embies!

i spoke with one of the doctor's today. apparently i answered the questions from the nurse wrong and they were worried i had over stimmed. they wanted to freeze all my embryos and wait on the transfer! i spoke with him at length and explained that i am SO much better off than i was the first time and that i felt i would be fine by day 5. i think they had flagged me because my e2 was twice what it was the first time. turns out, thats just means i had more mature eggs! he gave me the lowdown on my embryos- 17 fertilized, 9 are currently "grade A". YAY!! he said everything looks really great and the embryos look much better than the first time.

i have a tentative transfer scheduled tomorrow afternoon, but chances are they will call in the am and tell me to wait until saturday.

i am feeling happy and excited that my embies are looking better than before. i can't wait to get them back inside me and hope for a christmas miracle :)

retrieval

my retrieval was this morning. i was so nervous, even though i knew what to expect. last time, my insides hurt so much i couldn't pee after i woke up for over an hour. this time i didn't hurt nearly as bad and i was able to go right away. i slept the day away and i'm just waking up.

they got 21 eggs!!

my clinic doesn't do a "fert report", so i have to wait until wednesday afternoon to find out how things are going. they will tentatively schedule my transfer for 12/24, but if things still look good that morning, they will bump me to a day 5 transfer on 12/26.

updates

so here are a few updates.

on friday, i had 14 follicles between 15-20mm. that night i decreased my dose to 150 of gonal.f

on saturday, i had 21 follicles 15-23mm. i triggered sat night and my retrieval is tomorrow morning.

i am feeling quite bloated and kind of crappy. although i'm looking forward to moving on with this cycle, i am feeling very anxious about tomorrow. at least i know what to expect this time, but last time i hurt so much i couldn't pee for over an hour and i was VERY uncomfortable and miserable for 3 days. i can't stop thinking about huge needles piercing my vaginal wall. ouch.

the good part is, my transfer will be either xmas eve or the day after xmas. hopefully we will get our christmas miracle :)

merry christmas everyone! and best wishes for a great new year full of blessings and joy.

follie check

I had my first follicle check today.

Right side has 5 follies, the largest is 14mm
Left side has 8 follies, the largest is 15mm.

I've been on 187.5 of Gon.al-F since the 11th, which is less than I was on for my first IVF as they think I may have overstimmed the first round which resulted in less than stellar egg quality. I will find out this afternoon more about how I will proceed. I am guessing my retrieval will be some time next week, hopefully before xmas enough so that I won't be bloated and in pain for the holiday.

I've realized that I am finally okay with my 2 best friends being pregnant. I went to one friend's house a few weekends ago and helped her pack her hospital bag, set up the bassinet and pack n play and make a list of what she still needs. Last weekend was the shower for the other friend. Although I am comfortable with them being pregnant, I fear that I will have a harder time once the babies are actually here, (which is going to be very soon!) Hopefully I will be getting my own good news around the same time which will help me enjoy their new babies with them...

this round has to work, right? third time's a charm, christmas miracle and all that?
right?

99th post!

For my 99th post, i thought i'd bring you a little entertainment.

here we go again

i've been on lu.pron since last friday and so far it has been all good.

my suppression check is on tuesday, and from there i will get my day 1 for stims.

i am so crazy busy this time of year. i think this year in particular, i have been taking on more than usual. maybe it's some way of trying to keep my mind busy with other things and off of infertility, who knows. i am taking a sewing class with a few girlfriends, which has been fun. i sew, they are just starting, but we are each doing projects at our own level. i am learning some new techniques i haven't done before (like gathering and using a serger) i also decided to do a mostly homemade xmas, so i have been creating, sewing and knitting like crazy.

on top of all of that, i volunteer for a local organization that provides xmas for families in need. this takes up a few hours every evening. and mr. and i are still getting the house back together after being under construction since august. it has to be done before xmas, since my MIL comes to visit for a week!

i think it's good for me to be busy. it's allowing me to not have time to be sad about where i am right now, particularly as 2 of my best friends are due around the holidays. i am going through the motions of this cycle, although i've been good about eating healthy and exercising (but i'll have to stop exercising when i start stims). sometimes i wonder if it's a good thing that i'm not over thinking this cycle, or if i'm not putting enough energy into it. who knows...

i am really hoping i have many eggs, like last time. they lowered my dose slightly as they think i may have overstimmed a little last time. many of our embies didn't make it past 48 hours, but it was okay because we started out with so many (21 i think?) i am hoping i have about that many this time. for those of you who have gone through more than 1 IVF cycle, did you respond in about the same way each time?

friday

i had my post-op appointment today. i start lu.pron on FRIDAY!! woo hoo!

background in babies

i am a baby person. i am good with babies. i am knowledgeable about babies. people who have babies come to me with questions and for advice, even though i don't have any babies of my own yet. i have a degree in early child.hood edu.cation and i was an infant teacher in a daycare center. then i was a nanny for infant twins (until they were 2). i also am an infant massage instructor and used to hold "baby" classes to teach parents massage as well as discuss other baby related topics.

over the last year, i have slowly moved away from all things baby. i stopped holding babies, stopped teaching baby classes, etc. it just got to the point that holding and smelling and snuggling babies hurt. this past weekend, mr and i had to watch my friend's 5 month old over night. (she and her whole fam were at a wedding and wouldn't trust anyone else, so they got us a room there too to have us watch the baby)

it made me remember how much i love to be with babies. i loved watching him sleep and listening to his little grunts as i fed him, i loved the weight of him in my arms and the smiles and snuggles he gave out freely. i don't think mr had ever spent that much time with a baby, and certainly never had to get up with one over night. i think it surprised him how natural it was for me to take care of an infant and he's been extra nice and loving to me since.

this IF journey has sucked. i've dealt with dildo cams and injections and blood draws and IV's and retreival surgery and no alcohol and and met.formin and heartache and O.P.P (other people's pregnancies) on many occasions. but i'm doing it because i want a baby. i want to be sleep deprived and thrown up on. i want a little one to depend on me to keep them safe and fed and changed and happy.

and it will all be worth it.

update

i have been such a bad blogger lately. sorry about that. as i've mentioned before, we have been under construction, but my computer is back in it's comfortable spot near the couch :) and the rest of the house is slowly getting back in order too. phew! i am so excited to have our newly improved and newly organized house complete for the holidays. mr and i bought a new sofa for each other for xmas, so we are eagerly awaiting it's arrival.

so, November 11th was my Day 1. I had Day 3 labs done on Friday the 13th (and began BCP's) and i have my sonohystogram scheduled for Thursday afternoon. Once that is complete, the doc will apply to my insurance for approval for this next round of IVF. i am not anticipating an issue with that. i'll get my calendar in the next few weeks i am assuming and it's looking like my retrieval and transfer will be sometime mid to late December. i am trying to stay positive about this cycle, mostly because i can't bear to think through the what ifs if it doesn't work....

provera

on day 35, i finally called the doc to get some provera. i was starting to worry that if we didn't get this thing started, it would end up ruining our vacation at the beginning of january anyway after all the persuasion i had to use to get him to let me start. when i called, i spoke with a nurse i hadn't dealt with before. she was all,"oh, you have to wait 3 months, you can't have provera" i was like, "listen lady, it's already been approved. i have my BCP and my lab orders, give me the damn provera" after she spoke with the RE, she did indeed call in the provera. today is day 5 on that. which means, AF should arrive sometime towards the end of next week i think. i usually take a week or more to get it after provera.

so, just waiting for AF. then i need my day 3 labs and a sonohystogram. i'm starting to get a little nervous. i feel like i don't quite remember what i went through the first time. was it harder than i'm remembering? were my side effects worse than i remember? the only thing i do seem to remember is the pain and bloat after my retrieval, so this time i'll take 2 days off afterwards. and i seem to remember when it all ended, it was like emerging from a hormone fog. i am hoping that it will all come back to me, and having done it all once before will help me take it day by day and not get too stressed. and i am trying to keep up the hope.

it should have been me

i've been feeling a little extra down about my infertility lately. and yet another pregnancy announcement kicked me even further down. now, i truly am happy for this person. she tried for a year with some clomid thrown at her a few times from her ob and finally got a referral for an RE. she just got pregnant on her first IUI. i'm happy she didn't have to go further down the IF path, but seriously, first IUI, it does sting a bit. or maybe i'm just a selfish brat.

anyway, the thing that bothers me the most is her due date. let me fill you in on a little crazy thing that makes me feel well, crazy, and jealous and weirded out a bit.

if my first treatment cycle had worked, (an IUI) my due date would have been Dec 24th

my best friend is due on Dec 24th

if my first IVF cycle had worked, my due date would have been Mar 3rd

my across the street neighbor is due Mar 3rd

if this last cycle had not been lost because it was ectopic, i would have been due May 18th

the latest announcement girl (a friend) is due May 18th

are you effing kidding me?!? it's like a taunt, at what i don't have.

i would have been 12 weeks around now. mr. and i had talked about showing up at our friends' Halloween party and i would just go in barefoot and when people asked me what i was, i would say, "barefoot and pregnant".

