the girls swish and kick and twirl, even when they seemed to be trying to break my ribs or make me regurgitate my food. i've been in awe of my body and it's hugeness and how much effort it takes to roll from side to side, stand from sitting, get in or out of a car, walk through a store without sitting down, etc.

on tuesday morning, i will go into the hospital for a c-section and come out with TWO babies. and they will be my babies, that will probably look a little something like me or the mr, that have grown inside of me for 38 weeks. i will be responsible for loving them, caring for them, helping them to become intelligent, sensitive and aware human beings who contribute something to the world. i will not be able to look at them from another table at a restaurant and say, 'i would never let MY kid behave like that!' or watch them do something completely inappropriate and say, 'where is that kid's parent?!' i will have to make decisions about their life, take care of them when they are sick or hurt, figure out what i think is best, teach them to tie their shoes, read, be kind, drive. send them off on a date, to the prom, to college, down the aisle. hope everything i do for them and with them and every choice i make guides them toward a good life, one with minimal heartache, and lots of joy.

on tuesday morning, i will become a mother- of two daughters. it will change my life forever in ways i can't even know or imagine. my journey has led me here- to the doorstep of parenthood. i am terrified and elated. i can't wait to hold these girls in my arms, welcome them to the world, to our family, thank them for making me a mother, thank them for creating a new journey for me. love them forever.

quick update

at our friday u/s we got great news!

the girls shocked us all by jumping up over a pound each in less than 2 weeks!

Baby A went from 3lb 15oz to 5lb even

Baby B went from 4lb 6oz to 5lb 5oz

they also jumped back up on the chart to the 28th and 31st percentiles.

which means, no hospitalization for me and no delivery for them. yay!

the doctor was completely shocked. i told him i've been loading up on protein shakes, steak, hard boiled eggs and other protein (and ice cream incidentally, but i didn't mention that). he said he can't say that medically that works, but it seems to be helping so i should keep it up.

i feel much better knowing they have hit the 5 pound mark. they are currently at the average birth weight for twins. hopefully they grow a little bit longer, but i am feeling much more prepared for them to arrive any time now.

quick update

35 weeks and still pregnant.

Last week at our growth scan, we got some unsettling news. Both babies have slowed down in their growth and baby B is now a full half a pound bigger than A. Thay dropped from the 40th and 44th percentile to the 17th and 27th. bummer. they are running out of room.

This coming Friday we will have another u/s and they will decide what to do. According to my OB (who is much better at sharing info than the MFM's) they expect one or both babies to fall below the 10th percentile, officially declaring Inter Uter.ine Growth Rest.riction. If that is the case, they will either admit me and monitor me until 37 weeks, or if they are more than 20% apart in size, they will deliver me. I'm hoping i just need to wait it out on hospital bedrest and get these girls 2 more weeks or growth...we'll see.

i'm irritable

my uterus is that is...

i had my second NST (non stress test) yesterday morning and they've determined that the babies look great, but i have an "irritable uterus", which basically means near constant tiny little contractions with a few bigger ones thrown in. the doc checked me and my cervix is still long and closed. she instructed me to increase my fluid intake (i already drink like a camel) and rest rest rest! i spent most of yesterday on the couch and plan to do much of that today as well. i feel like these next few weeks are really important for the babies' growth. i'm 33 weeks now, and i'd like to make it to at least 35.5 or 36. this will really give the girls a good chance at leaving the hospital with me when i leave. around that time they develop the whole suck,swallow,breathe coordination, so that may help them avoid getting feeding tubes and all that. i have a growth u/s next monday and i'm hoping they are pushing 5 pounds each by that point.

i feel lucky i've made it this far with no major problems, so if i need to rest to keep these babies growing for a few more weeks, so be it. i can't wait to meet them, but i am willing to wait for them to grow some more to avoid the NICU.

