RE appointment

friday, mr.m and i met with the RE to discuss next steps.  he recommended moving forward with the thaw cycle, beginning after my NEXT period.  i didn't want to skip a month, and when i explained that, he said, "well, you want to get pregnant don't you?"  his take on it is that my body needs a month to get all of the meds from last cycle out of my system, as well as to completely shed the lining from that cycle as well.  he is sure this will increase our chance of success.  if i don't get my period on my own, he will give me provera on 7/27.  i trust him.  the place i go has the best success rates in the area, so i figure they've got a formula they like to stick to.  he did agree to put 2 blasts in.  (we have 2 expanded blasts that they will thaw first and 1 early blast in case one of the others doesn't survive)

over the next 4 weeks, i am going to go to a trainer 3 days a week and also try to eat nothing but healthy food.  over the last few months, my exercise has kind of dwindled and i'd like to feel good and maybe lose a few pounds that i gained from all the hormones and stress.  

especially if i'm going to be eating for 3....

i don't want a break

i'm feeling a little better today.  one of my girlfriends invited me and mr. over for tacos and beer last night.  it was a very nice gesture and was just what i needed.  

i've decided i would like to express some concerns to the RE tomorrow about taking a break.  i don't want to take a break and here are the reasons i'm going to bring up with him.

1. i feel like we just had a 2 month break.  i had an IUI in march, april's cycle was cancelled and may i was on BCP getting ready for my june IVF.

2. i feel like a FET (frozen embryo transfer) IS a break.  it gives my body a little break because there will be no stimming, no retrieval surgery, etc.

3.  i'm working part time in july and i took all of august off.  i'd rather use that time to get to all the appointments, etc. rather than push things into september when i will be working full time again and busy with new kids and the start of school.  families depend on me for childcare and any day i need off, they are left without it.

i'm not sure he'll agree, but i figure it's worth a shot.  i also want to double check with the insurance people that i will still be approved for a fresh cycle if the thaw cycle doesn't work.  originally i was only approved for 2 IVF cycles and the nurse told me the thaw cycle does count as an IVF.  if i can only do one more, i'd rather do another fresh cycle.  the nurse doesn't think it will be a problem since i have the insurance with the best infertility coverage, but i would want to double check before the thaw cycle.

i'm really glad the RE is going to see us tomorrow.  i'm interested in seeing if they learned any more information during this last cycle that may improve our chances next time.  we were never told the letter grades of our embryos so i'd like to know that too.  i also want to ask him what our chances are of conceiving on our own without medical intervention.  i think mr. needs to hear it from the horses mouth.  he still keeps talking about "trying for another year on our own" which frustrates me to no end.

 

crying and TMI about my sex life

for some reason, i am taking this negative pregnancy test much harder than any of the others over the past year.  even though i had little faith it would work out, i think a part of me felt more hope because, i mean, the doctor's created the beginnings of life and put it right where it needed to be.  i know my chances were about 50/50, but still....why shouldn't it work?

i spent the day quiet and alone yesterday, although i didn't cry.  mr.m was sad too and we went out for sushi and beer.  last night we had sex for the first time in a long while.  (funny how little sex you have when trying to have a baby..)  we weren't allowed to have sex when i was stimming or after the retrieval, so it had been a good couple of weeks.

it started out a little awkward as mr. tried rubbing my hips and hit my bruises from all the PIO shots.  and then as we got into a little, it all hit me like a ton of bricks.....the shots, the bruises, the side effects.  my insides have been a pathway for ultrasound wands and speculums, needles and catheters, not pleasure.  i was so glad he couldn't see me in the darkness, as i was fighting back tears, waiting for it to be over.  (sounds horrible, doesn't it?)  as soon as he was done, i lost it.  i heaved and sobbed for all that i've been through over the last few months. i cried over the baby that didn't grow inside of me and over my body that keeps on betraying me.  i cried over all of my fertile friends and not being able to share in what they have.  and i cried about having to keep on waiting and will this waiting ever end.  i cried at the thought of never getting to feel someone kicking me from the inside, and at the possibility of being in this same place in another year.