instead, i will most likely be drinking away my misery. so, to all of you who are frustrated, jealous, angry, broken, sad, pissed off, and still not fucking pregnant-cheers! i'm drinking to you

random thoughts about blogging

when i sit down to blog, i type away. my thoughts spew out of my head and onto the screen. although sometimes i've thought about what i was going to say, i never quite know how it's all going to come out until it does. as soon as i finish typing, i publish. i don't reread and obsess about how it all sounds, or if i've offended anyone, or any of that. sometimes i think twice about writing certain things because i'm afraid someone out in blogland will take offense, but i think i should just write what i want to write because it's my space. so i do. sometimes i am impatient and let it all spew out without giving all the thoughts and background that i feel i should.

some of the blogs i read are so well thought out, and seem to cover all the bases of the topic at hand. most of you are much better writers than i, and some of you spell things wrong and it drives me crazy ;)

so tell me, what is your blogging style? do you edit, review, reread?do you let things sit in the draft folder for a few days? hold back for fear of coming across in the wrong way? i'm curious...

changing moods

i haven't been writing, or reading much lately. i've been in a kind of blah mood. i've been keeping myself busy doing things for the renovations going on at our house and sewing (ironically, sewing a baby quilt for a friend, but anyways)

over the past few weeks we've been having bad luck. first, mr.'s car was in the shop 2 weeks in a row which got us for about $1200. shit. a few days later, my car started acting up and needs $1000 worth of work. double shit. the light i picked out and splurged on and spent lots of time convincing mr. on for our new front porch didn't work because the storm door hits it. damn. our ikea furniture we bought and put together didn't fit where we need it to. dammit.

just little things, adding up, small annoyances keeping me in my grumpy mood.

and then, i got the call back from the nurse about my hcg levels today. it was 6 and it has to be under 5, so i have to go back next week. crap. i was feeling particularly frustrated and started explaining my annoyances with our IF journey so far. i told her i've played by the RE's rules for a year and i've only had 3 cycles and now i want to do it my way. i told her it was ridiculous to wait until mid december when all the research says you need 2 months from the methotrexate shot and that will be in november for me. plus there will be 3 weeks of BCP, so it will really be almost 3 months. i told her we didn't want to have to repeat all of our testing (which expires in december) and miss a family vacation in january all because our RE is being extra conservative. she said RE is away and she will plead my case to him after my bloodwork next week shows my hcg under 5. dang.

and then she called me back. she said "your sob story worked. he's letting you start."

what?!?

my BCP are called in to the pharmacy. we are just waiting on AF to get started.

big smile.

i am so relieved. i can feel the clouds lifting already.

lost

i seem to have fallen right off the face of blogland. i haven't been writing or reading at all. probably due to a few things, taking a step away from infertility, nothing much to say, and construction craziness that is going on at my house which leaves my computer out of the way. i can really only use it on my bed right now because our living room is all torn up, so i haven't been on very much. so, i'm trying to catch up on all of your news.

so far, my hcg levels have been steadily dropping. last week it was 300 or so, and i have another check tomorrow. i talked to the nurse about getting insurance approval for our next cycle and fitting one in before the end of december and she was all about it. then she called back and said the doc wants me to wait until mid december to start a new cycle. which would ruin our trip to disney with my whole fam in january. we also found out that all of our testing expires in december, so if we wait until then, we have to repeat all our labs, SA and do a sonohystogram. damn. i'm waiting to see what my hcg is tomorrow and then i want to fight to start mid november instead (this will still give is 2 months off from the mtx shot)

bleeding and baby showers

i finally started bleeding on tuesday. it was like the worst period of my life, including the worst cramps of my life. they actually stopped me in my tracks a few times. it's funny, i actually at one point thought, damn, if i can't handle these cramps how the f*ck am i going to ever handle contractions? i went in for bloodwork this morning and my hcg is down to 747. looks like i won't need another shot of mtx. woo hoo!

during the midst of all of this, i had to make a diaper cake last night for my best friend's baby shower which is this weekend. there will be at least 3 other pregnant friends there, as well and a few new babies. i don't know how i'm going to react. the good thing is, my best friend is really supportive and already sent me an email saying essentially that she has no idea what to say to me and she is thinking about me non stop and she can't believe how supportive i've been of her while going through my own issues with infertility and if i can't go, or stay at her shower she will totally understand. just knowing that is making the idea of being there a little easier. i really want to be there to support her and give her her special day, but i'm not sure how i'll feel once i'm in a room surrounded by pregnant people, babies and baby things and lots of pregnancy and baby talk. the thought of it makes me want to throw up a little. and i can't even drink a few mimosas to take the edge off. dang!

ectopic and mtx

it's official. it is an ectopic in my left tube. i followed that news up with 2 shots of methotrexate (finally learned how to spell that one) in the ass.

it sucks. if i think too much about it, i get sad, but i'm doing a little better. to be honest, if we were going to lose the pregnancy, there is some relief of losing it so early. i was already attached, but i'm sure the longer someone was growing inside of me, the more heartbreaking this would have been.

so now we wait. bloodwork on monday and thursday next week to check that my hcg levels are dropping appropriately. they will tell me on thursday if i'll need another shot of mtx as well.

i hope everything goes as it should. it seems my body is already dropping the hcg level on it's own, so at least it's doing something right. the doctor wants me to wait 2 months before starting another cycle. i am hoping i am able to squeeze one in before the end of the year.

i think the waiting in between cycles is the hardest part. i'm frustrated that in the 11 months we've been working with the RE, we have only had 3 chances. at least if you are cycling, you are doing something that may finally help you reach your goal. it feels constructive. jumping right in and trying again seems like the easiest way for my heart to heal, but i realize it's my body that may need more time.

please body, do what you are supposed to do.

dropping betas

so they ended up checking my hcg level on monday with the labs they had to run for the methodextrate shot and it had dropped to 2690.

they checked it again today and it was 1700.

i guess that's a good thing? i mean, not that the pregnancy isn't viable, that's no fun, but that my body is doing what it needs to do i guess.

tomorrow i have a level 3 u/s to figure out where the embryos are. i guess the course of treatment may depend on if they are in the uterus or in the tube, although they are assuming the are in the tube. we'll see.

thanks

i am overwhelmed by all the comments and support.

i am still feeling crushed and devastated, but i am so thankful i have a blogland support system of women who really get it. i know some of you have been through much worse, but i appreciate that people really care about what is your own worst (so far).

thank you ladies, truly. i know i will get through this with your help.

i promise eventually i will visit and comment back to all of you, but these days i am a little scared of searching new blogs and finding good news. i'll be ready soon, i'm sure.

crushed

we had our ultrasound yesterday.

i was nervous, excited, terrified.

but in the back of my mind, i really thought things were going to be okay. i thought the biggest shock we could get would be if one of the embryos split and we were have 3.

i was wrong.

my uterus is empty. they saw nothing. nothing at all. not a hint of anything.

they sent us to the infertile waiting room to wait for the doctor. i was frozen, begging the tears to wait.

we sit down and the doctor says, "we don't know what's going on" we are presuming it is ectopic, but there is a chance that it is twins and it is too early to see them. he said, "we all thought it was twins, we were all so happy for you"

i have to go into the big city for a level 3 u/s by a physician on friday. just to double check that there is no one growing in there. from there, i go to my doctor for a shot of methodextrate(?) or whatever it's called. they've already run the labs and given me the consent forms for it.

i am crushed. i am beyond sad. i don't know how i'm going to make it through these days without bursting into tears constantly.

i kept waking up in the middle of the night crying. crying for the unfairness of it all. crying for the embryos that may be growing, that i will have to "dissolve" because they picked the wrong spot to burrow in. crying because i just want a baby, and i'm not 15, or a crack addict, and it doesn't seem like too much to ask.

is this really happening?

i'm still in shock

and i'm freaking out a little.

i told my best friend and my parents, but that's it.

only one more week to wait and see

if everything is okay

and "count the yolk sacks" as my nurse said.

holy sh!t

holy sh!t!!

it is 11dp5dt

and the beta is in.

it's 3000 !!!

holy sh!t.

i'm f*ckin knocked up!

the nurse told me there is no need to repeat the beta, and that is very high so i should not be shocked if there is more than one in there. we have our u/s scheduled for 9/21

holy sh!t

friday

tomorrow is the big beta day! i've never been so anxious/excited to get my blood drawn.

i am hoping and hoping for good numbers.

i still can't believe i might actually be pregnant. mr. keeps making me pee on sticks just to "make sure it's still in there" (he obviously doesn't know that even if "it" wasn't "still in there" as he likes to say, my hcg would still be raised, but it makes him feel better, so what the hell)

thank you all so much for your kind words and support. i know for some of you it is really hard to see a fellow infertile cross over to the other side. i've been there too. i hope the success stories remind you that you too will get there. and i hope it happens soon.

i hope my positive feelings aren't going to come crashing down on me. i'm wary of being too hopeful or excited, but it's hard not to feel some happiness in 2 lines. i will update my results tomorrow as soon as i get them...