30 Weeks

the babies are doing great, each measuring over 3 pounds!

my cervix is still holding strong.

weekly NST's (non stress tests) start next week

last growth u/s at 34 weeks

keep cooking babies!

getting closer!

my nutritionist appointment went well. she was a little horrified that none of my doctor's were concerned about my lack of weight gain. she herself had twins and was very knowledgeable about the added nutritional requirements. she has me focusing on getting in a ton of protein (100mg a day which is equivalent to 12-14 eggs!) i've been drinking carn.ation instant breakfast with an extra scoop of dry milk in the mornings and having a protein bar for one of my snacks. she also told me to eat ice cream once a day-no problems there! i have learned to spread out my carbs to not overload my system with glucose, as it seems to be unable to process it well. this just means having water with my meals and saving sweet drinks (ginger ale or lemonade) for in between meals and things like that. a little annoying, but totally doable. it all seems to be working as i have gained 2 pounds in the last 2 weeks.

i had an ob appointment this morning. i really liked this doctor (finally!) she measured my belly and i'm measuring 38 weeks!! (i'm 29 weeks) obviously that is totally normal since i'm carrying twins, but i was still surprised. no wonder i've been feeling so uncomfortable! i can't believe i still have 2 months to go. i can't imagine what i'll look like in the end. and speaking of the end, she went ahead and scheduled me for a c-section for aug 31st, which will be 38 weeks. it seems weird to have a set date, although i know they may come before that. i can't believe it's getting so close. i hope they stay cozy inside me for a while longer- no matter how uncomfortable i am. i'd love to have my babies come home with me when i leave the hospital.

Third Trimester!

i made it! i am officially in my third trimester. if the fort knox that is my cervix decided to let loose and let the babies out, they would actually have a fighting chance.

my belly button started popping out today, which grosses me out. i have always had sort of a deep belly button, so it's slowly been getting more and more shallow. the skin around my current bellybutton isn't used to seeing the light of day and is really soft and sensitive. weird.

my body does not feel like my own. it's large and round and hard to move it around like i used to. just rolling over from one side to the other in bed takes so much effort, usually i'm breathing heavily by the end of it. i feel punches and kicks and pops and gurgles often. anytime i get up from sitting for a while my legs feel like they have become detached from my body and it hurts right where my legs and my body intersect.

my food aversions have gotten stronger again, like in the beginning and meat is no longer my friend. i have even vomited a few times and gag every time i brush my teeth.

but there are two growing girls inside of me that make all these little annoyances and discomforts worth it. i can't believe in only 10 weeks (that's 70 days!) i will be considered term (37 weeks) it seems so close and so far all at once. i can't wait to see these babies and study their features and hear their little grunts and feel the warmth and the weight of them over my shoulder. but at the same time, i feel unprepared. the room isn't even painted, the cribs are not delivered, and they are still too small to come out. i am trying to imagine how life is going to change, but i know i won't know until i know. but i'm getting exited to find out.

results and shower

i called the ob this morning, AGAIN. i stressed that my test was a week ago and they had told me i would get the results the next day. the nurse said she would talk to the doctor and call me back. she called back within a few minutes. i do not have gestational diabetes, BUT one of my numbers was pretty high, just on the cusp of normal. they want me to meet with a nutritionist and they will have me do fasting blood draws at my appointments from now on so they can make sure it stays in the normal range.

i'm glad they are having me meet with a nutritionist since i've been asking to meet with one since the beginning. i am 26 weeks and i have still yet to gain any weight. i originally lost about 16-18 pounds, and have been regaining and re-losing that over and over. i am just at 1 pound over my pre pregnancy weight now. the ob seems to think this is a great thing and keeps telling me i'm lucky, but it seems counterintuitive since i'm trying to grow two humans. the MFM, although not too concerned, said i need to be eating more and gave me numbers that added up to 3000 calories a day! that just seems like too much. all the books say you should eat and gain a bunch for twins, but my doctors don't agree with that. i don't know who to listen to. i'm eating what i can when i can, but unfortunately still have many food aversions. i'm hoping the nutritionist will give me a plan i can believe in.

i had a growth u/s today. the babies are looking good, measuring 1 lb 11 oz and 1 lb 13 oz. baby A has turned herself head down but baby B is still transverse. mr. had an important work thing so my mom came and enjoyed seeing them. she had never seen an u/s like this since when she had her babies they didn't really do them and they weren't as clear. my cervix is still long and closed.

my shower was yesterday. we got lots of great stuff! lots of cute outfits, an er.go carrier and mo.by wrap, twin nursing pillow and twin lightweight stroller, lots of our cloth diapers (we are planning on using bum.genius 3.0) and diapering accessories, a very cute diaper bag and some super cute handmade quilts from my BFF that match their nursery. one of my girlfriends gave me 2 onesies that say."Wishes do come true" and i started crying. i can't believe i am lucky enough to be growing 2 healthy babies. getting things for them definitely made it feel a little more real. after opening the first few gifts of double of everything i stopped and was like,"oh my gosh i'm having TWO babies!" every once in a while it really hits me and sends me into a little bit of panic. but i can't wait :)

