i spent the day quiet and alone yesterday, although i didn't cry. mr.m was sad too and we went out for sushi and beer. last night we had sex for the first time in a long while. (funny how little sex you have when trying to have a baby..) we weren't allowed to have sex when i was stimming or after the retrieval, so it had been a good couple of weeks.
it started out a little awkward as mr. tried rubbing my hips and hit my bruises from all the PIO shots. and then as we got into a little, it all hit me like a ton of bricks.....the shots, the bruises, the side effects. my insides have been a pathway for ultrasound wands and speculums, needles and catheters, not pleasure. i was so glad he couldn't see me in the darkness, as i was fighting back tears, waiting for it to be over. (sounds horrible, doesn't it?) as soon as he was done, i lost it. i heaved and sobbed for all that i've been through over the last few months. i cried over the baby that didn't grow inside of me and over my body that keeps on betraying me. i cried over all of my fertile friends and not being able to share in what they have. and i cried about having to keep on waiting and will this waiting ever end. i cried at the thought of never getting to feel someone kicking me from the inside, and at the possibility of being in this same place in another year.
i can't handle being infertile today. it's just not fair. i can't even talk to any of my real life friends. i can't even say it out loud. i sent them an impersonal mass email telling them it didn't work and not to ask me about it. i can barely keep it together today.
thank you, all of you, for being there and writing your story and reading along with mine. i truly feel like it's the only thing that allows me to keep putting one foot in front of the other. i hope that this painful journey ends happily for us all.
but for today, i am just crying.