8dp5dt

this post is different from the one i thought i was going to write.

over the last few days, i have been very tired. i've felt a little off, a little blah. the warmness and twinges in my uterus seemed to be turning into more like period cramps.

last night, as i laid in bed, i started writing out a post for today in my head, how i feared that my hope was waning, that these twinges and weird feelings in my abdomen were my body trying to have a period, but progesterone was keeping it from coming.

and then, the dog got me out of bed early. against all better reason, when i went to the bathroom, i decided to check out my first morning urine on a pee stick.

and whaddaya know. two lines appeared.

i have NEVER seen 2 lines. not on a HCG test, nor an LH test. never. and this was not a "hold it up to the light at a certain angle squinting" sort of 2 lines.

this was

TWO DARK INSTANT LINES!!!!!!!!!

so what did i do? i called the nurse who said she is very surprised i got a BFP this early and she'll let me come in on friday for a beta.

and then i went and bought the mother of all pregnancy tests, the DIGITAL.

and i saw the most beautiful sight i've ever seen....

(the monkey is something mr and i hide for each other around the house. it was the first valentine's gift he ever gave me. this monkey is waiting at mr.'s desk for when he gets home :)

now, i know it is early, and i still need to have a bloodtest to confirm and all that, but for today, i am feeling good, and full of hope.

they are in there!

everything went smoothly with the transfer. i have 2 early blasts safely nestled in my uterus. hopefully they are finding the accommodations quite comfy and have decided to burrow in.

2 of our 3 frozen embies survived the thaw, which is perfect since we wanted to put 2 in. i'm a little relieved that one didn't make it since i'm not sure what our insurance would make us do. as it is, they count FET's the same as IVF's and made us use of frozen embryos before they would approve a fresh cycle. we max out at 6 for a lifetime, so it's good to know next time (hopefully not for a few years...) we can do a fresh cycle.

i'm feeling good and positive. i relaxed for most of monday and tuesday, as mr. was home taking care of me :)

they are making me wait SO long for my beta. it's not until the 14th! (which is 14dp5dt) last time they had me do a beta at 10dp5dt. i'm certain i will have to POAS before that!

julie and julia

i went on a lady date with a girlfriend of mine last night.  we went out for dinner and then to see the movie "Julie & Julia".  i think we were the only people there that weren't nana's, but it was fun.  i do recommend the movie for you chick flick lovers.

anyway, there was one spot in the movie that really "got" me.  i found my eyes burning with the yearning to cry, while my chest felt tight.  i could relate SO much. here it is.  it was such a small part, i don't think it will ruin it if you are planning on seeing it...

there is a point in the movie when Julia Child gets a letter from her sister in the mail announcing her pregnancy.  she tells her husband, "oh, she's pregnant!" and immediately her husband comes to her side and puts his arm around her.  through her crying, Julia tries to say,"i'm happy for her", while her husband hushes and soothes her with a quiet, "i know."

i have been right there.  i have tried to be happy for my friends for their news, while mr. gently soothed me and held me and fully understood how crushed i was feeling.  it hurts.  it makes me feel like i am alone on an island with mr. and we have to watch people across the water eat and laugh and play and we just have to sit there alone, together.  i hope i don't have to feel this too much longer.  i don't know if i can bear it.        please oh please let this work.

prepared for take off

i just got the call.

my lining check and bloodwork results are good.  i have the go ahead to start progesterone shots tomorrow night (woo hoo) and my transfer will be on monday :)

it's been so long since i've done a shot at home....i am NOT looking forward to getting used to that again!

plea

i need this to work

i NEED this to work

i need THIS to work

i need this to WORK!

i feel like everyone around me is pregnant.  seriously.  two more pregnancy announcements over the weekend, and i spent the weekend with prego friend #1 and prego friend #2, who are due 2 weeks apart.  as you can imagine, there was lots of pregnancy and baby talk. ugh.

i'm feeling good and positive about this cycle, but mostly because i can't bear to think about what comes next if it doesn't work. 

 i honestly don't know how some of you keep on going after so much heartache and procedures and surgeries and side effects and time and money and....so much.  well, part of me does know, you keep going because you can't stop until you reach your goal of a healthy baby.

i know this FET might not work.  the numbers are not in our favor.  (FET at my clinic has about a 33% success rate) but i NEED it to work.  i'm getting ready to start a new school year, which means the next few months will be stressful and hectic as it is, while the new kids and i adjust to one another.  i can't possibly keep my business going if i have to start late and miss days for a fresh cycle.  the new families won't understand, and may leave, and enrollment is down as it is, so i really can't afford to let that happen.  because of the regulations, i can't hire a fill in person either, (although i guess i may have to see what i can do there if i have to)

i need this to work.  i'm afraid of where i will go if it doesn't. 

please oh please tell me you know SOMEONE who's had a BFP from an FET....pretty please?

and so it begins...

aunt flo FINALLY arrived on Sunday.  i was so excited, when i wiped and realized this in the wee hours of the morning, i actually said, "yesss!" in a quiet way to myself.  i'm a dork.

i called the nurse first thing monday morning to let them know.  they call back later in the afternoon to let you know what your "Day 1" is going to be. they determine your day 1 based on the other patients' schedules.  since we are doing a FET, they give us one embryologist just for our embies that day, so they have to make sure there aren't too many other transfers that day.

they gave me my Day 1 as Tuesday, August 11th.  of course that means i was supposed to go in for blood on Day 5, Saturday.  we are going to Long Island for a wedding on friday morning. when i called to get the details on what lab was open on saturday i explained to the nurse that i had to rearrange ferry and hotel reservations and shorten my vacation.  she pled my case to the doc and he said he would do the labs on friday before i leave.  yay!  of course i was willing to do what i had to do, but it was so nice that they were so accommodating.  now mr and i can enjoy our long weekend away, instead of being annoyed at driving so far for 1 day.  

so, i began the estrace tablets  (1mg twice a day) on sunday and will continue that through day 5.  on day 6, i increase to 2 mg twice a day.  it changes more from there, but i don't have my calendar in front of me.  my estimated transfer date is August 31st :)

still here

hello out there

i'm still here

just waiting and waiting for aunt flo to appear

i'm really hoping it all works out timing wise to not interfere with a planned trip to long island for a wedding next weekend.... i have to go in for bloodwork on day 5 and day 9.  if she comes today, it will cut this weekend's plans short (i was supposed to be away through monday) but will allow me to give blood on my way out of town on friday.  if she does not arrive today, i really need her to hold off so i can enjoy my weekend away and not miss my friend's wedding.

advice needed

I'm thinking about posting this on my facebook notes, but I'm not sure.  I don't want to sound too angry or annoyed or anything, just trying to provide some information for others.  I'm also wondering if I should pretend I didn't write it and copied it from somewhere else (with permission of course)  Please let me know what you think.  Edits welcome as well.

10 THINGS YOU SHOULD NEVER SAY TO AN INFERTILE 10. "Go on a vacation!" Most infertiles can't afford a vacation, because they are spending all their money on fertility treatments, and being in a tropical location is not going to improve their chances of conceiving...see #9 9. "Just relax" This one gets us the most, you see, infertility is an actual medical condition that no amount of "relaxing" is going to fix. 8. "Stop trying and you'll get pregnant." If it were that simple, we would be pregnant by now. Seriously. 7. "Why don't you just adopt?" While adoption may be an option some infertiles choose, and a totally acceptable one at that, it is probably not most peoples' first choice. Adoption is a long and involved expensive process. Choosing adoption also means we have given up on ever having children who are biologically related to us. This is a difficult decision and one that takes a lot of time to make. 6. "A friend of a friend of a friend I know decided to (adopt/quit trying, etc) and they got pregnant!" We infertiles are happy for your friend of a friend-the urban legend, and we know these people exist, but this is the exception, not the rule. 5. "You can have one of mine!" Please don't offer us one of your children, your eggs, or your husband's sperm. You probably don't mean it and this is offensive to some infertiles who will actually have to consider using some part of someone else at some point. 4. "You're so lucky you get to (sleep in/go on vacation/etc)" Although we probably are able to do some things because we don't have children, we have made the decision that we would like to give up some of these freedoms in order to have children. Infertiles don't feel "lucky", in fact, they would do just about anything to have to wake up to a crying baby. 3. "Are you SURE you want kids?!?" Although you are probably saying this in jest when your own child is misbehaving, please don't imply that all of our struggles have not been carefully thought out. Going through infertility treatments takes a lot of time/money/emotion and we wouldn't be going through it if we didn't actually want children. 2. "Are you pregnant yet?" Although you are probably just trying to keep up with how your infertile friend is doing, please don't ask this question. Any infertile who does finally get pregnant will share the happy news when they are ready. 1. "I'm pregnant!" This is a tricky one. You are probably excited to share your happy news, but if you have a friend who is struggling, please put some thought into how she will find out. I recommend an email, so she has time to process the information in case she's having a particularly bad day. Your infertile friend is TRULY happy for you, but hearing about another person's pregnancy also reminds her of what she doesn't have. Whatever you do, do NOT let her A. find out from someone else, B. find out on facebook or C. find out it was an "accident". If you know someone who is struggling with infertility, just let them know you are there for them. Ask if they want to talk about it or don't want to talk about it. If they seem up for talking, ask questions about the procedures they are going through so you better understand what is involved. Don't be offended if they don't want to participate in baby showers and outings with children. Sometimes this is too hard. Follow their lead in terms of talking about your own pregnancy/children, etc. If they ask questions, they are probably okay with talking about it, but if not, they may not be in a place that they can talk about it without feeling sad and left out. If your friend seems to lose touch a little bit, don't be offended. She may be having a hard time emotionally and is just trying to keep it to herself. Infertility takes a huge toll on a person and a couple. Treatments are expensive, invasive and can cause many side effects, like crankiness, bitchiness, exhaustion, headaches, etc. The whole thing is an emotional rollercoaster. Remind your friend that you are there when she wants to talk, drink, not talk, whatever. Let her know you are sorry she has to go through this and you are hoping for her too.