3 hour glucose

I had my 3 hour glucose tolerance test this past Tuesday. i was holding off posting until i had the results from the doctor, but since I STILL DON'T HAVE THEM, i figured i'd post about the test.

it was hell. i had my last snack at 8pm. i was not allowed to eat again until after the test the next day. normally i would have a small snack before bed around 10 and occasionally i even get up in the middle of the night and eat a nutri.grain bar because i'm so hungry. i still am only up 1 pound over my prepregnancy weight, but these babies need a lot of calories!

anywho, by the time i got to the lab i was hungry. they tested my urine and then drew some blood. i then drank an entire bottle of the super sugary orange drink (think old school mc.donald's orange drink with way too much syrup). for the 1 hour, i only have to drink about a third of the bottle.

i sat in the waiting room with my book. at the 1 hour mark i had my second blood draw of the day and was doing okay. but about 20 minutes before the 2 hour mark i started feeling really sick. i went to tell the lab lady (she told me to tell her when i felt sick) and asked her if i had to do it over if i threw up. i felt nauseous, lightheaded and my heart was pounding out of my chest. she had a nurse come get me and put me in a room so i could lie down. she checked my blood pressure, which was up and had me lie on my left side with an ice pack on the back of my neck so i didn't pass out. the lab lady came into the room at hour 2 for my 3rd blood draw.

lying down definitely helped a litte, but i was also starting to worry a little because the girls hadn't moved around in a while. next time the nurse checked on me i asked if someone would doppler me to make sure they were okay. just before hour 3 (my 4th and final blood draw) the midwife came in and i heard their beautiful heartbeats thumping away. i walked back to the lab for the final draw and then rushed out of there to get some food. by the time i left it was about 12 noon.

i still have not heard the results! i'm hoping that is a good sign and not a sign that they lost them and are going to tell me i have to do it all over again or something. i will update when i hear, hopefully monday? i also have an u/s on monday. mr. can't go so i think my mom is going to come, she is super excited :)

failure

i failed my 1 hour glucose tolerance test. damn.

i have the 3 hour one on june 1st. i have to fast for 12 hours, then they draw your blood, you drink the drink and sit in the waiting room and they draw your blood every hour for 3 hours. you heard that right, people, a starving pregnant woman with nothing but glucose pulsing through her getting 4 blood draws in a row. sounds lovely, doesn't it?

in better news, my last day of work is friday! woo hoo!! i am looking forward to having the summer off to gestate and sew and read and relax.

update

sorry, i know it's been a while.

at my last growth u/s last week, both girls were looking good, measuring in at 1lb 1 oz each. i asked the doc if i should be eating any more than usual to try to boost their weight and he said no. he said my job right now is to eat a balanced diet and rest as much as possible. he also gave us a little more info on the single umbilical artery situation that helped us feel a little better. he basically said because there are no other red flags, he thinks everything will be just fine and not to worry about it. he also said, if there is going to be any growth restriction because of it, it will probably not occur until closer to 30 weeks.

i've been moving my sewing room into our guest room and mr is moving his office into my old sewing room so that the office can transform into a nursery. we are just about ready to start painting! i have their closet all set up with a drawer unit for older sized clothing. mr. keeps remarking at how cute it is to see little outfits hanging in there :) we are going with a pink, orange and grass green nature theme with birds and owls. i can't wait to get it painted, cribs built and ready for the twins!

we've hit a couple of consignment and "mothers of multiples" sales and stocked up on some jammies and basics in bigger sizes. with two girls, i am happy to save money on used and hand me down clothing. we've gotten some great barely used looking carter's sleepers for $1! if i get the basics cheap, then i won't feel bad when i want to splurge on something really cute :)

we are going to have to tighten the belt a bit. i only work through the end of this month and then we will have to get used to living on just mr's salary. i am choosing my battles when it comes to baby gear. we are borrowing a lot of stuff like swings, bouncy seats, infant car seats, etc. and trying to get certain things used, the double snap n go, some clothes, umbrella strollers. there are certain things i want higher end, like a nice double jogger, video monitor, organic crib mattresses and the like, so we are saving where we can. my parents were nice enough to buy us both of our cribs, which has been a huge help. we are also cloth diapering so although that is a bigger upfront cost, it will save us money in the long run. i am hoping breastfeeding works out as well so we don't have the added expense of buying formula for two babies too.

my sister in law and a few friends are throwing me a shower in a few weeks. i am so excited! i have always enjoyed going to baby showers in the past up until the time when i was struggling to get pregnant. for the past two years or so they have been torture. i am really glad to be getting to enjoy it all again, and for my own babies even!