i can't handle being infertile today.  it's just not fair.  i can't even talk to any of my real life friends. i can't even say it out loud.  i sent them an impersonal mass email telling them it didn't work and not to ask me about it.  i can barely keep it together today.

thank you, all of you, for being there and writing your story and reading along with mine.  i truly feel like it's the only thing that allows me to keep putting one foot in front of the other.  i hope that this painful journey ends happily for us all.

but for today, i am just crying.

no change for me

over the last few weeks and months, i have been slowly moving blogs from the "infertility" section on my sidebar to the "pregnant" one.  this blog will not be changing to a pregnancy blog anytime soon.

i am not pregnant.

i'm choking back tears and the urge to call and cry to mr.  i don't want him to hear the news at work though, because i know it'll crush him too.  he gets to have a few more hours to hope.

my doctor wants to meet with us both on friday to discuss things and sign consents for a FET.  he wants me to take a month off first, which i'm not psyched about, but he thinks that'll improve our chances.  maybe i can motivate to lose a few pounds while we wait, which can't hurt either.

last day to hope

i just got back from giving my blood for my beta.  i should hear back from the nurse between 1 and 5 today.

i am feeling bipolar today.  one minute i am about to cry, sure that this didn't work, the next minute, hope creeps in and i'm smiling.  mr. is still so hopeful.  since the transfer he has been saying, "you ARE pregnant until someone tells us otherwise."  i hope he's right.  and i hope he's not crushed later on today.  we agreed that no matter what the result, i will not call him today.  i'll pick him up from the train station and tell him tonight. he wanted me to let them leave a message on the machine and we'd listen to it together, but i didn't want to do that for a number of reasons.  first, i don't want to wait any longer than i have to! second, i kept imagining us standing next to the phone, feeling all anxious, only to have them to say "sorry, it didn't work." then we'd just feel pathetic. and lastly, i'm kind of a loner.  if i am not pregnant, i rather just spend the rest of the day being alone with my sadness, not talking to anyone.  if i am pregnant, i'll have some time to plan a way to tell him.

so that's that.  i'll update the news when i hear.

thanks!

thanks for all the support and reassurance, ladies!  the spotting is slowing down and after googling all day yesterday i definitely feel better about it.

my beta is tomorrow....

oh no

i'm bleeding.

just a little, when i wipe.

:(

please tell me this is normal...

feeling lost

i feel like i am just waiting for each day to pass.  i have been so exhausted and therefore not able to go out and do anything to keep my mind busy.  it feels weird not to be going to the doctor for various bloodwork and ultrasounds, etc.  today it is a rainy miserable day and i'm feeling pretty rainy and miserable.  i have this sinking feeling that this try at IVF was not successful and it's really hitting me as to what that means. 

i just want to curl up and have the day pass quickly.  maybe i'll on-demand a chick flick and put my pj's back on.  i have some plans for the weekend that will hopefully preoccupy my mind, and then i just have to get through monday.  

i just want to know, good or bad. if it's good news, then, well, that's good! but if it's the bad news i'm thinking it will be, at least then we can jump back on the horse and begin the next steps.  

frozen embies

we received a letter in the mail informing us that 3 of our embryos made it to freeze!  i'm glad we found this out before the beta (which is tuesday, by the way).  i think it will be easier to cope with a negative result knowing we can do a FET next.  that will give my body a little bit of a break from all the shots and retrieval and such.

mr. still seems very hopeful. i am pretty much convinced it didn't work.  although, i think mostly because i'm trying to protect myself.

mantra

i will not pee on a stick

i will not pee on a stick

i will not pee on a stick

i will not pee on a stick

random thoughts about the wait

still here, just waiting and trying to keep my mind from getting too attached or hopeful.  i am also trying to keep mr.m from getting too attached or hopeful too.  i feel like i need to protect him from the possible heartache by reminding him that this might not work.  he is so hopeful.  he calls me and asks how our blastocyst is doing.  he kisses my belly.   i know he doesn't read all these heartbreaking stories of what other people have gone through (like i do, i'm a blog addict) to know what could happen.  part of me is glad he is unaware, but at the same time, i need to protect him from getting too excited.  does that make sense?