still waiting...

aunt flo has still not arrived.  i went in for the blood test this morning and i'm not pregnant (no surprise there) so i will pick up my provera prescription today.  let the games begin!

surprises

mr. and i had to go to new jersey this past weekend for his dad's wife's birthday.  it happened to coincide with our one year anniversary.  i figured we would celebrate another time, go out to a nice dinner or something.  my father in law used his points or whatever and put us up in a hotel, which was very nice of him.  we checked in late after visiting with FIL and other family for dinner at his house.  as soon as we checked in, i went to the bathroom.  when i came out, there was a bottle of champagne on the bed with 2 champagne flutes, a sweet card and a jewelry store bag!! what a sweet surprise!  mr. got me the wedding cake charm for my Pandora bracelet.  it was such an unexpected surprise!  of course i felt like a shmuck because i hadn't even brought a card for him, but it was so sweet.  he's a keeper, that one.

it's been a while

it's been a while since my last post. nothing too much to report.  as much as i did not want to take a break, it's actually been kind of nice.  i don't think i realized how much all the meds and stress of daily appointments, etc. was taking a toll on me.  i've actually felt normal lately!

since i had a little break from treatment and had no doctor-imposed restrictions on my exercise, i went back to my trainer and have been boxing with him 3 days a week.  he is KICKING MY ASS! every muscle in my body aches, i make sound from the pain anytime i get up from sitting or go up the stairs, and it feels great! although, i am so sore today i don't know how i'm going to handle the ass-kicking this afternoon.

this weekend, mr. and i celebrate our first year of marriage :)  the time flew by and we are even more in love than we were on that day.  he truly is my best friend and i can't imagine a life without him.  unfortunately we will be "celebrating" while in new jersey for his stepmother's 60th birthday party- that we received an email about, saying,"we'd like the weekend to be stress free, but please wear khaki pants and a white top so we all look nice in photos." yea, enough said.  at least we got a hotel room so we can escape the madness when we need to!

my meds for the thaw cycle came in the mail.  just estrace pills and progesterone in oil shots.  i'm still waiting for flo to arrive, but i actually do think i ovulated this month so it should come on time around the 25th.  we'll see...

normal

thanks for putting up with my jealous and bratty last post.  if you commented, or are interested, i posted some follow up thoughts in the comments of that post.  you ladies always "see" me at my worst.  every emotion and feeling gets written out in this blog, and rarely in real life.  so thanks.

as much as i didn't want to take a break this month, it's actually okay.  i don't think i realized how much i was affected by all the hormones and stuff.  i actually feel normal!  on the drugs, i was exhausted and irritated and b!tchy.  it's been nice to be able to go out for drinks with friends and get things accomplished around the house.  and be pleasant to my husband.

mr.m is CONVINCED we can get pregnant on our own. (and if i was cool i could link to an older post about that, but i still can't figure out how to do that...damn)  he has me peeing on OPK's and doing the deed every other day.  i am playing along, even though i know there is no way we will get pregnant on our own.  he actually falls for all those stories everyone tells him about a "friend they know".  whatever, i am actually in a good mood, so i'm enjoying all the se.x. i am also hoping aunt flo will show up right on time so we can get moving on this thaw cycle.  

speaking of which, remember way back when, when i used to be all hopeful and optimistic? (again, sorry i can't link)  well, i'm bringing hopeful back. (sing it like justin) last cycle i tried to remain neutral, and i did.  and it didn't help at all.  the negative hit me harder than any other try.  so this time, i'm making it like i'm going to the superbowl! i'm excited and i'm going to stay that way.  i'm surrounding myself with positive optimism.

i may fall on my face in the end, but i know i'll have you girls to pick me back up.

Left out

i do not have a sister.  i have two big brothers who were older than me in age enough that we didn't really form a relationship until we were adults.  i do however have many close girlfriends.  unfortunately, those girlfriends DO have sisters, but anyway... i feel like they are the closest things i have to ever knowing what it's like to have a sister.

flashback to a few years ago at my 10 year high school reunion... me and two of said close friends, we'll call them Julia and Alleni.  we are all chatting about plans for our future.  we talk about when we will start trying to have kids. (they were already married, i was getting married the next summer)  neither of them are ready, but i know i will be trying right away after i get married.  we talk and laugh about how much fun it would be if they tried at the same time and we could all be pregnant together and our kids will be the same age and wouldn't it be so great....

shortly after i start trying, they tell me they aren't trying, but they aren't trying not to. months go by and they start asking me when to try, what they are doing wrong.  i give them a few tips and mention OPK's, but they "don't want it to be a science experiment."  some more months go by and i start to guess that one of them is pregnant, Alleni, my best friend, finally tells me at 8 weeks.  i am a little hurt she waited so long, since if i hadn't been going through all this infertility crap she would have told me after she peed on a stick, quite possibly before she told her husband for that matter.  instead, she waited until she was about to see me and knew her family might slip and sent me an email.

over the weekend, Julia told me she's having a baby.  she's due 2 weeks after Alleni.  she just told me, at 13 weeks.

i feel sad.  i feel left out.  i feel hurt that because of my infertility neither of them told me right away.  both of these friends are friends who would have normally told me right away.  instead, especially with Julia, i mean 13 weeks!! come on!!  she is already showing, everyone knows and i feel like she was purposefully avoiding me and keeping it from me.  in the meantime, the two of them have been talking and sharing in their pregnancy bliss together.  they are expecting babies within 2 weeks of each other.  they have each known about the other since Alleni told me at 8 weeks.

i'm happy for my friends, i really am.  i'm happy they don't have to go through what i am going through.  but i also feel like, they aren't calling and hanging out and whatever because they don't know what to say, or how to be.  i've always wanted to know what it was like to have a sister.  i felt like being pregnant at the same time as one or both of these friends would have given me that sense.  instead, they are sharing in it together and i'm still f*cking barren.

when is it my turn?

RE appointment

friday, mr.m and i met with the RE to discuss next steps.  he recommended moving forward with the thaw cycle, beginning after my NEXT period.  i didn't want to skip a month, and when i explained that, he said, "well, you want to get pregnant don't you?"  his take on it is that my body needs a month to get all of the meds from last cycle out of my system, as well as to completely shed the lining from that cycle as well.  he is sure this will increase our chance of success.  if i don't get my period on my own, he will give me provera on 7/27.  i trust him.  the place i go has the best success rates in the area, so i figure they've got a formula they like to stick to.  he did agree to put 2 blasts in.  (we have 2 expanded blasts that they will thaw first and 1 early blast in case one of the others doesn't survive)

over the next 4 weeks, i am going to go to a trainer 3 days a week and also try to eat nothing but healthy food.  over the last few months, my exercise has kind of dwindled and i'd like to feel good and maybe lose a few pounds that i gained from all the hormones and stress.  

especially if i'm going to be eating for 3....

i don't want a break

i'm feeling a little better today.  one of my girlfriends invited me and mr. over for tacos and beer last night.  it was a very nice gesture and was just what i needed.  

i've decided i would like to express some concerns to the RE tomorrow about taking a break.  i don't want to take a break and here are the reasons i'm going to bring up with him.

1. i feel like we just had a 2 month break.  i had an IUI in march, april's cycle was cancelled and may i was on BCP getting ready for my june IVF.

2. i feel like a FET (frozen embryo transfer) IS a break.  it gives my body a little break because there will be no stimming, no retrieval surgery, etc.

3.  i'm working part time in july and i took all of august off.  i'd rather use that time to get to all the appointments, etc. rather than push things into september when i will be working full time again and busy with new kids and the start of school.  families depend on me for childcare and any day i need off, they are left without it.

i'm not sure he'll agree, but i figure it's worth a shot.  i also want to double check with the insurance people that i will still be approved for a fresh cycle if the thaw cycle doesn't work.  originally i was only approved for 2 IVF cycles and the nurse told me the thaw cycle does count as an IVF.  if i can only do one more, i'd rather do another fresh cycle.  the nurse doesn't think it will be a problem since i have the insurance with the best infertility coverage, but i would want to double check before the thaw cycle.

i'm really glad the RE is going to see us tomorrow.  i'm interested in seeing if they learned any more information during this last cycle that may improve our chances next time.  we were never told the letter grades of our embryos so i'd like to know that too.  i also want to ask him what our chances are of conceiving on our own without medical intervention.  i think mr. needs to hear it from the horses mouth.  he still keeps talking about "trying for another year on our own" which frustrates me to no end.