20 weeks!

i'm halfway there! i can't believe it. i am starting to get physically uncomfortable and it's getting harder to do the things i'm used to. i get tired out very easily and even my belly gets tired. i still am 2 pounds under my pre-pregnancy weight, but i'm sure i will start gaining steadily now.

at our 18 week u/s we got some possibly troubling news. Baby A has a "single umbilical artery" when there are supposed to be two. Because they found no other abnormalities, chances are she'll be fine and everything will be normal, but it's still worrisome. the biggest concern the doctors have at this point is whether she continues to grow at the same rate as Twin B. i will have monthly growth ultrasounds to check on this, but so far they are measuring exactly the same. we've decided not to tell anyone about this unless the doctors give us more definite information. i'm trying to stay positive and not consult google obsessively about this. although, if anyone has any personal experience with this i'd appreciate hearing about it.

we ordered the cribs yesterday. they take 3-4 months to come in, so that will allow us to hopefully get the room all set before the babies come. i've picked out curtains and a wall decal and a trees, birds and owls theme in pink, orange and grass green. we have some more rearranging to do and then mr. will paint the walls, probably a pale blue. i'm excited to get their room all ready! i'm hoping and praying everyday that both babies are healthy and that i am able to keep them in me growing happily for a long time, hopefully at least to 35 weeks. i have 5 more weeks of work and then i'll have the summer off to stay unstressed and rested to help keep them growing as long as i can, (even though i'm sure i'll be huge and hot and uncomfortable:)

cutting the cake

so i mentioned before we decided to find out the genders of the twins in a special way. we had the u/s tech write them down in a sealed envelope. neither of us peeked. we gave the envelope to my mom along with some pink and blue food coloring. she made a 2 layer cake with instructions to dye each layer either pink or blue depending on the sex of each baby. she then frosted it so we couldn't see. we had some friends and family over and, using the cake cutter from our wedding, we cut the cake.

it revealed.....2 pink layers!!

we are having twin girls!!

getting busy

literally. we had pregnant sex. actually, it was the first sex we've had since before i started stims for this IVF, way back in December. i had offered a few times over the last weeks, but mr. wouldn't have it. he was too nervous he would hurt me or the babies or cause something bad to happen. well, we finally did it and i cried. whoops. i think it was just a release of emotion and stress. it's happened to me before. (does this happen to other people?) it's a weird uncontrollable cry that sometimes can turn into laughter. anyways, i was also pushing mr.'s belly to protect my own. i think he summed it up best when after he said, "well, that was pretty much as awkward as i thought it would be."

so, i'm 18w2d. my belly continues it's rapid expansion. i'm starting to get more physically uncomfortable. i'm having a hard time bending to reach things on the floor (which is tough since i work with kids and am constantly picking stuff up). After sitting for a while, i have to stand or lay down to give my belly a break. i think it gets too squished in there. i know it is only going to get worse, so i'm trying to enjoy what i can for now. on friday we have our "BIG" ultrasound. we decided that mr. is going to find out the genders but i will not. he and my mom will make a two layer cake and dye each layer either pink or blue. then, on saturday my family and a few friends are coming over to "cut the cake" to find out who is in there. that is how i will find out. i'm really looking forward to knowing. my gut is telling me boy/girl, but we will see!

17w2d

Wow, just wow.

i am still in awe every day that i have finally made it here. i love my beautiful round belly and i am so happy that these babies are doing well. i think the fear and dead baby thoughts have finally moved way to the background. it helps that i have visual proof (my ever expanding belly) to prove that they have got to be growing. i know i still have a long ways to go, but for now i am at ease.

my friends and sister in law have set a date for a baby shower, for me. the first one in two years that i will actually smile through and enjoy. (don't worry it's not for a while)

mr and i picked out some cribs and will probably be ordering them when we get our tax returns back. (just an aside here, choosing cribs is fun, and they aren't as crazy expensive as i'd imagined however, much more scary when you have to buy two!)

i think this weekend we will start rearranging some rooms in our house to get ready for actual live babies to come live here. the room we were originally going to use as a nursery is too small for 2 cribs, so we are switching some things around. well, mr will be doing the heavy lifting as i tell him where to put things.

