Tuesday, June 16, 2009

random thoughts about the wait

still here, just waiting and trying to keep my mind from getting too attached or hopeful.  i am also trying to keep mr.m from getting too attached or hopeful too.  i feel like i need to protect him from the possible heartache by reminding him that this might not work.  he is so hopeful.  he calls me and asks how our blastocyst is doing.  he kisses my belly.   i know he doesn't read all these heartbreaking stories of what other people have gone through (like i do, i'm a blog addict) to know what could happen.  part of me is glad he is unaware, but at the same time, i need to protect him from getting too excited.  does that make sense?

i'm tired from the progesterone and the lack of caffeine. (okay, i've been having a little half caf)  my boobs are so sore that when i bend over in the morning without a bra on i feel like the insides of my breast are falling out of my nipple.  doctor's orders are no sex and no orgasms until the beta. (and no caffeine, alcohol or fake sugar)

so here's the dilemma,

a lot of people know that we are going through IVF.  our families, friends, and my clients.  as i've mentioned, i run a small part time child care business out of an addition on our house. because i was going to have to take days off with little notice and change my hours to make it back from morning labs and u/s, i told the families that come here about it as well.  a few of them have gone through it, so they have been really helpful.  it's been great to have so much support during all of this and to have the chance to educate the people in our lives about infertility and the process of IVF. 

however, the big problem is with the result.  because so many people know and are hoping and praying for us, they will want to know if it worked.  most of them ask, "so, when do you find out?!?"  we realize we are probably going to have to tell people if we do get pregnant even though we'd prefer to wait at least until the first u/s (and 12 weeks for many of them!).  and then, what if i miscarry?  that will be hard to have to relive over and over telling people.  on a sheet we were given about 'surviving the wait',  the clinic recommends picking one person to spread the word either way. i don't know if this will really work for us either.

so far we decided not to tell anyone the actual date we will find out.  we are being vague, saying, "in a few weeks"  that way, no matter what the result, we can have the info ourselves for a few days before we have to share it. but what do we do?? should we send out an email to the effect of "thanks for the support and good thoughts, but please don't ask if we're pregnant?"  i don't know.  any advice  about what to do is welcome.


Just me said...

I feel the EXACT same way about my husband. I don't know why I feel like I need to protect him (the man carries a gun for a living, for goodness sake) but I do. I've even contemplated not telling him if beta #1 comes back pos until I get a beta #2 that doubles because I don't want him disappointed if it's chemical. :(

I've been very vague about when my beta is too with people. (Mine's the 25th I think.) The only person (other than my best friend who I did tell) that has asked is a coworker and I just told her "Not until after school is out."

With our parents, we knew both our moms were likely to continue asking how things were going, if we'd heard anything, etc etc, so we told both sets "We'll let you know when and if we have good news." The message being, unlike most situations, no news is NOT good news. LOL

Hang in there!!!! I haven't given up the coffee completely, but DAMN I miss my wine!

Beautiful Mess said...

You're doing a great job protecting your hubby. That's so sweet and very caring of you!

I like what Just me suggested. Maybe let them know when you're ready you'll tell them. Being vague will work, for only a short time!

Liv said...

I totally get the husband protecting. Marvy got teary eyed the other day thinking about a very hopeful cycle back in November that resulted in our first BFN as a couple. He claims it was allergies...yeah right! My heart broke to pieces.

Unfortunately I have no way of lessoning the blow to him. He has been so wanting this to work now. Poor guy is going to be devastated tomorrow if the RE tells us the beta is 0 like the last three times. And I feel hopeless to keep that from happening!

And as far as telling people results...

Be vague, be vague, be vague! And when that doesn't work, channel your inner politician and Lie, Lie, Lie.

Honestly, most people that you are describing that you interact with really don't have a right to the truth. I know that sounds terrible. I am a very honest person and I have a lot of people in my life that "know" what we are currently going through and I know they will ask. But I really believe that you have the justification to pull a "I will not run for President in 2008. (two years later...) ---> I announce my canidacy for President of the United States!"

Dude you just totally lied back there. Yet we still vote for these people.

IRL person: So, what's the result are you pregnant?
You: Well, not yet. Silence.
IRL person: Oh, I'm sorry.
You: Thanks, maybe next time.

When in reality you meant:
"Well, not yet" = you don't yet get to know AND "Thanks, maybe next time" = maybe next time you'll get the answer!

So, do whatever you need to do for you so long as you can live with the consequences. With my friends - I know that when I do tell them after I've sorta lied for a few weeks they will totally understand. And I'm sure the same goes for your inner circle.