 

crying and TMI about my sex life

for some reason, i am taking this negative pregnancy test much harder than any of the others over the past year.  even though i had little faith it would work out, i think a part of me felt more hope because, i mean, the doctor's created the beginnings of life and put it right where it needed to be.  i know my chances were about 50/50, but still....why shouldn't it work?

i spent the day quiet and alone yesterday, although i didn't cry.  mr.m was sad too and we went out for sushi and beer.  last night we had sex for the first time in a long while.  (funny how little sex you have when trying to have a baby..)  we weren't allowed to have sex when i was stimming or after the retrieval, so it had been a good couple of weeks.

it started out a little awkward as mr. tried rubbing my hips and hit my bruises from all the PIO shots.  and then as we got into a little, it all hit me like a ton of bricks.....the shots, the bruises, the side effects.  my insides have been a pathway for ultrasound wands and speculums, needles and catheters, not pleasure.  i was so glad he couldn't see me in the darkness, as i was fighting back tears, waiting for it to be over.  (sounds horrible, doesn't it?)  as soon as he was done, i lost it.  i heaved and sobbed for all that i've been through over the last few months. i cried over the baby that didn't grow inside of me and over my body that keeps on betraying me.  i cried over all of my fertile friends and not being able to share in what they have.  and i cried about having to keep on waiting and will this waiting ever end.  i cried at the thought of never getting to feel someone kicking me from the inside, and at the possibility of being in this same place in another year.

i can't handle being infertile today.  it's just not fair.  i can't even talk to any of my real life friends. i can't even say it out loud.  i sent them an impersonal mass email telling them it didn't work and not to ask me about it.  i can barely keep it together today.

thank you, all of you, for being there and writing your story and reading along with mine.  i truly feel like it's the only thing that allows me to keep putting one foot in front of the other.  i hope that this painful journey ends happily for us all.

but for today, i am just crying.

no change for me

over the last few weeks and months, i have been slowly moving blogs from the "infertility" section on my sidebar to the "pregnant" one.  this blog will not be changing to a pregnancy blog anytime soon.

i am not pregnant.

i'm choking back tears and the urge to call and cry to mr.  i don't want him to hear the news at work though, because i know it'll crush him too.  he gets to have a few more hours to hope.

my doctor wants to meet with us both on friday to discuss things and sign consents for a FET.  he wants me to take a month off first, which i'm not psyched about, but he thinks that'll improve our chances.  maybe i can motivate to lose a few pounds while we wait, which can't hurt either.

last day to hope

i just got back from giving my blood for my beta.  i should hear back from the nurse between 1 and 5 today.

i am feeling bipolar today.  one minute i am about to cry, sure that this didn't work, the next minute, hope creeps in and i'm smiling.  mr. is still so hopeful.  since the transfer he has been saying, "you ARE pregnant until someone tells us otherwise."  i hope he's right.  and i hope he's not crushed later on today.  we agreed that no matter what the result, i will not call him today.  i'll pick him up from the train station and tell him tonight. he wanted me to let them leave a message on the machine and we'd listen to it together, but i didn't want to do that for a number of reasons.  first, i don't want to wait any longer than i have to! second, i kept imagining us standing next to the phone, feeling all anxious, only to have them to say "sorry, it didn't work." then we'd just feel pathetic. and lastly, i'm kind of a loner.  if i am not pregnant, i rather just spend the rest of the day being alone with my sadness, not talking to anyone.  if i am pregnant, i'll have some time to plan a way to tell him.

so that's that.  i'll update the news when i hear.

thanks!

thanks for all the support and reassurance, ladies!  the spotting is slowing down and after googling all day yesterday i definitely feel better about it.

my beta is tomorrow....

oh no

i'm bleeding.

just a little, when i wipe.

:(

please tell me this is normal...

feeling lost

i feel like i am just waiting for each day to pass.  i have been so exhausted and therefore not able to go out and do anything to keep my mind busy.  it feels weird not to be going to the doctor for various bloodwork and ultrasounds, etc.  today it is a rainy miserable day and i'm feeling pretty rainy and miserable.  i have this sinking feeling that this try at IVF was not successful and it's really hitting me as to what that means. 

i just want to curl up and have the day pass quickly.  maybe i'll on-demand a chick flick and put my pj's back on.  i have some plans for the weekend that will hopefully preoccupy my mind, and then i just have to get through monday.  

i just want to know, good or bad. if it's good news, then, well, that's good! but if it's the bad news i'm thinking it will be, at least then we can jump back on the horse and begin the next steps.  

frozen embies

we received a letter in the mail informing us that 3 of our embryos made it to freeze!  i'm glad we found this out before the beta (which is tuesday, by the way).  i think it will be easier to cope with a negative result knowing we can do a FET next.  that will give my body a little bit of a break from all the shots and retrieval and such.

mr. still seems very hopeful. i am pretty much convinced it didn't work.  although, i think mostly because i'm trying to protect myself.

mantra

i will not pee on a stick

i will not pee on a stick

i will not pee on a stick

i will not pee on a stick

random thoughts about the wait

still here, just waiting and trying to keep my mind from getting too attached or hopeful.  i am also trying to keep mr.m from getting too attached or hopeful too.  i feel like i need to protect him from the possible heartache by reminding him that this might not work.  he is so hopeful.  he calls me and asks how our blastocyst is doing.  he kisses my belly.   i know he doesn't read all these heartbreaking stories of what other people have gone through (like i do, i'm a blog addict) to know what could happen.  part of me is glad he is unaware, but at the same time, i need to protect him from getting too excited.  does that make sense?

i'm tired from the progesterone and the lack of caffeine. (okay, i've been having a little half caf)  my boobs are so sore that when i bend over in the morning without a bra on i feel like the insides of my breast are falling out of my nipple.  doctor's orders are no sex and no orgasms until the beta. (and no caffeine, alcohol or fake sugar)

so here's the dilemma,

a lot of people know that we are going through IVF.  our families, friends, and my clients.  as i've mentioned, i run a small part time child care business out of an addition on our house. because i was going to have to take days off with little notice and change my hours to make it back from morning labs and u/s, i told the families that come here about it as well.  a few of them have gone through it, so they have been really helpful.  it's been great to have so much support during all of this and to have the chance to educate the people in our lives about infertility and the process of IVF. 

however, the big problem is with the result.  because so many people know and are hoping and praying for us, they will want to know if it worked.  most of them ask, "so, when do you find out?!?"  we realize we are probably going to have to tell people if we do get pregnant even though we'd prefer to wait at least until the first u/s (and 12 weeks for many of them!).  and then, what if i miscarry?  that will be hard to have to relive over and over telling people.  on a sheet we were given about 'surviving the wait',  the clinic recommends picking one person to spread the word either way. i don't know if this will really work for us either.

so far we decided not to tell anyone the actual date we will find out.  we are being vague, saying, "in a few weeks"  that way, no matter what the result, we can have the info ourselves for a few days before we have to share it. but what do we do?? should we send out an email to the effect of "thanks for the support and good thoughts, but please don't ask if we're pregnant?"  i don't know.  any advice  about what to do is welcome.

there's something in there

one beautiful expanded blastocyst is inside of my uterus.

i hope the little one is finding it comfy and cozy in there and finds a nice cushy spot to nestle in and stick around a while.

even though they just told me to take it easy, i'm totally crazy and laying down and i don't want to sit up for fear of squishing him.

waiting

this whole infertility thing is a big game of hurry up and wait

wait to ovulate, wait to try, wait to find out, wait for doctor's instructions....

but is it bad that i don't want to leave the house because i just want to wait for the nurse to call me and tell me what time my transfer is tomorrow? i feel like i just want to sit on the couch and stare at the phone, willing it to ring all day long like a crazy person....

anyway, 

i enjoyed lots of UNpasteurized and soft cheeses last night with a nice glass of wine.  maybe a little hopeful of an activity, but, oh well

i'm back down to .5lbs below my pre retrieval weight.  woo hoo.

i actually feel normal today for the first time in a long time.  

hopefully that's the last of that.....

transfer

the embryos are still doing well, i will have a day 5 transfer on saturday.  they will only transfer 1 embryo this try, unless there are no grade A embies, then the doctor is willing to discuss putting 2 in.

this is finally sinking in that i may actually get pregnant.  i am trying not to think about it too much, i don't want to get my hopes up, but at the same time i'm trying to stay calm and positive.  it's a delicate balance i suppose.

i'll let you know how it goes on saturday.  i suppose i should have some wine and some brie tomorrow night....

for those of you that have done this before, what does your doctor recommend for after the transfer? bedrest? just take it easy? for how long?

one more thing, the bloat is finally going down a little.  i lost .8 pounds since yesterday.

how many embies?

15!!