on april 16th, we will find out the genders (hopefully they will both cooperate) to tell my family and some close friends we are inviting everyone over for cake the next day. we will make a 2 layer cake with each layer dyed either pink or blue and then frost it so you can't see. when we cut the cake, everyone will find out together. fun!

i am getting big. i can't imagine what these next months will bring. i am starting to have a little more discomfort sleeping at night. i am breathless, especially when i lay down, which makes it even harder to sleep. i have to remember to eat before i get hungry or else i feel really sick and sometimes vomit. i am thirsty and panic if i don't have constant access to a bottle of water. i want ice cream every night, although i haven't broken down and bought any to put in the freezer so i've only gone out to get some a few times. the babies do need their calcium after all!

enjoying this moment

it dawned on me the other day that this may be the only pregnancy i'll ever have. i'm trying to enjoy it, and savor it. i'm tired and gaggy and i keep getting the cold all the kids have, but i'm not complaining. to be honest, i'm loving it.

i'm still in awe. my belly continues to expand and it's getting hard. i find my hand rubbing it constantly (something that used to make me cringe if i saw that so i try really hard to not do it in public) i have felt little twinges and rolls that i was convinced couldn't be the babies until i saw them on u/s yesterday and the one on the left (where i've been feeling those things) was kicking and rolling and dancing away. the doc agreed that that is probably what i've been feeling :)

for now, all the heartache and anger and pain of IF are in the past. i am so happy for what i finally have. i know my long struggle to get here helps me appreciate this pregnancy even more. now that i look pregnant, i feel special. i am grateful to my body for growing and protecting these precious little babies.

last night at prenatal yoga there was a woman there who is a gestational carrier for one of her friends. we talked about PIO shots and crin.one suppositories (she's on both) and i teared up telling her how much i admired what she was doing for a friend.

my struggle won't ever not be a part of who i am and where i've come from. but i'm so thankful and happy that it's not a part of my everyday. for those of you still struggling (who have probably long since stopped reading my blog, and that's okay) i really hope your painful journey ends joyfully. keep fighting the fight, it will all be worth it.

13w4d

wow! almost 14 weeks, i can't believe it.

the whole world now knows about the beautiful babies growing in my ever expanding belly. it's wonderful to share the news. although we have had our share of,"do twins run in your family?!" and,"did you take fertility drugs?" i am amazed that people can't just say, "congratulations, that is wonderful!" we are not secretive about our IVF with family and friends, but in some venues, you just don't want to get into it, or you are not close at all with the person asking.

oh, and about that belly, it is getting B-I-G! i look like a full on prego, and i've got the maternity jeans to prove it! i can't believe how fast it is growing, especially considering i lost 15 pounds originally and have only gained a few back. i would guess i look at least 20 weeks pregnant, maybe more. i was able to find a prenatal yoga class that i've been going to once a week. it's nice to do something since i've been told not to do "anything that will swing a ponytail". i have also been getting some sciatic pains down my butt and leg and the yoga has some good stretches to help it.

that's about all. my next OB appointment isn't until the 24th and the MFM on April 16th when we will find out the genders!! seems like a long way a way, but at least this belly is reassuring me that everyone is still growing in there. it's my birthday this weekend so mr.m is taking me into the big city for a show and dinner :)

mmmm...dinner....

12w2d

i made it to 12 weeks!!

we had an u/s this morning and the babies look great. it was so nice to see an u/s where they now look like real babies instead of the blurry blobs we are used to. they were rolling and kicking and waving and everything. the tech was trying to get the NT measurements (for down's syndrome testing) and had a little trouble with one of them, so we blissfully watched them on the screen for about a half hour.

we got great pictures of their profiles and are feeling a big sigh of relief. the MFM nurse (who we just met today) could tell we were nervous and when we were leaving she said,"i want to see big smiles, you don't have to worry anymore, you have two healthy babies!" i don't think the worry will ever end, but i do feel much better now that we've made it so far.

we are letting the cat out of the bag and telling the world our great news. it feels a little scary, but great all at the same time :)

what IF stole from me

as i lay in bed this morning, wondering how surf and turf were doing, secretly wishing i was married to tom crui.se if for no other reason than to have an u/s machine in my home, i was thinking of what IF has taken from me. TRUST. trust in my own body.