i'm tired from the progesterone and the lack of caffeine. (okay, i've been having a little half caf)  my boobs are so sore that when i bend over in the morning without a bra on i feel like the insides of my breast are falling out of my nipple.  doctor's orders are no sex and no orgasms until the beta. (and no caffeine, alcohol or fake sugar)

so here's the dilemma,

a lot of people know that we are going through IVF.  our families, friends, and my clients.  as i've mentioned, i run a small part time child care business out of an addition on our house. because i was going to have to take days off with little notice and change my hours to make it back from morning labs and u/s, i told the families that come here about it as well.  a few of them have gone through it, so they have been really helpful.  it's been great to have so much support during all of this and to have the chance to educate the people in our lives about infertility and the process of IVF. 

however, the big problem is with the result.  because so many people know and are hoping and praying for us, they will want to know if it worked.  most of them ask, "so, when do you find out?!?"  we realize we are probably going to have to tell people if we do get pregnant even though we'd prefer to wait at least until the first u/s (and 12 weeks for many of them!).  and then, what if i miscarry?  that will be hard to have to relive over and over telling people.  on a sheet we were given about 'surviving the wait',  the clinic recommends picking one person to spread the word either way. i don't know if this will really work for us either.

so far we decided not to tell anyone the actual date we will find out.  we are being vague, saying, "in a few weeks"  that way, no matter what the result, we can have the info ourselves for a few days before we have to share it. but what do we do?? should we send out an email to the effect of "thanks for the support and good thoughts, but please don't ask if we're pregnant?"  i don't know.  any advice  about what to do is welcome.

there's something in there

one beautiful expanded blastocyst is inside of my uterus.

i hope the little one is finding it comfy and cozy in there and finds a nice cushy spot to nestle in and stick around a while.

even though they just told me to take it easy, i'm totally crazy and laying down and i don't want to sit up for fear of squishing him.

waiting

this whole infertility thing is a big game of hurry up and wait

wait to ovulate, wait to try, wait to find out, wait for doctor's instructions....

but is it bad that i don't want to leave the house because i just want to wait for the nurse to call me and tell me what time my transfer is tomorrow? i feel like i just want to sit on the couch and stare at the phone, willing it to ring all day long like a crazy person....

anyway, 

i enjoyed lots of UNpasteurized and soft cheeses last night with a nice glass of wine.  maybe a little hopeful of an activity, but, oh well

i'm back down to .5lbs below my pre retrieval weight.  woo hoo.

i actually feel normal today for the first time in a long time.  

hopefully that's the last of that.....

transfer

the embryos are still doing well, i will have a day 5 transfer on saturday.  they will only transfer 1 embryo this try, unless there are no grade A embies, then the doctor is willing to discuss putting 2 in.

this is finally sinking in that i may actually get pregnant.  i am trying not to think about it too much, i don't want to get my hopes up, but at the same time i'm trying to stay calm and positive.  it's a delicate balance i suppose.

i'll let you know how it goes on saturday.  i suppose i should have some wine and some brie tomorrow night....

for those of you that have done this before, what does your doctor recommend for after the transfer? bedrest? just take it easy? for how long?

one more thing, the bloat is finally going down a little.  i lost .8 pounds since yesterday.

how many embies?

15!!

YAY!  15 little embryos seem to be doing well.  they have scheduled my transfer for tomorrow morning, but they will call me at 8:30 and let me know if it will be moved to saturday.  the nurse said it is more likely that it will be saturday since there are so many and they seem to be doing well.

fingers crossed!

bloat

oh my, i sure am bloated and sore.  i was given instructions to eat lots of protein, and drink a gallon of fluid per day, half of which has to be gatorade.  i am doing all those things, but i have gained 2.5 pounds of fluid since the retrieval.  i think it's okay, they said to expect to gain 1-2 pounds and call if i was gaining more than 2 pounds per day. the 2.5 pounds was over 2 days, so i think it's okay, but i feel sore and bloated!  i actually caught myself doing a version of the pregnancy waddle where i was moving with my belly first.  i feel like i can't bend over.  i hope this goes away soon.