YAY!  15 little embryos seem to be doing well.  they have scheduled my transfer for tomorrow morning, but they will call me at 8:30 and let me know if it will be moved to saturday.  the nurse said it is more likely that it will be saturday since there are so many and they seem to be doing well.

fingers crossed!

bloat

oh my, i sure am bloated and sore.  i was given instructions to eat lots of protein, and drink a gallon of fluid per day, half of which has to be gatorade.  i am doing all those things, but i have gained 2.5 pounds of fluid since the retrieval.  i think it's okay, they said to expect to gain 1-2 pounds and call if i was gaining more than 2 pounds per day. the 2.5 pounds was over 2 days, so i think it's okay, but i feel sore and bloated!  i actually caught myself doing a version of the pregnancy waddle where i was moving with my belly first.  i feel like i can't bend over.  i hope this goes away soon.

21 Oocytes!!

my retrieval was this morning and they got 21 eggs!!  i will find out more on the development on wednesday afternoon.  assuming all goes well, my transfer will be thursday or saturday :)

for those of you interested, or who may have to go through it someday, here's how the day went...

i had to stop eating and drinking as of midnight. i was to arrive at the place at 8am for a 9am retrieval.  i couldn't wear any jewelry, contacts or anything scented. (apparently eggs and embies do not like odors)

i have to admit, i was terrified!  i kept telling myself, 'it's only a needle, you are used to needles' and 'you won't feel a thing'.  but i was scared.

when i got there, they had me change into a johnny and gave me warm blankets.  they asked a few questions, confirmed my identity and started the IV. they had to put it into the bruise in my arm from saturdays bloodwork. ew. then the anesthesiologist came in and talked to me.  i had never been put under or had any type of surgery before.  

they wheeled me in early (the person who was supposed to go before me was late because of  an accident on the highway.  i was also held up by this but gave myself 2 hours to get to the place which is 45 min away.  it took me the whole 2 hours)

the lights were dim. when i sat on the table, the embryologist came in and introduced herself and checked my identity.  (she was pretty and kind, take care of my embies!)  then the doc performing the surgery checked my id, and then the nurse.  they had me scoot down on the table and put my legs in stirrups.  they are bigger and higher than the regular ones and hold you at the knee.  the last thing i remember is them asking me to do one more scoot.  the next thing i knew, i was waking up in the recovery room with mr holding my hand and the nurse beside me.  i was groggy and started to feel sore right away.  the nurse put something into my IV for the pain.  a few minutes later i was starting to feel better.  i took some tylen.ol and had crackers and ginger ale.  about 15 minutes later, the cramping felt manageable and i felt awake.  they had me try to pee.  i couldn't.  i drank 3 cups of water and tried again.  i still couldn't go!

i was almost starting to worry.  i read the book SO CLOSE by Tertia Albertyn.  i remembered she had talked about not being able to pee after one of her retrievals and had to be hospitalized.  the nurse ran the water, and gave me a magazine to try to get my mind off of it.  the problem was whenever i relaxed, i felt some pain, so i tensed up again. their final trick was to pour warm water on myself.  i finally went and i was able to go home.   

i am sleepy and a little sore, but overall doing alright.  

quick update

i'll write more later, but i wanted to write a quick update while i have internet (it's been in and out all weekend)

yesterday the left ovary caught up.  there are now 28 measurable follies!! (16-20mm)

after much drama after missing the phone call from the doc because my home phone was out (and i have no cell service at home) i finally got my instructions.  (more on that later)

i triggered last night at 9pm and my retreival is MONDAY at 9 AM

i'm freaking out.

and my ovaries feel like they are going to explode!

but, NO SHOTS TODAY!!

she said, "holy moly!" *updated*

no kidding, 

first the u/s tech checked out my left ovary.  there were 3 measurable follicles, (11, 12, 13mm) and lots more that were under 10.  she then moved over to my right ovary and exclaimed,

 "HOLY MOLY!"  

i said, "yeah, my right side has been killing me"

"no wonder" she said," there are 12 big follicles!"(i forget all the measurements, most were 12 or 13, a few were 15 and 16)

she then proceeded to ask how much meds i was on and how many follicles i had before (on clomid) (1 the first time and zero the second)

she told me it was a party in there!

hopefully my blood results are equally as good.  back again everyday now until i trigger.  i will update this afternoon when i hear back from the nurse.

***UPDATE: The nurse called back and said I am responding well.  She didn't tell me my levels of anything, which is fine since i wouldn't know what they meant and would be consulting dr. google about them anyway.  one less thing to worry about.  I am to reduce my gonal.f to 150 tonight and tomorrow and go for bloodwork and u/s on saturday.

i hope this means they're workin'

ouch

my ovaries are sore and achy.  i am very aware of them.  it is mild to moderately bothersome.

i sure hope this means they are growing eggs like crazy 

(but not too crazy)

shooting up in public

okay, so i had to bring my lu.pron and a needle (and a little portable sharps container) to a concert on friday night.  i got my bag searched.  they opened my wallet, they looked through my change purse, apparently looking for the kind bud i was not carrying and totally missed the drug paraphernalia. phew.  i did make sure with my cop friend that it was legal for me to be carrying around needles in my purse, and it is, but i was still glad i didn't have to explain myself.  shooting up in the bathroom proved to be slightly challenging, what with the lack of sterile surfaces in the stall for me to put things on, but i managed.  

on saturday i had to go out to my car at a function to shoot up, this time adding in the second shot (gonal.f)  man i am a regular junkie these days....

so far all is alright with the stims.  i felt a little out of it/tired today, but that may have been from my busy weekend...i was bummed i couldn't enjoy the weather on my kayak today.  the doc says i can't "bend, twist or lift" while on the stims to avoid OHSS  which sounds incredibly painful and unpleasant, so i will abide.  i did get out for a nice long walk with a friend and our pups though :)

hope you all had a nice weekend.

check check

i had my suppression check today.  all is quiet and as it should be.  because they have a bunch of IVF patients all on the same schedule, i have to continue the 10 units of lupron through Friday and start the stims and the reduced lupron on saturday.  (they are trying to space us all out so there are no scheduling conflicts).

my headache seems to have finally subsided.  phew!  

not so lovely

i have had a raging headache for 3 days.

damn that lupron!

jeopardy

i feel like my world is moving along with jeopardy music in the background.

da na na nana na na na. da na na na NA na nananana

just waiting and waiting.  taking my metformin and my lovely lupron every night at 8:30 and my last BCP tonight....

on a random note, tomorrow is my LAST DAY OF SCHOOL!! YAY! since i run my own little preschool and set my own schedule, it's my last day.  i'm cutting down to 4 mornings a week for "summer camp" so i can get to all my appointments and try to stay calm and healthy.  

also, mr.m and i finally broke down and bought a new tv!!  it's obnoxiously huge and i am loving the high def.  i even enjoyed watching basketball last night just because it was so huge and clear.  our old television was about a 20" built in to a piece of furniture.  it was probably 20 years old or more.  it still worked like a champ, but we were definitely ready for an upgrade!

lu.pron

my first night of the lupron was Friday.  it happened to coincide with a dinner party we were throwing at our house, but i was able to sneak upstairs and shoot up without anyone noticing.  it went fine.  after each shot, the area stings a little for a few minutes, but nothing too bad.  i haven't really noticed any side effects yet, but i've only done it 3 times so far.  hopefully it continues to go smoothly.  my suppression check is tues the 26th.

the junk

i am a junkie anticipating her next fix.

i have fondled the needles in anticipation.

i have read and reread my drug calendar.

i start on the junk tomorrow.

and i can't wait to shoot up.

i just want to be doing something that could actually do something.

i never thought i'd be here...but here i am.

are BCP's making me crazy?!?

i feel like i have been an emotional wreck lately.  i am down and grumpy one day, then perfectly normal the next, only to have the blues take over again.  i am all over the place!  can the birth control pills be doing this to me? or am i really just a little crazy right now?

i start Lupron on Friday.  what is that going to add to this mix?

i'll follow the sun

i spent most of this week feeling sorry for myself.  i was starting to feel things that i don't want to feel, like anger and bitterness toward friends who are pregnant, sadness about not being pregnant yet, overall just dark and dreary.  i pretty much accomplished nothing, napped, watched tv and ate crap.  i felt lonely and miserable and pissed off.

today i woke up and it was sunny outside.  i felt pretty good and had a good morning with the kids.  i went out to lunch with a pregnant friend and i'm even feeling better about going to her baby shower on saturday where there will most likely be some gushing over my other newly pregnant friend.  i feel like the big dark cloud that was following me around all week has finally gone away.  i'm glad, because i want to be able to be happy for my friends.  i really am glad that none of them are going through what i am going through.  if i can take one for the team and be the infertile one in the group, so be it.  

my meds are coming today. i'm excited to see them and get started next friday.  that's a little weird, i guess, to be excited about shooting yourself up with drugs, feels a little bit like i'm an addict or something....

i know it's probably weird to give out your address to some stranger on the web, but if anyone would like a 4 leaf clover, i now have 5 to give away......

lucky?

yesterday i found 4 four leaf clovers.  

or, i should say, they found me.  this is not that unusual, i have found over 50 in the last 7 years (when i started finding them).  i just glance at the ground and it is like they shout out to me.  they catch my eye and i pick them.  i ALWAYS give them away, which i think is why i keep on finding them. i haven't found one this year yet.  yesterday i saw one, bent down to pick it and then they kept on catching my eye.  i've got them flattening in a book.  i usually put them in between contact paper after they are flat.  

i hope this means good luck is coming my way....