i used to workout and box with a trainer, and i always trusted my body to stay strong and grow stronger. i trusted it to tell me when i'd reached my limits. i trusted the warm cramping feeling that told me AF was on her way. i trusted my body to tell me when i was sick or needed a break. i trusted it to tell me when i was hungry or tired.

but now, i've lost that trust. i should be able to sit back and know that my body will keep my babies safe. that the food i'm eating will help them grow in all the right ways. i should trust that my uterus will expand and grow and properly contain them and cushion them from the outside world. i used to always think i would ultimately trust my body to deliver my baby-free of medications and forceps and scalpels.

the trust i previously had in my body has transformed in something else. trust in doctors and procedures and machines. now i look to the u/s machine and the doppler to tell me that my babies are okay. i look to doctors to tell me what my body and my babies need. and in my future, i may even have to resort to letting a doctor cut these babies out of me.

i miss the trusting relationship my body and i used to have. i miss being able to trust in my instincts, and trust my body to tell me when something was wrong. will i ever get that back?

excitement

this weekend seems to have been a turning point for me.

i am starting to feel really excited about this pregnancy, as opposed to the anxious, cautious hopefulness i felt before.

i can't wait to tell people! i can't wait to register and build cribs and sew curtains and decorate and get a big belly.

next wednesday is our first meeting with the MFM (maternal fetal medicine specialist) and we will get another u/s, so we have decided if all goes well with that we will spread the news. i will be 12w3d. (even though i've lost 13 pounds, my belly is totally popping and i will not be able to hide it much longer anyways)

i am finally hungry, although still very picky about what i eat. all i seem to want is hamburgers, peanut butter and jelly and honey nut cheerios. i'm trying to sneak in as many fruits and veggies as i can to balance that all out, although my doctor did give me free reign to "eat to my cravings." i am still totally exhausted. it may be related to the never ending cold i've had for over 2 weeks that turned into a sinus infection, but i think it is also pregnancy related. i am so lazy and i'm driving myself crazy because i have a lot of things i need to be doing and just can't seem to make them happen. i'm hoping what they say is true and that as i enter my second trimester (!!) in just a few short weeks i will regain my energy. i've got a lot to do before i get all big and uncomfortable!

it's all good

all is well with surf and turf :) my mind is at ease for the time being (until a few days before my next appointment probably)

she dopplered my belly (only one doppler) she was able to find one heartbeat loud and clear running about 160, but the other one kept moving around so she wasn't able to hear it long enough to measure. that was probably baby B since that was the one doing somersaults at the last u/s. it seemed she found them in different spots, so i didn't feel like it was the same baby we were hearing.

the doctor seemed unenthused. she seemed to be rushing me out of there. they also don't seem to agree with other things i've read about the importance of weight gain in early pregnancy for twins, which concerns me a little. she acted as if they don't want me gaining much more than i would with a singleton, whereas much of the stuff i've been reading recommends 20 pounds by 20 weeks and a pound a week from there at least. any one else who has had or has a twin pregnancy have any input on what their doc says?

OB appointment today

why do i get so anxious whenever i have an appointment??

i have been having dead baby thoughts and stressing out that something is wrong for the last few days. again, no reason to think this at all. i just saw the babies last week and everything was FINE. mr. feels the opposite, when i have an appointment, he feels relieved that we will get reassurance that all is well. i should feel this way too.

i am hoping i will hear the heartbeats by doppler today. i wonder if they do 2 dopplers at once to make sure they don't find the same heartbeat twice? i am 10w4d so i'm assuming the doppler will work, right?

i was supposed to stop progesterone support on wednesday. i had been on it twice per day. yesterday i did just one and i will try to not do any today, but i have to admit i'm a little afraid to stop.

why must we infertiles be so aware of everything that can go wrong? why can't i just sit back and enjoy this pregnancy? i think i'll feel better once i can feel them, but that isn't for a while.

Surf and Turf

that's what mr. has named the babies

and they are both fine!

they let me come in for an u/s yesterday and we saw both babies moving all around and both heartbeats were looking good. we even could see the arm and leg buds. (it was an external u/s and i was surprised at how big my uterus is! the babies were way up by my belly button. no wonder my pants won't button.)

Baby A was measuring 9w3d with a heartrate of 170

Baby B was measuring 9w1d with a heartrate of 172

I know i shouldn't have totally freaked out. After I saw the blood, I actually looked in the mirror at myself and said, "don't freak out". but as soon as i started talking to the nurse i lost it. i just thought about everything we've been through the last 2 years and i couldn't fathom dealing with any more pain and disappointment.

