Wednesday, June 24, 2009

crying and TMI about my sex life

for some reason, i am taking this negative pregnancy test much harder than any of the others over the past year.  even though i had little faith it would work out, i think a part of me felt more hope because, i mean, the doctor's created the beginnings of life and put it right where it needed to be.  i know my chances were about 50/50, but still....why shouldn't it work?

i spent the day quiet and alone yesterday, although i didn't cry.  mr.m was sad too and we went out for sushi and beer.  last night we had sex for the first time in a long while.  (funny how little sex you have when trying to have a baby..)  we weren't allowed to have sex when i was stimming or after the retrieval, so it had been a good couple of weeks.

it started out a little awkward as mr. tried rubbing my hips and hit my bruises from all the PIO shots.  and then as we got into a little, it all hit me like a ton of bricks.....the shots, the bruises, the side effects.  my insides have been a pathway for ultrasound wands and speculums, needles and catheters, not pleasure.  i was so glad he couldn't see me in the darkness, as i was fighting back tears, waiting for it to be over.  (sounds horrible, doesn't it?)  as soon as he was done, i lost it.  i heaved and sobbed for all that i've been through over the last few months. i cried over the baby that didn't grow inside of me and over my body that keeps on betraying me.  i cried over all of my fertile friends and not being able to share in what they have.  and i cried about having to keep on waiting and will this waiting ever end.  i cried at the thought of never getting to feel someone kicking me from the inside, and at the possibility of being in this same place in another year.

i can't handle being infertile today.  it's just not fair.  i can't even talk to any of my real life friends. i can't even say it out loud.  i sent them an impersonal mass email telling them it didn't work and not to ask me about it.  i can barely keep it together today.

thank you, all of you, for being there and writing your story and reading along with mine.  i truly feel like it's the only thing that allows me to keep putting one foot in front of the other.  i hope that this painful journey ends happily for us all.

but for today, i am just crying.


S said...

There are no words, so I will just say I'm sorry.

You have been in my thoughts. And I share your feelings about the unfairness of IF.

A Few Good Sperm said...

I'm so sorry, all I can say is IF sucks! I too have experienced the crying during/after sex. For some reason it brings up a lot of emotions. Plus it would remind me of how sex would never be enough to make a baby. It's good you were able to let some grief out though.

sunflowerchilde said...

This is a beautiful, emotional post. I'm so sorry you're going through this.

Just me said...

I'm sorry. :( I'm feeling much the same way you do. It just sucks. And it's not fair.

Cry all you need to! But I do hope you feel a little better soon.


Liv said...

Oh, so heartbreaking. Makes me want to cry for you just reading about it. I'm so sorry. I wish I coul wave that magic wand to take it all away.

Hold onto each other tight this week as you pick up the pieces.

Beautiful Mess said...

I'm so sorry sweetie! Cry, sob, do the "ugly" cry, whatever you need to do. Let it all out, as much as you can at least. We're here for you, ALWAYS! Sending you much love and peace!

birdsandsquirrels said...

Oh, hun, I am so sorry. I know those breakdown cries, the heaving sobs and snot and tears. Sometimes I would feel a little better after getting it all out. There's nothing I can say to make it better, but know that I am thinking of you. As Mel says, do whatever you need to do to get through this. Many hugs.

myemptynest said...

i just came across your blog. i am so sorry that your first IVF didn't work out. my cousin told me that her RE told her that she shouldn't be surprised if the first one didn't work because your body is adjusting to the meds etc. and that the 2nd one is the one she should look towards. I know that sounds crazy but I think there is still a lot of hope. But I feel your tears and your pain as i too have cried many many helpless tears. thanks for sharing your story.