Day 2

so, Aunt Flo decided to arrive all on her own yesterday! i had a scheduled blood pregnancy test on Friday (what a joke!) so they could give me Provera to force her out of hiding.  I'm so glad I didn't have to do all that.  

so, here we go...onto birth control pills beginning tomorrow.  we meet with the RE on monday to go over all our protocol and sign a million consent forms and all that.  afterwards we meet with the nurse to learn all about how to mix and inject the meds.  fun stuff :)

it's official

we finally heard back from the insurance coordinator!  we have been approved for 2 IVF cycles. HOORAY!  we set up our 2 hour pre op appointment for May 4th.  We will meet with the RE for a hour or so to go over our protocol and all that and then we will meet with the nurse for an hour to learn how to mix and inject all the medications.  i am relieved that we are covered and excited to start a new cycle that has a better chance of being successful. even though, at the same time i am terrified. of the shots, of the side effects, of the retrieval, of the heartache if it doesn't work.  but i am not focusing on that right now. i am thankful for this chance and hopeful it will work and i can spend some months being a regular ol' pregnant lady and forget about being an infertile for a while.

 i have to say, i read many of your blogs about the sacrifices and time you must take to save up to pay for a shot at IVF.  i can't imagine having to do that.  i hope all of your states follow in the footsteps of massachusetts and start requiring fertility benefits from your health insurance. 

i did a bad, bad thing..maybe...

in my house, we have a "little room".  i'm sure many of you have a similar room in your home.  maybe it is an office, or a guest room, or a junk room.  maybe you keep the door closed so you don't have to be reminded of what this room is supposed to be.  in our home, this room is currently occupied by bags of clothes to be donated, boxes of things that need to organized and other random things that are in need of a home.  the room needs to be repainted and a gallon of earth friendly, no voc paint in a soft yellow even sits on the floor.  i occasionally wander in to the little room to look for something, or to start to organize what is in there, only to give up and wander back out.  i do not want to clean and organize and paint the "little room" until there is an exciting reason to do so.  if it looks all ready, like it is just missing an occupant, it will be even more depressing to walk by.

gone are the days that mr.m and i excitedly talk about our future child.  we are no longer making plans and debating names and contemplating baby furniture and the like.  we do not want to get our hopes up or make any plans, knowing that the reality of us holding our child in our arms could be a long way off.  

but with our hope dwindling away and our optimism broken, i decided we needed a change.  i made the decision that we needed to think positively once again and get excited a little bit about a little being that we will hopefully someday bring into this world. so, i ordered something...that is specifically for a B-A-B-Y. and we can't use it until there IS actually a B-A-B-Y.

i have always known i would cloth diaper my kids.  mr.m is environmentally like-minded, so i was able to convince him that this was a good choice for us.  since i began dreaming of getting pregnant, i have been researching cloth diapers online. and finally, i ordered a sample of the 3 brands we were debating between.  we both agreed on which ones we liked the best. they are so cute! and i can't wait to have a little bum to put them on.  it was fun to get excited about baby things again.  and i think we can handle it. we are not disillusioned anymore and we know that it may take some time.  but we also know that we WILL have a family someday, whether through IVF or adoption, but we cannot even entertain the idea of having a child-free life.

for now, i will stick the diapers back in the closet in the little room. but it felt good to think good thoughts again and dream about our someday baby.  i think surrounding ourselves with positive energy is the best thing we can do moving forward.

good news and bad news...

i had another follicle check this morning.  nothing.  we are officially cancelled and preparing for IVF.  i'm over it, it's fine.  i was mentally prepared for the IVF cycle anyway, so i'm not even sad, especially since with 0% morphology the IUI wouldn't have worked anyway and i just would have been tormented with an inkling of hope for 2 weeks only to have it all come crashing down again.

on a better note, yesterday the weather here was beautiful.  mr.m called me after his lunch break in a great mood after having been outside.  he asked me to come into the city to meet him for dinner. (we live in the suburbs, he works in the city) i used to go in all the time and meet him after work and we haven't done it for a while.  so i got all cute and loaded up my new jcrew whale purse and headed in for our spontaneous date.  we walked around the city and went to a yummy seafood place that is a little higher end, but we had a gift certificate. we had some king crab legs and i had the yummiest halibut ever!  i even had a glass of wine with dinner:)  then we walked over to an ethnic area of the city for a cannoli, some decaf and some people watching out the open air windows.  it was a great night.  the city was bustling and happy, as everyone was enjoying the first really nice day.  we laughed and talked and for a night were just a happy couple out on the town and not sad infertile people.  we didn't even once talk about getting pregnant or babies or anything.  we were just us for the night, just happy and in love and enjoying life together with no worries.

why aren't my follicles cooperating?!

i had another follicle check today, Day 13 and still none of them are over 10mm. bummer. last month i had one that was 15mm on day 13. it looks like my body is just not cooperating this month at all.  i have one more check on friday, but if none have grown, this cycle will be cancelled. shit.

while talking to the nurse this afternoon, i asked about mr.m's SA from last week and to find out when we hear if the insurance approves our IVF for next cycle.  last week they had told me his count was 53 million with 77% motility, which is the HIGHEST it's ever been! of course, this was the one SA we needed to be really bad so the insurance would approve us.  anyway, the morphology wasn't in yet because they send it out to a different lab. today i got the results.  

0%.  yes, that's right, none, zero, zilch, nada.  none of those guys were normal.  damn.  well, at least that pretty much guarantees insurance coverage for IVF/ICSI. but if 0% are normal, can they find any to fertilize my eggs?  i'll have to check with dr. google.

so that is 2 bad things that have happened today and yes, i do really believe everything comes in three's.  i'm afraid to leave the house.

first follicle check

i had my day 10 follicle check on sunday.  there were all under 10mm.  i am a little concerned about that.  last month, on day 10 i had one that was 11mm.  hmmm.... i don't have enough experience with this to know if this is problematic or not.  i guess i will know more on wednesday at the next check.  grow follies, grow!!

i've started telling my family and close friends that we are moving on to IVF next cycle if this cycle doesn't work.  some of them don't know that we've already done an IUI once, so they are a little surprised.  mr.m absolutely does NOT want me to tell anyone about his sperm problems, so it's hard to explain to people why we need it.  i've just been saying, "well, based on all of our testing, the doctor's think it's our best chance".  i need people to know what i'm going through so i can talk about it and get some emotional support, but it's hard to dance around the reasons for it.  most of them are pretty clueless about infertility stuff, so it doesn't matter and i'm sure the 1 or 2 people who are familiar can guess that we have more than PCOS as an issue.  we were visiting mr. m's brother and his wife (and 3 kids) yesterday and we were getting some comments about when we were going to have kids, so we told them we were having some trouble and doing an IUI.  the reaction was, "oh that's weird, you're getting pregnant from a turkey baster."  needless to say we did not tell them what our next steps are.  people are so insensitive!

you know you're infertile when....

you wake up in the morning and are actually disappointed that you are not going in for a wanding.  true story.  i was all ready to check out how big the follicle(s) are, legs shaved and everything when i realized that my check is tomorrow. oh well.  i hope there is more than one!

GRRRRRR!!!!!

i am a grouchy tired cranky whiney bitch today. grrrr.  i can not shake this negative grumpy pissed off mood at all.  i f*cking hate being infertile. and i am pissed off. and i think i will scream if any (more) of my fertile friends get knocked up before i do. grrrrr.....

visit with the RE

today i had a visit with the RE.  based on the very low motility from the SA and IUI, he has recommended we move forward to IVF.  i will continue this cycle with clomid and IUI, and he also added Metformin.  in the meantime, mr.m will have a second SA for the insurance and they will apply to the insurance company for us to start IVF if this cycle is unsuccessful.  i am glad to have a plan.  i am trying to hold on to a little bit of hope that this IUI cycle will be a success, but i'm having a hard time mustering it up right now.  we'll see...

it's funny, when i started this journey i was scared shitless of IVF.  i hoped i never had to do it, and imagined the decision would be far into the future.  and here we are, starting to plan for it. i feel okay about it.  i feel that it will give us a much better chance of actually having a baby and being able to forget about this whole infertility thing for while. i am scared of all the shots and the retrieval, but i am trying not to think about it too much.  i know i will just do what i have to do.

my RE also mentioned that because of my age (i'm 30) he will only transfer 1 embryo.  i think if i had the choice, i would choose 2 to increase our chances of success. i was actually a little surprised that it wasn't even an option.  any thoughts on this?  

and the decision is...

i called up the pharmacy to refill my clomid and ovidrel this morning.  i think it's worth another try (or 2) of IUI before i bring out the big guns (IVF).  i am sort of doing this because i don't have time to meet with my doctor before i have to make the decision.  i am meeting with him on monday, and if i haven't gotten my period, i will discuss other options with him, but i have a feeling AF may show up today or tomorrow. 