I felt a huge relief when we saw both heartbeats, and were reassured by the doctor that I probably just loosened a clot with all the puking/coughing/blowing my nose that's been happening since i've been sick. gross.

thank you, ladies, for all your support and kind words yesterday.

oh no

bleeding...

crying....

freaking out

9w3d

did i say in my last post that i was surprisingly calm about this whole pregnancy thing?!?

because now i'm freaking out again. mr. and i had a conversation about how there is probably nothing wrong, and there is no reason to think there is since there is no spotting/cramping/etc, but after everything we've been through, we are both nervous that the next appointment will bring more bad news, since that's what we are used to.

i'm trying to stay positive. i'm still slightly nauseous often and have trouble sleeping at night. also, without warning i get HUNGRY. and i'm talking, if i don't get food immediately i'm going to throw up, hungry. even though i've lost about 10 pounds, my belly is totally growing! it's hard to believe since the babies are only about an inch big at this point, but i look pregnant. which is a problem, since i'm still trying to hide it! i've been wearing my pants unbuttoned with a b-band, or low rise pants that button below my belly, or even yoga pants, all coupled with bigger tops, sweaters and hoodies. next week is school vacation, and an appointment with the OB, so maybe after that i will have to let the cat out of the bag- if i hear 2 perfect heartbeats on the doppler, we'll see. i've read that with twins you measure about the same as a singleton pregnancy 6-8 weeks ahead of you, so that makes me feel a little better, but it feels a little odd to look so pregnant and not even be out of the first trimester. if i'm this big now, i can't imagine how big i will be in the end. i'm only 5'2". i might just topple over with baby at some point.

only a few more weeks until we see the babies on u/s again. and we get out of this trimester and feel a little better about the chances of actually holding 2 healthy babies in the end of all of this. i'm excited that at this u/s they will actually look like babies, and not just white blobs inside a black blob.

still pregnant....

so, things are still going well.

i've been feeling pretty crappy, nauseous mostly all day, and i've had a few days that i couldn't keep anything down. i've also been really tired, but then i'm up in the night and unable to get restful sleep. but, so far yesterday was the only day i had to miss work because it was so bad, other than that it has been doable. i think i may have had a touch of a stomach bug or something yesterday, because it was just awful!

i met with the midwife a few days ago. that seemed fine, although they don't seem all that knowledgeable/comfortable with twin pregnancies. i will work with the OB as well as an MFM (maternal/fetal medicine specialist) i will see each once per month for now. i'm going to wait until i meet one of the doctors at the OB in a few weeks and then decide if i should look for someone else. i will also ask the MFM if they have an OB practice they recommend for being knowledgeable about twin pregnancies.

i'm surprisingly not totally freaking out about everything. i think since i feel crappy i am reassured that they are still in there and growing. although, i am very much looking forward to hearing the heartbeats and seeing the babies again. i keep just thinking, i can't believe we are having two babies! i truly do feel doubly blessed.

2 strong heartbeats!!

the most beautiful thing i've ever seen.

both babies are measuring 6w4d, just a few days behind, which is normal for twins.

Baby A's heartrate was 128

Baby B's heartrate was 131.

i have been booted out of the RE's care and onto a regular OB with regular pregnant people.

i am feeling nauseous and exhausted with waves of dizziness and loving every minute of it.

feeling pregnant

the last few days have brought some nausea, dizziness and exhaustion. i find that if i try to eat every 2 hours or so, i feel a little better. it is worst in the morning until about 10 and then gets bad again in the evenings. i out of know where become STARVING, but nauseous at the same time, so nothing seems appetizing. the good thing is, it's pretty healthy things that i can tolerate, like yogurt, crackers with peanut butter and soup. i'm trying to eat lots of protein and folic acid. mr. found out there is lots of both in chick peas and lentils and has been trying to force feed me these things and these things only. (i happen to have some texture issues and hate both) my mom made me some beef stew loaded with beans, veggies and lentils which i've been eating too. i ordered some "preggy pops" along with a book on twin pregnancy. if anyone has any suggestions on good twin and/or pregnancy books, i'd love to hear them. part of me didn't want to order the book, in case we get bad news next week, but the other part of me feels like i really need to start reading about this stuff! i also think i need to find a bella band, since i pretty much have my pants unbuttoned at all times.