21 Oocytes!!

my retrieval was this morning and they got 21 eggs!!  i will find out more on the development on wednesday afternoon.  assuming all goes well, my transfer will be thursday or saturday :)

for those of you interested, or who may have to go through it someday, here's how the day went...

i had to stop eating and drinking as of midnight. i was to arrive at the place at 8am for a 9am retrieval.  i couldn't wear any jewelry, contacts or anything scented. (apparently eggs and embies do not like odors)

i have to admit, i was terrified!  i kept telling myself, 'it's only a needle, you are used to needles' and 'you won't feel a thing'.  but i was scared.

when i got there, they had me change into a johnny and gave me warm blankets.  they asked a few questions, confirmed my identity and started the IV. they had to put it into the bruise in my arm from saturdays bloodwork. ew. then the anesthesiologist came in and talked to me.  i had never been put under or had any type of surgery before.  

they wheeled me in early (the person who was supposed to go before me was late because of  an accident on the highway.  i was also held up by this but gave myself 2 hours to get to the place which is 45 min away.  it took me the whole 2 hours)

the lights were dim. when i sat on the table, the embryologist came in and introduced herself and checked my identity.  (she was pretty and kind, take care of my embies!)  then the doc performing the surgery checked my id, and then the nurse.  they had me scoot down on the table and put my legs in stirrups.  they are bigger and higher than the regular ones and hold you at the knee.  the last thing i remember is them asking me to do one more scoot.  the next thing i knew, i was waking up in the recovery room with mr holding my hand and the nurse beside me.  i was groggy and started to feel sore right away.  the nurse put something into my IV for the pain.  a few minutes later i was starting to feel better.  i took some tylen.ol and had crackers and ginger ale.  about 15 minutes later, the cramping felt manageable and i felt awake.  they had me try to pee.  i couldn't.  i drank 3 cups of water and tried again.  i still couldn't go!

i was almost starting to worry.  i read the book SO CLOSE by Tertia Albertyn.  i remembered she had talked about not being able to pee after one of her retrievals and had to be hospitalized.  the nurse ran the water, and gave me a magazine to try to get my mind off of it.  the problem was whenever i relaxed, i felt some pain, so i tensed up again. their final trick was to pour warm water on myself.  i finally went and i was able to go home.   

i am sleepy and a little sore, but overall doing alright.  

quick update

i'll write more later, but i wanted to write a quick update while i have internet (it's been in and out all weekend)

yesterday the left ovary caught up.  there are now 28 measurable follies!! (16-20mm)

after much drama after missing the phone call from the doc because my home phone was out (and i have no cell service at home) i finally got my instructions.  (more on that later)

i triggered last night at 9pm and my retreival is MONDAY at 9 AM

i'm freaking out.

and my ovaries feel like they are going to explode!

but, NO SHOTS TODAY!!

she said, "holy moly!" *updated*

no kidding, 

first the u/s tech checked out my left ovary.  there were 3 measurable follicles, (11, 12, 13mm) and lots more that were under 10.  she then moved over to my right ovary and exclaimed,

 "HOLY MOLY!"  

i said, "yeah, my right side has been killing me"

"no wonder" she said," there are 12 big follicles!"(i forget all the measurements, most were 12 or 13, a few were 15 and 16)

she then proceeded to ask how much meds i was on and how many follicles i had before (on clomid) (1 the first time and zero the second)

she told me it was a party in there!

hopefully my blood results are equally as good.  back again everyday now until i trigger.  i will update this afternoon when i hear back from the nurse.

***UPDATE: The nurse called back and said I am responding well.  She didn't tell me my levels of anything, which is fine since i wouldn't know what they meant and would be consulting dr. google about them anyway.  one less thing to worry about.  I am to reduce my gonal.f to 150 tonight and tomorrow and go for bloodwork and u/s on saturday.

i hope this means they're workin'

ouch

my ovaries are sore and achy.  i am very aware of them.  it is mild to moderately bothersome.

i sure hope this means they are growing eggs like crazy 

(but not too crazy)