  i am thinking i will do 1 more Clomid cycle.  i did have one good follicle and zero side effects, so it feels comfortable to do that.  if that doesn't work, i will try 1 injectable cycle and if that doesn't work, i will do IVF in June.  as i've mentioned before, i run a small daycare out of my home.  the school year ends in May.  i usually do summer camp in june and july, but if these next 2 cycles don't work, i will take the summer off and do IVF.  i feel like it would be too hard to do IVF while i am working, without taking a ridiculous amount of time off for monitoring and everything else it entails.  

thanks for all your thoughts and comments!

next steps

i  live in a state where you A. must have insurance and B. all insurance is required to have fertility benefits.  i feel very fortunate for this. when i read some of your stories about paying for your treatments, i feel extremely lucky.  i  really don't know what i would do if money were a factor in our treatment decisions.

so now, i have choices. 

 i can continue with a Clomid/Ovidrel/IUI cycle (most likely adding in Metformin for the PCOS)

 i can do an IUI cycle with injectables

i can skip ahead to IVF

my insurance will cover any of these options.  

i'm not sure what to do.  i feel blessed to have all these options, but i'm not sure i'm ready to dive in to IVF.  it seems like a lot more of a process than IUI's, and a lot more time- wise, physically and emotionally.  i'm also not sure about doing injectables.  i'm okay with having to shoot myself up, but i'm worried i will overstim and have to cancel the cycle.  i also realize this will increase our chance of multiples.

here are my thoughts on multiples.  

i am fine with the idea of taking care of more than one baby,  i nannied for infant twins 60 hours a week (from 3 weeks until they were 2), and although i know it's not the same as being their parent, i feel prepared.  i also have a degree in early childhood and was an infant teacher for a few years.  the "what to do with babies" part of motherhood is a non-issue for me. i currently have (6) 2 and 3 year olds in my care daily.

however, i worry that my small frame (i'm 5'1") cannot support the growth of multiple babies in a healthy way.  i also know that my husband would prefer not to have multiples.  we are both short people and he worries that having multiples will mean that the children will be physically smaller.  starting with our already "small" genes, he worries they will get picked on (like he did).  he also has a brother with identical twins.  during their pregnancy, they had many complications and almost lost the babies.  the mom was in the hospital on bed rest from 16 weeks until she delivered at 29 weeks. i think he has a fear of having to go through this with our family.

at the same time, i want a baby. and i'm willing to do whatever it takes to increase my chance of reaching this goal. and if it's going to be this difficult and i want 3-4 children eventually, what's the harm in cooking up a few at once?

i'm interested in hearing your thoughts on what you think i should do next.  i know many of you have gone through some of these other steps and may have good insight based on your experiences.  please comment and share your opinions and reasoning.

thanks!

the results are in....

i read a quote on one of your blogs recently.  i'm sorry i can't remember who's it was, as i've been reading quite a few with ICLW.  it was this, 

"everything will be okay in the end.

and if it's not okay, 

then it's not the end."

i am not pregnant.

i have more to tell you all about, but the kids are here, so i'll continue later this afternoon.

thanks for all the support.

it is tuesday....

i just gave them my blood.  it wasn't so bad.  last time it took them 4 tries and a huge bruise.  the results will not be in until wednesday morning.

part of me doesn't want to know.  i have a feeling that i'm not pregnant and i just don't want to know for sure yet.  i am happy i still have one night to wonder.  tomorrow i will probably be sad and then i'll get ready for another try. we'll see.  

i'll update as soon as i hear in the morning.

thanks for all the well wishes!

almost here

"tomorrow

tomorrow

i love ya

tomorrow

you're only a day away!"

counting down the days

my blood test is tuesday.  which seems so close, yet so far away. 

i am excited that tuesday is just around the corner, but at the same time i feel a little uneasy about it, because if the result is negative, there is no more wondering- it's just over.  i kind of like the wondering, because it is hopeful and happy to wonder about something that may be.  it is sad and scary to know it may not be.

i feel like i am prepared either way.  i know this might not work.  i know it's only our first IUI, and there can be a few more tries before i get REALLY scared. 

but i am still trying to be cautiously optimistic.  i am visualizing a little embryo settling in and growing happily.  i am treating my body well and trying to stay calm and rested.

and i will just keep on waiting and wondering until tuesday.

just a little side note: some people have been commenting that their doc's don't do blood tests.  i have been FORBIDDEN by my doctor from peeing on a stick.  since i triggered with Ovidrel, which is HCG, i will get a positive on a pee stick, since the hcg is in my system, but that will not mean i am pregnant. that's why they do a blood test 14 days after the trigger.

it's a LOVE/HATE relationship

i have a love/hate relationship with my progesterone suppositories.

i love that they nourish my lining and make it nice and welcoming for a little embryo to burrow right in for the long hall. (well, i guess it's technically a blastocyst before it implants)

i love that it is NOT a shot

however, 

i hate that these "yellow bullets" make me feel like i've wet myself....all day long

i hate that they seem to be making me very, very tired, of course this may be all in my head and could have something to do with the fact that i am no longer consuming any caffeine...

warning: too much info below

i hate that they make my boobs sore and my nipples are constantly hard, like harder than they have ever been, and did i mention they hurt?

i also hate that they also seem to be causing some swelling at the point of insertion...if you know what i mean.... what's that all about?

anyway, i will continue to stuff the little yellow bullets up my vajayjay each morning in hopes that it will help "hold the baby in" as mr.m likes to say.

i have to write about something as i wait.....

only 1 more week until my blood test!

we only need one

again my day was filled with needles at the acupuncturist and catheters full of sperm. 

again today i saw "signs" everywhere.  when i pulled in to the doctor's office yesterday, there was someone backing out of a parking space, as if it were just for me.  today, when i arrived someone was backing  out of THAT VERY SAME SPACE! i felt like the universe was telling me, "you belong here, this is where you are meant to be at this moment. welcome!"

today someone tried to make me question and doubt my positive attitude- the nurse doing the IUI.  she told me there were only 2.4 million guys today. she told me chances were slim, that there is already a call in letting the RE know the bad numbers, told me i should meet with him and see how to proceed if this doesn't work, maybe go right to IVF next time, she said.

and i was sad, for a moment...

but then i remembered, i made a decision to be positive and hopeful. and i changed my attitude back.  i told the sperm inside of me i was sorry for doubting them for a moment.  

after all, we only need one.

IUI#1, done

Last night at 10 pm i did my trigger shot of Ovidrel.  I was nervous about it, but i tried not to think too much and just did it.  it wasn't bad at all.  phew.  i really hope i don't have to get used to giving myself shots.....

this morning i met with the fill-in acupuncturist.  she was very nice and a little more crunchy and needle happy than Jeanne, my regular lady.  then i was off to the doctor.  

i was early, but they were able to take me in shortly after i got there.  i assumed the position and checked out the sperm.  i had to sign off that it was my hubby's sample.  then they pushed the 6.4 million motile guys up into my uterus through a catheter.  the speculum was uncomfortable, but everything else was fine.  the nurse then elevated my hips and got me my book and i laid (lay?) there for about 15 minutes.  i went back to acupuncture on my way home for another treatment.

the whole way to my appointments this morning i listened to the music from our wedding.  it makes me so happy.  anytime i hear any of the songs, i tear up and think about my wedding day, which was definitely the happiest, most perfect day of my life.  mr.m and i said our vows on a cliff overlooking the ocean.  here is the song list:

"Somewhere Over the Rainbow" by IZ (flower girls, ring bearer and mom's)

"Sea of Love" by Cat Power ( i walked down to this)

"Better Together" by Jack Johnson (after we were married, we walked out to this)

"Sweeter Than Ever" by Susan Tedeschi (our first dance)

everywhere i saw "signs" that further fueled my positive energy, because i'm crazy like that.  get up there guys, find that egg!

here we go...

so today, my follicle jumped to 22mm.  i will trigger tonight and have IUI's tomorrow and thursday.  my regular doctor's office couldn't fit me in, so i have to travel to another office about an hour away, which is VERY inconvenient for mr.m, but we gotta do what we gotta do.

i will have an acupuncture treatment before and after each IUI.  i am hoping things go well with the new acupuncturist.

i am not really sure what to expect.  some people have said that IUI's hurt, and others that they don't.  i am trying to stay calm and positive. should i bring a book or something?

i know that the chances of this working aren't super high, and that it usually doesn't work the first time, but it feels good to be doing something that gives us a real shot at having a baby.  i will try to remain cautiously optimistic, but i'm sure over the next 2 weeks i will run the whole spectrum of thoughts and feelings.  it will probably be a very long 2 weeks!

please send some good ju ju my way over the next few days....

just a little bit more

this morning i woke up while it was still dark out, only to find it was freaking SNOWING!!.  It was 60 degrees yesterday, and today i had to drive in the dark and in the snow to get the dildo cam up my hoo ha once again.

one beautiful 17.5 follie, back again tomorrow....

follicle check

one growing follicle....15mm

another check monday.

i talked to the acupuncturist willing to take over for the IUI's.  she is very sweet. she just moved back to the area and is still rebuilding her client base, so she is totally flexible.  yay!

she told me to stay calm (check) and stay positive (check)