i am relieved that i am feeling sick, and feeling "pregnant". i am hoping this is a good sign and we will see 2 heartbeats at our u/s on monday. i will be 7 weeks at that point, so we should definitely see them, right?

quick update

2 gestational sacs

plus

2 yolk sacs

snuggled in my uterus

equals

1 sigh of relief

so far so good.

did i eat too much?

um, i just had a very disturbing discovery.

i was feeling some abdominal discomfort and i realized i needed to undo the button of my pants.

now, i know i've been a little hungrier than usual, and i was just on vacation, which meant more restaurant meals, but really? i'm only 5w4d so there is no way that is the reason for my expanding waist, is there?

one more day of work to get through and then we will know what is going on. U/S is tomorrow afternoon!!

beta #2

so i was able to get some blood drawn in florida, and my second beta was

1937 :)

they told me it was high enough, so i didn't have to go in for a third. which was a relief at the time because getting the second done was a catastrophy! i forget how good i have it with great insurance. i found a lab in florida and they told me i didn't need an appointment and that although it was first come first serve, they moved pretty quickly. that was a LIE! i waited for 2 and a half hours!! they had 2 people drawing blood and 2 people working the front desk, and there were about 50 people waiting for labwork! after 1h 45m, i went up to one of the ladies at the desk. i very kindly asked her if she could tell me how many more people were ahead of me. (i was ready to leave, as i had 3 kids at the hotel waiting for me to get back to go to Sea.world because i had the rental car) her reply was, "that would mean i'd have to look at the list."

what?!? you mean the list on the clipboard right next to you? seriously?

it was a nightmare. when they finally called me in, they took forever saying they couldn't do out of state orders even though i had called the day before and my insurance company told me to go there. then i went into the room and the lady had to leave twice to gather supplies. seriously, you are drawing blood here, don't you think you should stock the rooms appropriately? then, she took blood from my forearm! about halfway between my elbow and wrist. i have never had blood drawn there and i don't understand that. and lastly, they were REUSING the tie offs for peoples arms. are you kidding me?!? we are dealing with blood here people.

anyway. now i'm wishing i had a third number for reassurance. go figure.

i have been having some pulling and twinges in my uterine area. it's kind of freaking me out. it's totally freaking mr. out. he made me call the nurse this morning. the one thing that is reassuring is that it is on both sides. the chance of having a double ectopic can't be that high, right?

friday is my 6 week u/s. (i'll be 5w5d) i am terrified! i am terrified that there is not actually anything growing in there. i am terrified of them handing me a piece of paper that says, "empty uterus, suspected ectopic" like they did last time. i think my worst fear is that one is ectopic and the other is in the uterus all happy. what do they do? do they make you terminate both? i think i would ask them to try to take out that tube and try and save the one in my ute. (i know, i know, i'm crazy thinking through all these scenarios, but knowing how i'll react in the worst case scenarios helps me feel better)

i was talking to a friend who just began testing with an RE. we were talking about how admitting there is something wrong and seeking treatment forces you to give up the romantic idea of getting pregnant. i feel like my last BFP took away the romantic idea of actually seeing that second line, since it ended in an ectopic. now i can't even get excited until i am reassured that everything is okay. i really hope everything is okay.

and the results are in....

beta #1, 10dp5dt is......

466!!!

woo hoo!

now of course my doctor is mad at me that i won't be in state for follow-up beta's on Friday and next Monday. (they want to monitor me more closely because of my previous ectopic. so now i'm off to google around and see if i can find a hospital or fertility clinic or something that will do bloodwork for me on those days in Florida. the nurse told me if i don't there will be "a note on my permanent record that i went against medical advice" sounds scary...hmm... let's hope i can find someone who's willing to take my blood!

updates

sorry for the lack of posting during my vacation.

so, out of the 21 eggs, all of them fertilized. on day 5 we transferred 2 expanded blastocysts and still had 5 or 6 embies that may have made it to freeze. unfortunately only 1 made it, but i am happy that we at least have one. and hopefully we won't need it any time soon.

according to multiple pee sticks, it looks like i just may be pregnant. my beta is tomorrow. i am happy, but i don't think i'll get excited until i see on u/s that it isn't ectopic like last time.

i am randomly craving orange juice and wheat thins, just like last time.

i don't mean to be greedy, and i will be happy with anything but an ectopic, but i really hope it's twins :)

i will update with my beta # tomorrow afternoon, but then i am off to sunny florida for a week to cheer on my dad and brother as they run the dis.ney marathon!

Happy New Year!